View source for Talk:Life Hacks/Hallomod(Sammael-Useful-Friendly-Cora-God)/Hit on her

Needs more internal emotional reflection . . . I'll come back to it.  --[[User:Elerneron|Elerneron]] ([[User talk:Elerneron|talk]]) 12:01, 20 February 2017 (CET)

I'd say it's passable as is, but if you do want to push it to the next level then I would say it is less that there is... hold on, I just realized I read what you said wrong. I was reading "reflection" as "reaction," but I wound up reading it right when I was in the middle of writing this. Yeah, you called it right. As I was about to say, most of it is that she winds up verbalizing her emotions too quickly without having to fight with herself much. That's what you want to have happen in order to push it to the next level. I think I can probably take a whack at it, but I am also sensing that you are wanting to work on your writing skills, so I might just leave this to you. [[User:Jemini|Jemini]] ([[User talk:Jemini|talk]]) 18:38, 20 February 2017 (CET)

If you want to have a crack at it, feel free.  I have a tendency to shut down if I come to a stumbling block that is too big for me . . . not that I think that this is one of them.  The way I was going to deal with it was going to be on Xander's side with more internal dialog to show the reader ''his'' mental state.  I felt that Rose's mental state was shown pretty well in the dialog, but maybe I'm biased. Natural dialog is my strongest writing skill . . . or at least one of them.  --[[User:Elerneron|Elerneron]] ([[User talk:Elerneron|talk]]) 23:49, 20 February 2017 (CET)

I'm still not exactly happy with it, but it is what it is.  --[[User:Elerneron|Elerneron]] ([[User talk:Elerneron|talk]]) 01:01, 22 February 2017 (CET)

LOL, I don't know if I'd exactly call that a "D'uh" option.  One might well want to keep Loki in the know as one's original benefactor.  Nonetheless I will be writing that passage tomorrow as I am currently too tired.  Good night.  --[[User:Elerneron|Elerneron]] ([[User talk:Elerneron|talk]]) 07:17, 22 February 2017 (CET)