JoS/Henriette/16th Journal - Espionage

Midyear, 29th, 4E 202

Dear diary, a lot has happened, and I've got a lot to share with you.

It all started at The Winking Skeever in Solitude, where I was meant to meet with a friend of Delphine, an insider who would be working at the party, a man who could smuggle my weapons and armor inside. His name is Malborn, and he could be trusted.

The problems started piling on very early on though. Malborn told me to give him the stuff quickly, but we were in the inn, and I kind of had forgotten to bring an extra change of clothes with me. Delphine was supposed to loan me a dress to wear, but I haven't gotten it yet. Besides, she's waiting outside the city, and Malborn can't leave the city. There wasn't time for me to go buy anything either. I somehow had to make it through the city gates and to Delphine naked… Okay, I can always just turn invisible for a brief period, but that didn't erase the problem of having to strip in front of Malborn. He just clicked his tongue and told me to follow him so we could do that stuff outside. He's not sexually interested in me, or at least that's what he said.

After that, I snuck to the farm where Delphine was waiting and got my clothes. Fast forward, I arrived at the embassy just a few hours later. I got in with my invitation, and none of the Thalmor suspected me of being an uninvited guest, not even Elenwen herself. So far, so good.

There were a lot of familiar faces at the party, some of which I'm not too pleased to see, most of which probably share the sentiment. One man even took a glance at me and scoffed at me, asking what someone like me was doing there and that he couldn't believe someone like me would ever be allowed inside. I needed to get someone to distract me, but the only question in my mind was "how in Oblivion".

Oh, Delphine, why did we have to go with this plan of yours? My idea was much better. Well, no matter, I had to go with what I was offered.

My first plan was to get Maven to help me, but she said it was not in my best interest to be talking to her at all. Well, duly noted. Then, I saw another friend I have her, a friend perhaps even more influential than Maven; Jarl Elisif the Fair, the woman many consider the High Queen of Skyrim.

I don't want to speak badly of her, but she's naïve and easy to manipulate. Getting her to help me was pretty easy, I must say. She had her eyes set on a Redguard named Razelan, and she accused of this guy giving her some lewd looks and whispering some inappropriate, sexist comments. It looked like it could work for a moment, but the distraction wasn't sufficient enough. I just had to get a better distraction from somewhere else.

My next plan was actually getting Razelan himself to help me. Let's just say, this guy clearly looks and acts like he doesn't belong here. He's with the East Empire Company, and after we had talked with him for about a minute, he started suspecting me of being someone he knows from somewhere. I'm glad that he's a moron and didn't actually make the connection between the "noble" little girl standing in front of him and a blindfolded slave who probably sucked his dick off with a punch of vibrators stuck into her holes… Well anyway, he complained about not being given the proper respect, that nobody was willing to even serve him a damned drink! I offered to provide him with one in return for his service. Too bad his distraction didn't end up being enough either. He damned near got kicked out from the party. Again. Poor guy, he hasn't even done anything wrong.

My next plan was to get help from a man named Erikur, who I saw trying to flirt with a Bosmer maid called Brelas. I could help him, so he could help me. Let me spoil the surprise, I managed to get away from the party with his assistance, but that's not to say my plan went on how I wanted it to.

So, since I'm a young woman myself, he asked me to talk to this maid in an attempt to convince her to get it on with Erikur. Brelas, in turn, told me to persuade Erikur to leave her alone. So, I told Erikur that she wanted to go somewhere private with him, and then I watched the glory unfold…

Except, I ended up doing more damage than help. This poor girl got dragged away from the party, and she was clearly terrified. She glared at me throughout the whole scene, and I just couldn't get away. She was so angry, she even spit on me. "This is on you", she said, and she wasn't the only one who was mad at me… So was Erikur.

He came to me asking what my problem was. That woman was going to be her conquest, but now those Thalmor were going to be using her instead. He said that I was going to pay, and he was only willing to use me as a payment. I cost him his opportunity to get laid, so by his logic, it was only fair that I offered him my body in return.

Malborn, at this point, was visibly embarrassed by me and shaking his head. The whole plan had gone to ruin, at least in his eyes… The Thalmor escorted me inside the embassy away from this reception area, and Erikur followed not far behind.

After that… Well, this old and smug nobleman proceeded to have his way with me. He mostly wanted to do me from behind, both standing up and on the bed, and also slapped my butt around. He was drunk, like really drunk, and he came inside me before I could even cum myself. By Sithis, I've never had a more unsatisfying lover in my entire life.

He luckily passed out on the bed, probably from all the alcohol. He was probably planning to use me later as well, but now, I could sneak away. I still didn't have my armor, but I suspected that Malborn could've smuggled them somewhere near the kitchen, as it's directly accessible from behind the counter where he was working.

Well, I was right on the money…

I'll cut through the boring parts like stealing a bunch of valuable stuff and sneaking up to a few Thalmor to knock them out cold and skip right to the climax. I thought that I would be safe considering that I had left the party with Erikur, and I hadn't had to kill anyone to that point either. I thought nobody would suspect me of doing anything unwanted…

I found a dungeon - rather, a torture chamber - under an office building on the other side of the embassy. Thalmor were down there together with two prisoners, one man, and one woman. Well, that woman was Brelas, and after saving her and killing her torturers, I apologized to her, saying that I never intended to get her in trouble. She didn't take my apology lightly, she was still mad at me, but I'm happy to see that she at least doesn't hate me, considering that I did end up saving her from these bastards in the end.

On the other hand, the man thought at first that I was a torturer, but then he and I realized we'd met somewhere. His name is Etienne Rarnis, a Breton man with the Thieves Guild. Not someone I've ever talked with at length, but we've both exchanged greetings a few times and introduced ourselves to each other. I asked what in Oblivion is he doing here, and he said that the Thalmor had kidnapped him. They're looking for someone in the Ratway, and they wanted to torture the answer out of him. I obviously thought this was horrible and would've saved him even if he wasn't with the guild, just like I saved Brelas.

That's when trouble arrived. More Thalmor came, and Malborn was with them. They were interrogating him about aiding a shady person, and a dangerous criminal infiltrate this party, obviously referring to me. Erikur had apparently woken up when I left the room, and after that, things escalated at the party quickly. I was able to kill the Thalmor who were on my tail, but even though I probably saved Malborn, I still got an earful from him. He was pissed at me, and he was scared too. Thalmor are going to hunt him for the rest of his life, he said, to which I simply replied, "well, you're not the only one". He did put my mind to rest by saying that Elenwen took him away from the party without really causing a scene and that what I did here will definitely not impact my reputation outside this embassy, except maybe with the Thalmor.

It was time to start searching. A lot of important papers were being held down there, including studies and a few extensive dossiers on people the Thalmor have a keen interest in. This included the return of dragons, Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak, Delphine herself, and some other people. I tried to hold on to as many papers as I could though, but I'm not sure if most of them are going to be helpful to us in any way.

Then, it was finally time for us to escape. There was an escape tunnel we could use to retreat, all four of us. From there, we found a snowy and quiet forest ahead of us. With night fast approaching, we hurried forward.

Malborn and Brelas decided to go their own way. They're both afraid of Thalmor coming after them, so they will be hiding somewhere. They didn't say where they'd go, but my hunch is as far away from the Aldmeri Dominion as possible. Heading east is probably a safe bet. Etienne and I decided to walk together for a while longer. He was so thankful and didn't even know how to express his thanks adequately. I couldn't help accompany him on his journey back, but I at least gave him some weapons and money I looted from the Thalmor so he could at very least be able to defend himself on his long way back to Riften.

As for me? I've already made it to Riverwood. Delphine is still fast asleep, but she'll have a surprise waiting for her when she eventually wakes up. She can go through the papers herself and figure out if there's anything important in them.

Midyear, 29th, 4E 202

Delphine actually woke me up after I had only slept for four hours. She said that it's no time to be sleeping, that there's no time to waste. Esbern is alive, and Thalmor know where he is! He's in the Ratway! We need to find him before they do!

And I was all like, who the fuck is Esbern?

It's one of the names that were on the Thalmor dossiers. Esbern, like Delphine, is with the Blades, and they're not just colleagues but also old friends. Dots kind of started connecting from that point on… Esbern, Ratway, the way Thalmor were torturing Etienne… Well, I see now. That explains something. That was about the only thing she learned from the papers though. Apparently, the Thalmor are just as baffled by the return of the Dragons as everyone else is, and they don't know anything about the dragon that is going around resurrecting other dragons. Safe to say that the Thalmor aren't connected to any of this shite, though.

Delphine is sure Esbern knows what's going on better than anyone else we could try to look for. He was an archivist with the Blades, a brilliant man who had probably read a library's worth of books in his lifetime, a genuine history buff. She once again tasked me with the honors of going to see him, as she still doesn't want people to raise suspicions about her true identity. After seeing what the Thalmor are capable of, I can definitely see why she's a little scared of them and why she wants me to do all of this…

So, despite not being able to get enough sleep, I'll head to Riften… I'll save this Esbern guy and bring him to Delphine.

Midyear, 30th, 4E 202

The Ratway is a huge place, as I have found out in the past, but even I didn't know exactly how deep the place goes. There's a whole section of the Ratway that I've never been to. It can be accessed in many ways, but the easiest way for someone like me is simply walking through the door behind the Ragged Flagon.

When I entered the guild, it was surprisingly empty. People were very alert and acting suspicious. I suspected that the Thalmor might be ahead of me, and I went straight to Brynjolf, asking him if the Thalmor were here. He got a little agitated and began asking questions like what have I done and is this my doing, but I had no time to explain all the details. "The Thalmor are looking for a man hiding in the Ratway", I said, "and he needs to be saved from them."

Brynjolf knew who I was talking about. This man has actually been paying the guild handsomely to stay hidden. He quickly also connected the dots to Etienne as well, who had made it back here by now. Brynjolf luckily understood the situation fully and said that he's actually glad that I could save a fellow mate in the guild and that I was finally going to sort this mess out. Nobody at the Flagon likes the idea of Thalmor regularly snooping around, especially when they've shown themselves capable of taking prisoners.

Lastly, Brynjolf gave me a little map with directions so I wouldn't be lost deep in the Ratway, and I went on my way.

I was playing against the clock. The Thalmor were looking for Esbern, but it seemed clear to me that they hadn't found him yet. I was able to kill three of them without getting noticed, after which there were only two left. They were no match for me.

Then, I found Esbern himself.

He's one stubborn and paranoid guy, and getting through him was damn near impossible. Claiming to be a Dragonborn and saying I was sent by Delphine didn't seem to be enough. Like, this guy was even more distrusting of me than Delphine! He even suggested that I could be working for the Thalmor. Well, I luckily had no trouble convincing him after one of them tried to attack me from behind, and he saw me kill that sneaky bugger. Anyway, since we didn't have much time, I told him to start packing because we're leaving. I promised that I would help him and save his life and that I'd explain everything on the way out. That was enough for him. He was a very capable caster in his own right, so we had little to no trouble getting out from Riften together.

He's saying that the dragon that's resurrecting the others is Alduin. He's some dragon of legends, bringer of end times. Esbern says that his return means the end of the world. That's some heavy shit and makes my dreams of getting revenge for the death of my family all the more difficult.

I mean, I'm no stranger to killing dragons, and while some of them have been considerably more powerful than others, none of them have felt insurmountable. At the back of my mind, I even thought that I could be able to take on that black dragon despite it being bigger than the others, but if we're talking about the literal harbinger of the apocalypse, what kind of chance at victory do I have? Esbern said that if I'm a Dragonborn, it shouldn't be hopeless, but it sure fucking feels hopeless to me right now… I'm not even sure what to think of this revelation…

At least we're definitely going to be safe now, and we're both positive that Thalmor won't find us from my home. Sofia and Serana were both pretty amused when he saw I brought an old man into our house and joked about me having weird tastes when it comes to men. Oh, but it was just friendly banter… I love those two assholes…

We're going to rest here properly before we travel to Riverwood. I'll lay down to rest now and start thinking about what this all means for me and my dream of vengeance…

Sun's Height, 1st, 4E 202

It has been a long and tiresome day traveling, but it's over now. I did it not only with those two Blades, but also with my own two besties. Regarding the latter two, they said that just I had sacrificed my time and safety to help them, so will they sacrifice theirs for me, meaning they'll support me through my quest for revenge in any way they can. I'm so grateful to be blessed with such amazing friends.

As for the trip itself, we didn't end up staying in Riverwood for even fifteen minutes before Esbern told Delphine to pack things and said that we've got somewhere we needed to go. He talked about some ancient Akaviri place called the Sky Haven Temple, where something called Alduin's Wall is located. Well, I can definitely see why Esbern says it's one of the most well-preserved artifacts of its era. It's pretty gorgeous.

Yeah, we made it there, and maybe now I can rest properly… Sofia and Serana are already fast asleep, and I'll join them after I'm done updating my diary.

This place is out in the fields somewhere in the Reach, just east of Markarth, just past the Old Hrothal Inn if you're traveling westward like we were. There was a pretty sizeable Forsworn Camp just outside it, and we had to fight our way through them. Sneaking past them unfortunately wasn't an option.

To gain entry to the temple, which was situated on top of the mountain, I was needed, or more accurately, someone with dragon blood. It was quite a process, an entryway filled with many traps and puzzles, none of which were actually that difficult to solve. Even a toddler could've solved them, and the real test was to see if the one passing the test was a Dragonborn.

So anyway, those two were trying to read the wall and interpret it while I was writing this, and they reckon that the ancient Nords must've used some shout to defeat Alduin back in the days. Again, this is some ancient history I don't know too much about. I guess this Alduin has been a menace in the past? Well, Esbern said that "the Alduin has returned", so that kind of implies it… I really should look more into this.

Now, I have no idea what kind of shout that could be, and neither does Esbern, so my best bet at learning more is consulting the Greybeards. They're kind of selective in how to train me, and they haven't taught me in a long while because they think it's better for me to grow slowly. Regardless, I hope they will listen to my request because if we're against Alduin, this is critically important.

Sun's Height, 3rd, 4E 202

It seems that the Greybeards people don't really like the Blades all that much. They have their ideological differences, I guess.

Well, either way, the Greybeards have a duty to serve me and teach me, and even though they don't think I'm ready for this, my queries must be answered. They were able to tell me that the shout is called "Dragonrend", but they don't know its words. It's not a shout that has a place in the way of the voice, as they said. It's a shout created by men to be used as a weapon against dragons, so while it is a Thu'um, it's not really part of the dragon tongue.

Who then could teach me? Well, only their leader Paarthurnax could. To meet him was going to be a mighty task in of itself, as reaching him on the peak of the Throat of the World required me to learn a shout to blow away finds and clouds to make the weather clear… That's pretty handy, not going to lie! Oh, and even though the Greybeards have no problem with my cute little friends, they insisted on me proceeding alone.

Now, about their leader, Paarthurnax, the one Greybeard I had never met, the Greybeard who's actually a dragon… I should've known what to expect after they told me months ago about him and how he lives up the mountain. He's quite a philosopher too, and he was really curious about me and happy to finally talk to me. We ended up talking for a long, long while about all kinds of things.

The kicker here is that he doesn't know Dragonrend either. I mean, that kind of makes sense. How could dragons know and comprehend words of power that were created for the sole purpose of harming them? He does, however, know how I can learn the shout. Apparently, I must bring an Elder Scroll to the top of the mountain and read it at some time-rift created during the dragon war, when the ancient Nords used it against Alduin to banish him from the world into the drifts of time or something…

Shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder, and I'm having a hard time keeping up! But the good news is that I have the Elder Scroll. No, I have three! I've held onto them without even knowing why. Selling them would probably net a fortune, but now I'm glad I kept onto them!

I walked back home, and now at the end of this long day, it's time for me to get some well-deserved rest. Tomorrow I, no… We'll climb the steps and the slopes again. Paarthurnax suggested that Alduin might already know what I'm up to, and if I were to read the Elder Scroll on the very spot he was defeated, he might consider that a challenge too juicy to pass up. I'm so nervous… Like, will he really come? Turns out I may have to come face to face with my demons and challenge my ultimate test sooner than I feared…

Sun's Height, 4th, 4E 202

Reading the Elder Scrolls really let me see into the past and learn the weapon I've been looking for. Like, it sent me back in time, I got to see the ancient hero use the Thu'um they had created against dragons, and I learned its words and meanings. Then, when I returned, I got a chance to test it. Just as Paarthurnax predicted, my target came straight to me, probably finally recognizing the danger I possess against him, presumably to eliminate the threat that is me before I could grow anymore in power…

Now, in my vision, the three heroes could use their voices to restrain the mighty Alduin and knock him out of the sky, and they were mere ordinary mortals. Me, a little girl with a voice of a dragon, possess a voice mightier than any mortal, and I knocked him out of the sky all the same. Not even Alduin was able to resist its power.

It didn't make the fight easier, even though we had him permanently grounded from the start. No doubt I would've lost had he been airborne for the entirety of the battle, and no doubt I would've lost had it not been for Sofia, Serana, and Paarthurnax by my side. His voice was so powerful, his godlike powers beyond anything I could expect. I was able to drain his strength away, but I was not able to defeat him. In the end, he used his voice to blow me away, which made me unable to refresh my shout's effect on him, and for him to take flight. He may have been injured, but he could make his escape.

He complimented me on my strength and my growth, which far surpasses what he expected from me, but at the end of the day, not even my newly acquired weapon can defeat him, or so he said. I promised him it would, and promised that I would not only get my revenge against him by avenging the death of my family and my loved ones, but also by sparing the world from whatever tyranny or apocalypse he had planned. I could tell that saying those words made him react and that he might've even taken some joy in the fact that he had caused me grief, but he didn't comment on it. It was like it was of no consequence to him. He just reminded me of who I was, and then he flew out from our reach.

We have no idea where he may have gone, not even Paarthurnax is sure, but I'm so glad that he's gone. There's no doubt that he will return and challenge me again. When will it happen, I do not know, but I have to be ready. Better yet, I need to be able to catch him off guard myself.

Paarthurnax reckons I might be able to get the answer out from one of the dragons Alduin has resurrected, but getting the answer out of them will be damn near impossible. I mean, how could I convince one to betray his master?

I'm on my own on this one. I'm not even sure who to turn to. Arngeir or Esbern? I'd be a little embarrassed to beg the former for help, and I doubt they would be all that interested anyway. Latter though… I feel like Esbern owes me one.

So, we'll be heading back to the Reach then!

Sun's Height, 5th, 4E 202

Well, well… What did my young eyes see when I entered the Sky Haven Temple? I guess the last of the blades weren't expecting me to come back so soon. I never thought these two had THAT kind of relationship! I don't find Esbern the most attractive old man out there, and Delphine isn't exactly my type either, so watching a middle-aged woman suck off an elderly man wasn't going to make me feel that excited… Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I decided to wait for them to be done and then meet them as soon as the way was clear. I'm glad to say they never suspected me of actually seeing what they did. Well, I mostly listened anyway. Whatever.

So, I told everything about what had happened to me with the Greybeards and Alduin, and they were happy with the news. I also talked about how we need to find out where Alduin has gone now. He was curious about me telling him that Paarthurnax is a dragon, and he kept muttering to himself about how he's confident he's familiar with that name.

No matter, he said, he has a plan. His idea is to capture a dragon that is allied to Alduin and have this dragon tell me. I tried explaining to him that there's no way I could accomplish anything like that, but he said that there is a way. There's a castle here in Skyrim that's actually partially designed for such a task… And I've been there before. That's Dragonsreach.

However, he also told me that I'm now on my own on this one. I suspected it may be so…

Sun's Height, 6th, 4E 202

So, I walked up to the great Jarl in Whiterun and told him my plan, what I knew about the dragons, and what must be done. Sadly, his answer was a stern "No". He said he'd love to help if it genuinely helped me defeat Alduin, who he sees as a great threat to the world, but it's just not that easy. For starters, he doubts whether everything I'm saying is true or whenever this really is that big of a deal. He obviously knows of Alduin, so he will at least consider this, but for now, the answer remains no.

Besides, there's a civil war going on, and Whiterun is one of the most vulnerable cities in Skyrim due to its central location. Both factions fighting over the land desire it, while Balgruuf just desires what's best for Whiterun and its people. I can't blame him for not wanting to go with this.

But what can I do? One option would be to just end this war, but what in Oblivion could I do about that? I don't even want to pick a side! I think that for now, I may have to wait it out, as Whiterun isn't the only rope that's being tugged into multiple directions at once.

My day didn't end there, and that didn't end up being the last time I spoke to Balgruuf today either, as we had an unexpected encounter later.

Since it was getting late, we decided to stay in Whiterun for a night and headed to the Bannered Mare. We had a lot of time to relax and have fun, and the place was packed that night for some particular reason. Even the Jarl himself came down to drink mead with the peasants. Initially, this surprised me, but me and the girls did gossip about how one of his kids is from a different mother than the other two and about how we haven't even seen his wife ever… Does he even have one? It's not entirely out of the question that he could be coming down to these places to revel in women in addition to wine. Well anyway, that's when things took an interesting turn. Two assassins were after his life. Why would they try to assassinate him in a middle of a busy inn? Maybe to use the chaotic milieu to their advantage? Still, surely there are better places to assassinate a Jarl? Why not assassinate him on the street, for example, when he's traveling between the castle and the inn?

I stood up to help this old pal of mine, but considering my notoriety, it didn't turn out to be a wise move, as one lady must've mistaken me for an attacker as well. Her name is Ria, and she's with the Companions. I haven't talked about that lot a whole lot, but they're basically these law-abiding warriors who are very much respected all over Skyrim. They have a long history and are kind of like the local Fighters Guild. You can imagine that there are many ideological differences between us, and I bet they don't like me one bit. Ria herself is an Imperial in her mid-teens and isn't that much taller than me, to be honest. She's got more meat on her chest and her hips though… Not much though, she's pretty tiny for a woman of her age.

She said that she knows all about me and what I'm up to. Despite being one tiny woman, she pinned me to the ground, and no doubt if it hadn't been for Balgruuf's intervention, she would've killed - or at least arrested me. Well, despite being told that I'm not an assassin by the Jarl himself, she still insisted that I'm a dangerous bitch and should rot in jail. Of course, since I hadn't done anything wrong, she had to let me go by order of the Jarl. She whispered to me that she'll have her eyes on me, said she doesn't trust me one bit, and even called me a foul blood-drinker. Yikes, what a bitch…

Well, Balgruuf was luckily unharmed and thanked me sincerely. He and Irileth got into an argument over all of this though, and she kept insisting that he shouldn't go out in public like this. He of course has no intentions of changing his ways, but he did express worry over the assassins since this is already the third time something like this has happened. He said that he's been scheduled to give a public speech tomorrow and he would like to have me as an extra bodyguard, promising me some gold for it. I tried to talk him into also promising to help me with that dragon capturing scheme, to which he just said, "we'll see about that after those assassins have been dealt with".

After that, we went to sleep, or at least tried to. It seemed like Ria was still in the bar; not enjoying a drink, mind you, but to keep watch on me constantly, like some kind of stalker. Any time our eyes crossed, she gave me a death glare. Well, as long as she's just looking, I don't care… I don't plan on causing any trouble anyway…

Sun's Height, 8th, 4E 202

Things didn't go quite as I expected…

First, me and the girls decided to split into two groups. In addition to me keeping guard of Balgruuf, we also had the problem of Irileth being a busybody and overly protective of her Jarl. Sofia and Serana had to take care of that in order for Balgruuf to slip out to actually give his speech.

I sat on top of a wall. The city guard had been notified that I had been contracted specifically by the Jarl, but nobody else had to know I was there. Well, things kind of went south from there because too many things just had to happen at once. First, two people who looked like they could be assassins appeared in the corner of my eye. Nobody had seen them yet, but with their daggers drawn, they were going straight for the Jarl's life. Then, as I drew my bow, a heavy hand of Ria descended down on me, and she gave me the meanest look ever.

"I knew you're up to no good", she said, with her sword drawn against my neck. Once again, she could've probably killed me if she wanted, but something kept her back. She asked me for just one reason to spare me before she'd cut my head off…

Well, I called her a stupid bitch and said that the assassins were already down there; I was trying to defend the Jarl! She then realized what mistake she had made. I could've spared Jarl from what happened to him. He took a nasty cut to his hamstring during the attack, and he damn near died!

Forget about getting paid, I thought I would spend the rest of my life in the Dragonsreach dungeon for this failure, but Ria actually had the sense and the honor to admit that her misjudgment caused her to interrupt me from doing my job. She thought she was doing the right thing and wholeheartedly apologized.

Well, Jarl Balgruuf said that while things didn't go as planned, they learned something. Besides, he'll recover.

These "assassins" are actually some bandits holed up in a cave called White River Watch just east of Whiterun. He ordered Ria and me to take care of it. I didn't have any problem with it, but you should've seen the anger on Ria's face. Honestly, considering how childlike she looks, it was rather adorable.

"No way I'd ever team up with that vampire cunt", she said. "I'll go alone. She can go suck a fat cock for all I care", she added. "Don't you get it, my Lord? This bitch is a criminal."

Balgruuf was having none of it and just told Ria to suck it up and that I could be trusted. After that, she reluctantly said "Fine" and decided to tag along with me. Well, it was more like her saying that she'll do all the work, and I'll just stay the fuck back and don't even think about accidentally shooting arrows at her. Otherwise, the full force of the Companions will be brought down on me for me to face justice. Sofia and Serana came with us too, but I feel that Ria didn't care about them helping all that much either.

Well, we did everything she asked for - and we may have been a little malicious with our compliance - and wouldn't you know, she got into some trouble with the bandits actually capturing her alive. She bit more than she could chew, rushed straight into an ambush like the idiot she was while I was standing back, trying to be cautious. She screamed for help, called my name, still cursing at me, but bandits luckily didn't take her too seriously, saying she should stop bluffing and telling her that nobody would save her. They thought she was really alone.

After raping her for a while, she was already begging "please", begging for the bandits to spare her. Sofia and Serana were both on my case, saying that we should just drop this and go save her, that she would do the same. Obviously, I had every intention to, but we couldn't just rush in. We had to bide our time. Eventually, even though this sounds sensible at face value, it ended up being a mistake. Never did we expect that we would be ambushed from behind…

Sofia made it out, and I'm glad she did. She could go call for reinforcements, but that didn't help my, Serana's, or Ria's case at all. Ria was especially terrified when she saw we had failed, and it honestly looked like she could've bawled her eyes out. That's how scared she seemed. I kind of feel sorry for her… She's got a nasty temper, but I have a feeling she's got her heart in the right place. I'm not sure how many experiences like this she's had either. Like I've mentioned, she's very much a beginner, and even though she's a crazy-skilled fighter, she has ways to go.

Well, anyway, these assassins and bandits had a field day with us. These guys probably have taken some big contracts in the past to be able to afford everything they did, from Ebonite collars and armbinders to all that mead and Skooma. It wasn't the purest quality, but it was enough to drug any small girl. And yeah, Ria loudly protested being drugged with that stuff, although she was utterly smashed after just two bottles of it, moaning like a whore too. Serana and I had the foresight of being obedient from the start, but it didn't do anything to make them raping us gentler… It probably just made things a whole lot easier for them.

Anyway, it was a long day that extended well past midnight. Fortunately for us, help arrived before dawn. Sofia came back for us, and he had some boys from Companions with him: Farkas and Vilkas, brothers, a couple of Nord studs. Well, I expected them since Ria is here, but I didn't expect what happened next.

Farkas wasn't just pissed. He was so pissed that he did something he probably shouldn't have done, which revealed a massive secret to me. The dude's a goddamn werewolf! He transformed when he was pushed against the wall, and I just couldn't believe what I saw. Vilkas tried to scold him about it being a secret, and Farkas admitted that he shouldn't have shown that side of him. He said he expects us to shut up about it and keep it a secret as a payment for helping us, or else he'll have me burned alive like the filthy vampire I am.

Well, being a werewolf is no less of a crime than being a Vampire, but I didn't actually dare to say that. Don't want to give him any admissions or evidence of me actually being one because I don't want to make enemies out of these guys… Besides, we have a mutual understanding here. I have my secrets to guard, and they have theirs, so it's only fair, and we can both use this as leverage towards each other. Then again, they aren't even my enemies, at least according to some of them.

I was invited to visit the Jorvaskarr after getting some good night's sleep and proper rest. Kodlar, the harbinger of the Companions, wanted to talk to me in private. He said that he was thankful for me not abandoning Ria and showing bravery. Even in defeat, my courage had impressed him. He said that he's heard a lot of bad things about me and that my name carries a lot of negativity in Skyrim, but he also said something surprising. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my dearest diary, I'll be paraphrasing… My memory isn't THAT good.

"I know you're afraid and protective of your secrets, young one, but I want you to understand that there's no need for you to feel fear in these halls. I've lived long enough to see men and women, young and old alike, fall victim to their destinies and go down paths they haven't chosen for themselves. Children like you are especially vulnerable. I know you are from Helgen, and I know you've gone through a lot. I know there aren't many kind people in this province willing to lend a helping hand to orphans like you, especially in these times of political strife, uncertainty, and war in which even brothers may fight to the death. Bandits, vampires, all kinds of criminals like to take advantage of that… They like to groom young blood like you down to a path of crime."

I couldn't utter a word because I knew there was so much truth to what he was saying. During my adventures, I haven't thought about it. I believe I've chosen to do most of the things I've done, but maybe that's just an illusion… Maybe I really have been groomed and used. His words resonated deeply with me, but he wasn't done.

"I've also heard of your heroic deeds. Average citizens don't hear too much about you. They just hear what has been said in the inns. They hear the rumors and stop thinking there, but you've helped a lot of people. Saadia speaks well of you, and so does Lucan Valerius down in Riverwood. The Jarl himself recognizes you as a hero, and you've got other friends up in the Could District as well. You've capable of a lot of good, and I sense that fire in you. So, what do you say? Would you be down to doing some work with us every now and then?"

I said I have to think about it. I mean, I like to pick up bounties set up by Jarls, guards, and ordinary citizens every now and then. Like, let's be honest, bandits and other criminals of similar caliber still remain my primary source of blood because they already have prices on their heads. He said that I didn't have to give him an answer. He has a lot of ears around Skyrim, and he will know if I've done something to deserve recognition and praise. He encouraged me to stay on the path of bettering myself.

Well, I hate to end it on a bummer, but I don't think I will ever join these guys. I mean, it just wouldn't work out. There's so much he still doesn't know about me. The truth is, while there's a lot in my life that has simply been my sad destiny and out of my control, I've also chosen to do a lot of evil… I respect these people too much to just lie to them…

After that, I finally got ready to leave, but Ria stopped me on my way out. She said she still doesn't like me or approve of me, but I have earned her respect as a warrior. "I might've been wrong about you", she said, "or maybe not, remains to be seen." She then thanked me and told me to bugger off.

So… Yeah… I'm not a Companion, and I never will be, but it's good to know that I've at least helped restore my reputation with them, so I don't have to worry too much about making them my enemies. Then again, it never was that much of a worry in the first place… They've never bothered me… Whatever…

On the way back to the inn to meet up with the girls, I got stopped by the courier who had an angry letter from Mercer Frey, saying he needs me to do some work for him. This time the reason is that the Thalmor snooping around the Ratway has cost them business and how he thinks it's my fault for involving the guild in my own "dangerous" businesses. I suppose trying to explain none of this was MY fault wouldn't help at all, so off to Riften I must go next…

• 17th Journal - Punishment