JoS/Henriette/4th Journal - Degeneration

Frostfall, 2nd, 4E 201

We've been wandering aimlessly for the past few days, trying to improve ourselves and our abilities by hunting down wild animals and petty bandits, but today, we ended up exploring a cavern populated by Falmer and their pet Chaurus.

Falmer, in case you don't know, are blind creatures that predominantly live underground, but don't let their blindness fool you into thinking they're harmless. Their senses of smell and hearing are incredible, meaning that they can locate you from far away and even target you with magic and arrows. Chaurus on the other hand are giant, venomous insects with black shells. This is everything we knew about them and what we had prepared for, and honestly, everything went pretty well at first. Still, we didn't know everything and were unprepared for what would happen next.

All the enemies were already dead when we found their hatchery and attempted to harvest some of their eggs. Why would I put my hand on something as disgusting as that, you might wonder? Well, I've heard that their eggs have some alchemical properties which could be very useful for someone like me. Little did I know, there was an invisible enemy waiting for me to make a wrong move.

Tentacles reached out from beneath me and caught me by surprise. There were too many of them for me to do anything, and they caught all my limbs in an instant, coiling around me fast. It must've been some kind of strange, mutated Chaurus that had been guarding the eggs, and it did not take lightly to me stealing from it. Then again, it might've also just seen me as a target to be ravished. Either way, the end result was the same. Tentacles stripped my armor, stole my weapon, and made me completely unable to defend myself. Not even Sofia could help me. She had her own tentacles to deal with and while she could defend herself, she could not advance to come to my aid.

After getting past my armor and tearing through my leather, it could slide easily underneath my panties from the back, sliding along my skin, between my legs, and out from the front. Its bumpy shaft dug against my vagina, straight in the middle, straight between my lips, and it just kept going back and forth while the other tendrils kept my legs spread forcefully. I can't believe how sensitive I felt down there, but honestly, fear was the first thing on my mind. It rubbed my crotch so roughly and quickly that it forced me to come. I couldn't believe it. I was raped by a damn monster, by some damn tentacles of an invisible giant insect I could not do anything against, but my forced orgasm was unfortunately just the beginning of my horrors.

Twisting and turning, the tentacles ripped my panties easily in half, exposing my privates from their frail protective veil. That same bumpy tentacle was in a completely different position and I could feel it push against my vagina. I was in disbelief at the fact that it really was about to insert into me. Sure enough it did, and it came deep. It actually inserted its slimy tentacle inside my body. I had literally just came, and the beast penetrated me without any delay. I shouted and screamed for it to stop and begged to be helped and saved, but Sofia continued to fare poorly. The tentacles had also torn through her armor, making her distressed and even enraged, but she wasn't ready to give up the fight.

The tentacle kept moving in and out with reckless speed, molding my pussy to its shape, forcing me to feel indescribable sensations in the process. It didn't feel good in the same way that Sofia fingered me felt, but the sensations it made me feel were similar even with all my disgust and fear. Even though I was still constantly afraid and under extreme stress, it managed to make me come again. Not even my first rapist was able to make me orgasm through penetration, and this thing was a damn monster. I felt like I could cry, but even still, the worst was ahead.

It ejaculated into me. Thick, gooey sperm filled me, and it came way more than I could imagine. Fortunately, Sofia finally had been able to fight through the defensive wall of tentacles to come to my aid. Still, she was not offered the satisfaction of killing my rapist because the beast retreated underground to protect itself from her sword.

She was able to drag me to safety, where I just sat still, hugging her for a while, holding in my tears, thanking her. And thank Sithis we had the foresight to kill all the Falmer and the Chaurus before I started checking the piles of eggs for ingredients. A lot could've gone wrong here, but here we are, still free. Granted, our armor and clothes are in tatters, but yeah… At least we were able to get out of there…

Ever since then, I've felt something crawling around inside me. It's so crazy that I could become pregnant from a damn tentacle. Or is that really the case? Maybe there were some worms, parasites or something along the sperm… Just the thought makes me sick… Something's inside my belly even though it doesn't show on the surface, and I know it.

I hope this is curable. I don't know where to start though. I really should pay a visit to a healer or an alchemist for tips. I really, really don't want to go along with this process and actually give birth, not to some disgusting bugs.

I swear, I will never ever touch another pile of Chaurus Eggs again.

On a more positive note though, I learned that Falmer blood is quite delicious.

Frostfall, 3rd, 4E 201

By the time we made it back to Whiterun, I was hornier than I'd ever been before. Me and Sofia split up, trying to find help in different parts of the city. I walked around the city looking for a healer, but couldn't find one. Arcadia the Alchemist said she doesn't know a cure, and suggested just waiting it out, even though it'll probably be very unpleasant. Danica, a healer from the Temple of Kynareth, just apologized to me profusely and told me there was nothing she could do. Perhaps I really have to just wait it out, like Arcadia said. Perhaps I really need to give birth.

I haven't seen any real visual change, but I feel a little fuller than usual, a little bloated and heavy in my lower stomach area, if you know what I mean… I wonder how long this'll take? I can't even go on an adventure in this condition.

And on top of that, there was still the issue of me feeling horny, lightheaded, and bothered. I needed to do something about it, and I couldn't even turn to Sofia's aid this time. I wasn't gonna wait for her to return from whatever task she had gotten herself occupied with.

I was visiting Dragonsreach in hopes of maybe getting the court wizard to help when I met a certain Wood Elf called Larkspur. He's a lady-killer, a real bad boy, and a reformed bandit with an extensive criminal history. Although I have a feeling girls around my size are outside his preferred zone, he made advances on me. Perhaps he saw I was horny, or perhaps he felt that I would be an easy target. Either way, he made me his newest conquest. I was in a vulnerable state and feeling sad and defeated, feeling that nothing really even mattered anymore, so I let him do whatever he wanted with me.

He led me to his little shack and laid me naked on his bed. The first thing I discovered about him when he finally undressed and came down on me was his size. He was just as large as Gorr, and he was going to fuck me for real. I was anxious from the start, but I let it all happen anyway.

His insertion didn't hurt at all, even though he was too big to fully fit inside me. I took him lying down in a missionary position, and he was very gentle throughout it all. His large, warm hands on my waist when he thrust in and out of me made me feel safe. Him complimenting my cuteness also made me feel better.

Still, he was a beast who wanted to do whatever he wanted, which became apparent halfway through us having sex. He was getting rougher and faster, about which I warned him. I told him not to cum inside, saying I couldn't risk getting pregnant. He said that leaving his mark is the only way he rolls and that there was no way he was NOT gonna cum inside. On my part it turned into begging, but he just told me to be quiet, learn my place and take it without bitching. Protesting was pointless. Sure enough, he really continued all the way to an orgasm and cummed deep inside me. He made sure to push his dick real deep too, after which he just told me to dress up and leave.

My condition felt better, but my heart was left with an ache, and my eyes were a little teary. Like, at first, he managed to lift me up and make me feel wanted and beautiful, but after it was all said and done, I only felt used. But at the same time, I consented to it initially when I should've just said no… Sure, it was only halfway through that I started having problems with him, but none of that would've happened if I didn't let myself get tricked by him…

I don't know if it's possible for me to even become pregnant while I'm infected by this stupid Chaurus, but I have a bad feeling about this. I'm still feeling like crying a little, which is not fun at all… I really am gonna cry myself to sleep today, am I…? I just feel so weak and stupid…

Frostfall, 4th, 4E 201

My stressed heart didn't let me sleep, so I didn't end up getting much rest. I eventually got to sleep for like two hours or something like that, but that brief sleep was interrupted by something very unpleasant.

I couldn't get out of bed, and the pleasure was simply too much to bear. I had gotten horny again. The parasite had grown thanks to absorbing energy from me, and I… I ended up laying its eggs. Sixteen little eggs in total… It took forever for them all to get out, and I was so sweaty, so out of breath, trying desperately to muffle my screams and moans. I'm in an inn for Sithis' sake. I could never get over the shame if anyone saw me like this!

When it was over, I had never felt so relieved. I mean, it's over now, right? My tummy doesn't feel so strange anymore… I think I got fully rid of whatever bug those tentacles had injected me with.

At that point, I was too tired to even clean the mess I had made, and I ended up falling asleep, luckily only briefly. I don't think anyone had come to my room while I was out cold.

That was an experience I'm not sure I want to repeat. The inn is way too noisy now, so I'm not gonna get any sleep I fear. Shortly after gathering myself, I also met up with Sofia, who was relieved to hear that my condition is improving. We're gonna rest for today and not leave the city.

I think I'm gonna get over this setback quickly, just as I've gotten over my past difficulties. I'm not the type to stay put just moping about how weak and useless I am. No, all of this - even though it did make me cry a little - is just more motivation for me to try and become better and stronger!

Frostfall, 6th, 4E 201

Today a bounty on a group of bandits led us on an adventure near Whiterun, in some old military fortress which the Empire needs to be cleaned from filth. I think it was called Greymoor? Why won't the Legion use their own men to clean out this fort for their own personal use is beyond me, but hey, we're getting paid. Those bandits were an easy foe.

They had an awful lot of prisoners locked down in the basement. Well, most of them were dead, but one poor fool was alive. This idiot had actually come here trying to convert these bandits and help them turn a new leaf. What an imbecile. Well, we helped him escape at the very least, as we didn't feel like letting him starve to death in this dark and cold place. As far as I'm concerned, his only crime is stupidity, so letting him die would feel wrong. It wasn't like I was feeling hungry anyway. Bandits provided me with a lot of blood. Their chief in particular had some excellent-tasting blood. I bit into his neck when he was down on his knee. For a kid like me, there's something very satisfying and empowering about taking a big, muscular man to his knees, have him squeal like a pig for mercy, and then feel his body spasm as the life leaves his body. It's almost like the fear just makes the meal tastier, like a good salt and spice rub on fresh lamb steak…

Oh, I apologize, my dearest, sweetest diary. I'm getting carried away in my ramblings. It's just that I enjoy getting stronger, enjoy proving to myself that I am indeed strong, and even enjoy being an evil little bitch every now and then.

Then, when we returned to Whiterun, we saw a guard confronting a couple of Redguards by the gate, dressed in traditional Alik'r attire. Apparently they were looking for someone hiding in the city, but because they weren't allowed inside, they asked me to help. They described their target as a Redguard female. I haven't seen many in Whiterun, but this one lady at the Bannered Mare sprung to my mind.

Her name is Saadia, and when I told her that Alik'r were looking for her, she freaked out. She initially suspected that I might be working with them, but I tried to reassure her that I was not necessarily helping them. I was merely relying her the information. Anyway, she's some kind of noble, I think. She fled Hammerfell because she was being accused of a crime she didn't commit, and now she needs help getting rid of those thugs who, according to her, are just bandits and impostors. After we agreed to help her, she mentioned a captured Alik'r soldier in the Whiterun prison and said he's my best bet in locating the man who's supposedly the brains of this entire operation: Kematu.

So, we visited the prison, telling him we knew where Saadia was hiding, and pretended to be willing to help them. He seemed convinced and revealed that Kematu is hiding in a cave called Swindler's Den along with "the others". This prisoner insists that they're in the right and that Saadia is full of crap, so this really seems like a "he said she said" kind of situation. I'm not really interested in who's in the right here, and I don't care about politics all that much, but if there's good money in this for me, I'm more than happy to investigate their hideout. Who knows, maybe Kematu has a better offer for us and will reward us more handsomely than Saadia would.

Frostfall, 10th, 4E 201

The bandits holed up in Swindler's Den ended up being more than we bargained for, if you can even call them just simple bandits. Those guys weren't numerous, but they were well-dressed and armored, skilled, and organized, unlike any other bandits we'd met in our journeys. I can certainly see why Saadia is so freaked out about this whole situation. Knowing we couldn't have beaten them head-on, we had to resort to dirty tactics, assassination, and picking them up individually to even hope to get to the Alik'r deeper inside the cave.

Kematu and his gang quickly figured out why we were there, and they didn't want to fight us. They insisted on not being part of the bandits, but it kind of brings to question, why hide with them then? Why work with such outlaws? Kematu didn't bother trying to explain this part, which was an immediate red flag for me.

His suggestion was to strike a deal with us to betray Saadia, so she could be captured by these guys, but having seen the kind of people they were, I was intent on violence from the start. There's no way they could be in the right here, and even if Saadia did do something illegal, I don't think this band of brigands can be justified.

I felt we might've been able to kill these guys if we used similar tactics to the ones we employed against the others, but that wasn't going to happen as long as they had their swords pointed at us. We told them that we would betray Saadia, and then, as soon as they let us leave peacefully, we began planning a battle plan out of their sights. I suggested coming back later, but Sofia was insistent on attacking immediately. Her reasoning was that we had already taken out ten or so bandits guarding the inner chambers of this cave without trouble, so if we played our cards right, we should succeed here as well. "They aren't even wearing armor", she said.

As she suggested, we took the opportunity and attacked them after waiting for only a while. It was a horrible mistake on our part because they anticipated something like that happening. They saw through our first assassination attempt, and we were defeated instantly. We never stood a chance and never took even one of them down. It was a total failure on our part.

They stole our weapons, chained us like prisoners, and dragged us back to the inner chambers, where Kematu chastised us for our foolishness, saying we would be punished greatly for our attempt at their lives. I was scared out of my mind and incapacitated by fear, and I didn't even protest. I just hung my head in shame, praying they would go easy on us.

Meanwhile, Sofia protested the situation much more than I did, mostly because she knew that this was the place where she was going to lose her virginity. She knew it was inevitable now, and she panicked since she didn't want it. She was loud, she begged, and she battled against the chains in vain, and even though I thought it was better to stay calm, I couldn't blame her reaction at all. The part that really made me sick was the reaction by the Redguards because they seemed to revel in her anguish. I just couldn't take it.

Thinking I could save Sofia from this fate in a last-ditch effort, I tried to attract Kematu's attention towards me. I told him that Sofia had no part in this, and he should only be angry at me, for this was my idea. That's why I should've been the only one suffering any kind of punishment. This seemed to stop them from harassing Sofia, but when Kematu finally turned to abuse me instead, he just laughed at me and called me out, saying that was nonsense. He asked me if I thought him to be stupid enough to let her walk free and go get help from the hold guards or something. "Neither of you is going anywhere", he said.

I then asked what kind of honorable Alik'r warriors they were supposed to be anyway, but I never received any sort of satisfactory answer. Instead, he turned the question on its head, saying that we should not be in any kind of position to judge their honor, especially not after trying to kill them through lies and deceit. We deserved punishment, according to him, and thanks to how mouthy I had been, Kematu was prone to go against all my wishes. Not only did I fail to save Sofia from her fate, they actually made me watch every second of it.

Two thugs pushed me down on my knees and held my head, telling me to watch closely as the two men held my best friend down against the ground, all while she continued to struggle with all her might. She screamed foul murder as they tore through her armor to reveal her naked skin. Kematu himself punched and slapped her down, trying to shut her up, but all it did was make her even more hysterical. Eventually, a brigand holding her down by her hands covered her mouth tightly with a moist cloth while Kematu kept her legs from kicking, revealing her dry, unprepared pussy.

I swear, I will never be able to unhear her muffled screams from that first insertion. It was so brutal it made me cry. I shared all of her pain. It's horrible to watch your best friend suffer like that, and it would've made me angry had I not been so scared. And if her screams weren't enough, the way her body moved and reacted made it obvious she was in pain. Kematu reveled in the fact that he had just stolen a young girl's virginity, mocking her for it. He then turned toward me and said I was next, which must've been the prompt for the men holding me to strip me. He threatened us both by saying they were gonna fuck all and any information about Saadia away from us, and then finally succeed in their mission, after which we would all return to Hammerfell with them, together with Saadia. He promised that we would all be trained to be sex slaves.

The other men were getting horny and eager too, and the first of the men holding me bent me over, rubbing his penis against me. In one quick motion, it slammed into me from behind, and so my rape began too. The worst part was that since there were seven of them to abuse us, we weren't gonna get off easy with just one quick round either.

Doing me from behind was just the start. The first guy forced his dick into my mouth to finish there. Then Kematu, done with Sofia, took me on his lap, with my back faced against him. He fucked me in that position while Sofia got spit-roasted by two men doing her from the front and back. Kematu grabbed my chest, twisted my nipples, and rubbed my clitoris while his cock grinded in and out. He made me cum quick, and then he just whispered to my ear, calling me a dirty rape-loving whore. I denied him verbally, but he was intent on showing me just how much control he had over me. He was a stamina monster who wanted to make it last as long as possible and edge it out until he could simply take it no more. I was no match for him, as he made me cum repeatedly, reducing me to tears from the overwhelming pleasure, all while he could go on and on.

As for Sofia, the rest of the men were on her. There was no playing around there, as they were all quick and brutal with their actions. It was a sad sight to see, as Sofia had completely given up. She was limp like a ragdoll and didn't respond to anything the men did to her anymore.

Kematu said that for my insolence and disobedience, he was gonna impregnate me to prove that he truly owned me and my body. I didn't tell him that I already had one man cum inside me the other day, not that he would've believed me, not that it would've mattered. He was gonna finish anyway, and his movement was getting faster and rougher. That giant cock eventually halted and began throbbing violently as it filled me with his cum. Just to tease me further, he also rubbed my clit throughout the whole thing. Holding me by my waist, he raised my body up to drag his penis out of my cum-soaked vagina.

Yeah, if I wasn't pregnant with Larkspur's kid before… Well, there's no doubt that I'm expecting a baby now. After such a massive load, any girl would be knocked up, Sofia too. And that wasn't even the end.

He handed me over to the next man, who pushed me to the ground, going on to violate me further. They weren't gonna allow me to rest either.

It was more of the same from there on out. With Kematu being done with me, I was forced to serve the men in quick succession, just like Sofia had been. They continued to stretch our holes with their big brown dicks, repeatedly filling us with their cum and passing us along like toys. I was getting so tired I was at the point of passing out, and fortunately, they were starting to be done as well. Some of them went asleep for the night while we were tied onto shackles welded into walls. Not the most comfortable place to sleep, but we did both pass out rather quickly.

The next day, they were much more lenient. For most of the time, we both were tied and shackled. They only let us out from our shackles to use and feed us. There was some real food, but cum was on the menu as well… As I feared… Overall though, they didn't abuse us too much and instead warned us to not try anything stupid, or they would punish us again. They never took their eyes off us.

Still, even though they could see us both, they could not hear all we talked about, and they certainly couldn't read our thoughts. Sofia was unresponsive most of the time I tried to talk to her, since it was clear she had given up all hope. Me though? No chance. I told her I would get us both out of that place, and I intended to keep good on that promise. You see, I don't need my weapons or hands to take a life… Be it my voice or my fangs, all I need is my mouth. I hadn't dared to show my powers yet, even though I would've loved nothing more than to bite off their pathetic penises when they deepthroated me. I was too afraid of them taking away my best weapon and locking my mouth away with a gag.

Come night, the party split up, with Kematu and three of his men going on to survey the land, probably to formulate some kind of plan to kidnap Saadia. They had asked us questions and tips about that too, but to be honest, we could not offer them much insight. Perhaps that wouldn't have even mattered.

This was great because we had only three brigands to work with, and they were hungry to rape and abuse us. Only one of them came for me, and I was able to convince him to get rid of my chains by some miracle chance. I promised him that I would be obedient and serve him faithfully, and like the gullible idiot he was, he heeded my request. Now, with my hands free, I could easily kill him. All I needed was one chance.

He mounted me, wanting to do me in a missionary position. I didn't want him to get too suspicious, so I resisted a little, but luckily for me, the idiot came on top of me all the same, pinning me down with all his weight as his cock slid into me and started pounding me. I decided to just take it for a while until I eventually locked both my legs and arms around him, luring him into a false sense of security, and bit his neck. In this position, there was nothing he could do to shake me off while I could freely suck him dry. And let me just tell you, I have never sucked or bit harder. I wanted to kill him off with a single bite, and I succeeded.

My rapist was dead, and I was free. I realized that the other two horny fools hadn't even figured this out, so I was able to loot a few keys to get myself out of all the bondage gear. I was able to take up arms and ambush one of the men from behind too. Given that the last man alive was naked, unarmed, and completely defenseless, I had no trouble killing him off either.

Sofia couldn't believe I had succeeded, and my victory brought life back to her real quick. She wanted to hug and kiss me right away for being her savior, but that had to wait for later. We had to get out and fast. Fortunately, with Kematu and three of his men out in the fields, this was easy.

We got rid of our restraints quickly using tools we found from the dead bandits and found nearly all of our stolen equipment and valuables. Some of the clothes and armor are gone, ruined beyond use, but affording new stuff isn't gonna be a problem considering that we also looted some of their own wealth.

We first made it to Whiterun to warn Saadia about the Alik'r being on the move. We explained that she should come along with us and hide with us somewhere safe to buy her some time. She understood the situation, and we headed for Riverwood posthaste, making it there before sunrise. Riverwood is one of the few communities in this world where I feel genuinely safe and trusted, and I'm sure Saadia'll feel safe there too.

I also told Saadia the whole story about what really happened and how we fared, making her visibly emotional. She was of course happy that we were able to deal a blow against our enemy in the end, but at the same time, she said she was sad and worried for us, wondering if it really was in her place to ask such young adventurers to help her in the first place. I told her that it was going to be okay and that I'm going to carry out this mission to the end.

This isn't just about a bounty on Kematu's head anymore. Now, I yearn for revenge of my own. I will have my revenge for what they did to me and Sofia. It may take time, but given that Saadia has at least escaped Whiterun, we have plenty of it to spare.

Frostfall, 12th, 4E 201

Going on an adventure at this point is impossible. I'm visibly pregnant, and I'm going to become a mother in the near future.

I don't even have a home. Where in the world am I going to raise my baby? Would it be wrong for me to leave my child at some orphanage? It wouldn't feel right to kill my baby, especially not after he or she is born. I mean, I sometimes feel like a monster because of what I've become, but not even I would dream of killing my own baby under any circumstances. All I know is that I have to go through with this, somehow.

Are you sentient, my precious little diary? Can you give me an answer to my questions and ease my troubled mind? Okay, perhaps not, but writing about my problems makes me feel a little better. It's almost as if in the process of writing them down, I expose a part of myself on these papers. It puts my problems in perspective and helps me cope with them, helping me find the answers to them. In that sense, I would like to thank you, my diary, even if you may not be sentient. I feel like I'm closer to my answer now.

As for the future, I wonder if there's any way for me to avoid these kinds of troubles? I may be just a child, especially on the outside, but I'm already well into womanhood as far as my bodily functions are concerned, and I know there's no real way to prevent getting pregnant. If someone cums inside me, it's all up to chance from there. It's an unavoidable part of my biology as a woman, a part that I would very much like to control. I'd rather not leave a wake of kids in my trail. In fact, I'd rather not have any kids at all until I'm ready for it.

I don't think there are any elixirs to temporarily make me infertile, and I'm not sure if I would want to look for a permanent solution. I may be an adventurer, an assassin, and a murderous vampire to the boot, but who knows… A part of me still wants to fall in love and start a family. I guess I got that from my own mother. She was such a great woman, and I always wanted to see myself becoming like her eventually…

That's probably never gonna happen though…

I have a couple of allies who might have some experience. I know magic and alchemy can fix pretty much anything… Well, okay, not literally anything. I'll worry about my future after I've given birth. I'll be focusing on rest and recovery for the time being and trying to be helpful around the town. I can't participate in physical activities, but that doesn't make me useless.

Frostfall, 18th, 4E 201

I gave birth to a baby boy. He ended up inheriting my race, so it's kind of hard to say what traits he inherited from his father. I feared it might be so, especially after what Sigrid told me. She explained that children almost always inherit their mother's race and only some minor racial traits from their father. It's what was also written in a book she showed me, "Racial Phylogeny".

My only real clue to the father's identity is that I gave birth already while Sofia is still pregnant, suggesting my child was conceived days before her. With that in mind, I could just go to Larkspur and say that it's his kid, demanding that he takes some responsibility, but I don't think that would work. He doesn't come across to me as the most responsible father, or a father who cares about raising a child, nor do I think he'd be good at it. Based on how my night with him went, I bet he already has already dealt with angry mothers in the past, but I don't see them or the kids anywhere around him. This kid would probably be abandoned by him as well. That's not what I want, but at the same time, no way I can care for him either…

Whoever this kid's father is, he deserves a good family and a peaceful life, which I can't give him. I decided to leave him at a nearby orphanage with a generous gold donation. I know it's not enough to cover living expenses for even one year, but it's all I had.

The whole thing made me cry, and I couldn't do anything but mope for the rest of the day. I mean, I never wanted him, but he's still my kid, and that's a special bond… It was difficult, but the right choice anyway. It hurts to let my son go like this, but… I would be a horrible mother. There's no guarantee I'll even be alive in a week's time. Who knows, my crimes may catch up to me eventually, so I could end up in prison too. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Frostfall, 20th, 4E 201

I decided to return to Swindler's Den to pay my respects to those men for what they did to me and Sofia. I ended up going alone because Sofia was still depressed over the whole thing. Like, it really hurt her a lot more than it did me because it was the first time she had ever been raped, and it happened under such brutal conditions nonetheless. She's been very down and afraid and didn't seem like being up to getting revenge herself. The whole fact that it was her idea to attack them as soon as possible isn't helping. She keeps calling herself stupid, but I know otherwise. She's not stupid. I know that she can learn from mistakes… As far as her getting over it goes, I don't know… I can just hope…

Sofia still hasn't decided what she wants to do with her baby once he or she is born, but if she's anything like me, if she wants to continue living her current lifestyle, she'll probably do something similar to what I did. She doesn't have a home to return to, and I have a feeling she doesn't have the stomach to resort to infanticide either.

For now, I told her I'd take care of it alone, and luckily, I ended up being able to hold on to that promise. I assassinated Kematu and the remaining Alik'r soldiers holed up in Swindler's Den, this time without them being able to know I was even in the cave. It was as if Sithis himself guided me through this path.

For my service to her, Saadia rewarded us with some of her noble wealth. I think I'll anonymously donate it all to the orphanage as they're gonna bear the burden of raising my child.

Still, Saadia can't afford to let her guard down just yet. After all, something tells me that if the Alik'r found her, the same thing that happened to me and Sofia would also happen to her… And who knows, more will come looking for her. Worst of all, she has no combat experience. She wouldn't be able to fight back the way we did. At the very least, she can return to Whiterun to continue her job at the inn peacefully.

Lastly, I don't know where I will go from here. Will I be traveling alone, or will I stay by Sofia's side to support her through all this? It really comes down to what she wants to do. That remains to be seen.

• 5th Journal - Contract