JoS/Henriette/3rd Journal - Friends and Enemies

Heartfire, 12th, 4E 201

My dearest, sweetest diary, today I learned that guards are dicks. The first thing I heard after climbing the mountain down back to Ivarstead was one of them calling me a whore for absolutely no reason. What gives?

Anyway, I've been trying to find inspiration for my next journey, mostly by discussing rumors with the locals at the Vilemyr Inn, and I learned about a group called Dawnguard. They're vampire hunters or something. I may be a vampire myself, but that does not mean I'm aligned with any vampire clan or a coven. No, I want to get myself healed, I want to be normal again, and I want to get revenge on vampires for doing this to me. Dawnguard's interests partially align with mine, but I wonder, would they ever accept me as one of them? Would they be willing to work with me? It's very risky to approach them, especially if I try to hide my nature from them… Then again, they might be my best clue in finding a cure.

This may be stupid, but I think I'm going to take a chance with them. I'll be passing through Riften, which is relatively close by.

That reminds me… There was this boy who wanted the owner of the orphanage dead. I suppose I might as well finally go see what this Grelod the Kind is really all about.

Heartfire, 13th, 4E 201

Before we even managed to make our way into the city, guards tried to extort money from us with some visitor's tax. Look, I'm a dumb, inexperienced, and gullible little lady, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for something like that, and neither is Sofia. I called them out and they let us in for free. From there, we decided to split up for a while.

For a relatively small city, Riften feels pretty packed and lively. I couldn't walk ten steps without someone wanting to converse with me. I didn't care for most of it, but when I made it to the marketplace, there was this handsome Nord talking to me. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying at first, because I was just so focused on how hot he was. He talked me into some scheme of stealing a ring and planting it into some merchant's pocket. It sounded like a fun prank, and I wanted to get on his good side, so I played along. I succeeded, didn't get caught, and he even paid me. A job masterfully done, if I may say so myself. I didn't expect the fallout that was about to go down though.

At first, I thought we were just committing a practical prank, but the guards actually went on to arrest the man I framed, and wouldn't you know it, he got arrested and thrown into jail. I guess I was committing a serious crime…? I questioned the Nord, but he just smiled, saying he thought he had made it clear. Was I not listening? I guess not. He'll be freed in a couple of weeks because this crime was a petty one, so… Could've been worse.

He then introduced himself as Brynjolf, a name I'm sure to remember very well from now on. He stated that my success had made him interested in me and invited me to join his "organization". I know that Thieves Guild has a presence in this town, so could this be it? Is this handsome hunk their leader or something? I have to think long and hard about how to go about this since I don't know what they can offer me. If I really have a talent for thievery, I could make some extra money, but I'm not sure if the risk is worth the reward. One wrong move and you end up having to pay the guards, maybe even get arrested and jailed. Still, the money's good, like I said… So maybe!

I now want to write about why I came to this poor, crime-ridden town in the first place: Honorhall Orphanage.

I honestly was expecting Aventus's story about Grelod to be just a gross exaggeration, but everything he said is true. Everyone here backs up the accusations about Grelod being a horrible headmistress. Even the kind lady who also works here says so. These children are malnourished, they get beatings too… Their bodies and bruises prove everything. One said that he was sure Grelod would eventually get one of them killed. It made me SO mad. All I could see was red, and my literal vampiric bloodlust wasn't helping.

I've calmed down now. I'm waiting until after midnight, and I'll make my move then. I shouldn't probably pray to the nine to help me commit murder, but gods, please, help me get through this… It's for those poor children…

Heartfire, 14th, 4E 201

I did it. I actually did it. I waited for Riften to quiet down, and I made sure to not be seen. I snuck into the orphanage quietly and made it to her room, where I found her sitting beside the table, reading a book.

Then, I grabbed her mouth and pulled her towards myself. I stabbed her heart and slit her neck wide open.

My heart had never beaten so fast, my breath was so heavy, and the smile on my face… I probably sounded like I was about to burst out crying, but I honestly felt like laughing. She fell to the floor with a loud thud, blood gushing out from the open wounds… Blood on the table, on the walls, pooled on the floor, splashed on my face, on my hand, my dagger… So much tasty blood…! I couldn't help myself at the moment, so I sat down when she fell towards me, and I bit into her neck, trying to suck as much of her blood as I could. I had to. It was fresh, and I couldn't let it go cold and to waste. Her heart may have not been beating anymore, but it didn't make her any less delicious.

It felt like an eternity, I was in a trance, and it felt amazing. Cathartic pleasure flushed through my body… It reminded me of that time I got revenge on that Argonian too… My joy may have been fueled by revenge back then, but even though I took pleasure in killing a man that had wronged me despite his pleas and begging… Even still, that doesn't compare at all to what I'm feeling right now… I've never been so wet before…

I'm not even sure if I made it out without being seen, not that those children would dare to rat me out. I ran away, out of sight, and I curled up into a little ball somewhere quiet, licking my hands clean from the woman's blood, trying to contain myself and stop myself from hyperventilating and smiling like a crazy person.

What have I done? Oh gods, what have I done? I killed that woman and felt good about it.

Heartfire, 14th, 4E 201

I now look back at what I wrote last night, and I have thought about it a lot. I never knew I had it in me or that I would enjoy doing something like that, but I did enjoy it, I think. I know what I did was immoral, horrible and dangerous, but… I feel no guilt, no remorse. That filthy hag had it coming. Gave me a decent meal too.

I stayed a night in Riften. The guards haven't come for me yet. I'm really, really afraid that someone might've caught me. Maybe someone could easily connect the dots and suspect me, perhaps arrest me to interrogate me, but nobody has come after me. At least not yet. Am I seriously getting away with murder? That's insane… I didn't even plan my kill very well… Looking back, I could've done it so much better… It hasn't even been a full calendar day though…

One person who DID figure out it was me, though, was Sofia, and being an orphan herself, she said she was actually happy with me "saving" those kids. So, there's that. She really is a one-of-a-kind friend for being okay with me being a vampire and a cold-hearted assassin on top of that. I so, so adore her for that.

Kind of makes me also wonder, is it wise of me to write an admittance of guilt on paper? I mean, this is a diary. That's what diaries are supposed to be for, but at the same time…

I know you, my dear, precious diary, are supposed to be an outlet for my thoughts, a place for me to collect them, but I'm not sure I want to be writing for a while… I'll just contemplate on what I've done, and what I have truly become, a cold-hearted monster…

Heartfire, 19th, 4E 201

I haven't been writing for a couple of days, but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing anything. I've stayed in the Rift area with Sofia for a while now, mostly in Riften itself. I'm now convinced that the guards have no idea it was me who killed Grelod, and I'm loving it. People gossip on the streets too, and while some are shocked, mostly adults and by-lookers, people generally seem more shocked about how no kid in the orphanage even seems to be sad about her passing.

Sofia doesn't mind this place either. Sure, the city is kind of poor, and crime is rampant, but the people seem nice for the most part, and the nature here is beautiful, especially the lakeside. Staying here has also helped us transition to traveling during the night too, something we're both very comfortable doing now.

I also decided to check the Ratway like Brynjolf instructed. I thought I had found the Ragged Flagon, but I had found another bar he never told me about. Was it because I'm a child? Was he trying to protect me? Surely, he could've warned me to not go there…

After I decided to go in out of pure morbid curiosity, I realized that I may have made a big mistake. This bar, this place of carnal sin, specializes in Skooma. All kinds of Skooma were available, some of which were worth a small fortune. Some of the patrons were clearly addicted, while others were there for different reasons… Some were even checking me in an odd way.

That's when I also heard them. People were having sex. I walked in to see, but nobody cared even if a child was going to see what was taking place. Even the two adults getting it on didn't even care about me watching them. A sudden realization made me escape quickly because I knew that if they were okay with me watching and looking around, it might be normal for some children to come here and sell their bodies as well. I left the place as fast as I could without making a scene, blushing like crazy. I don't want to return to that place. In fact, this whole sewer gives me the creeps.

My curious findings didn't end there. I found a rather luxurious-looking apartment hidden in some quiet corner of the Ratway. At first, I suspected that the place might be owned by some Argonian given all the books, including the infamous "Lusty Argonian Maid", but then I actually found Thalmor Robes locked inside a cabinet. Why would a Thalmor agent be holing up here in the sewers? Made no sense. And where is this agent now anyway? I left quickly, couldn't risk those guys knowing someone had been snooping around.

And then, finally, I made it to the Flagon, which certainly seemed instantly more glamorous than the Skooma den. Brynjolf seemed impressed by me getting there and started immediately talking about recruiting me. I helped him collect some debts in Riften and ended up making some enemies too. Things did go as planned, but it wasn't without drama.

First was Haelga, who runs a bunkhouse. Despite being one of only two inns in the city, it doesn't cater to tourists but rather to the working man. I was told to use some Dibellan statue as leverage to get her to pay, but I didn't really imagine that working out in my favor, as me stealing the statue after asking her to pay would've made it very obvious, but luckily she was easily swayed by a threat of dropping it down the well. Besides, it's just a hundred septims, she said, not a big deal. She was just holding onto it due to not wanting to bow to thugs.

Then I targeted Keerava, the owner of the second inn, the more hospitable one. This one was a super easy job, as I basically just talked to her boyfriend Talen-Jei, who she runs the inn with. Talen-Jei's been looking to propose to Keerava, but needs some materials to create her a traditional Saxhleel wedding ring, a big deal to him as they're both Argonians. I helped him get some materials - which came out pretty cheap because I happened to have an Amethyst on me, and Talen-Jei paid in Keerava's stead. Easy peasy.

Last was the owner of a local general store Bersi Honey-Hand, who was the most stubborn of all these people. He absolutely was not gonna pay even though he could and was constantly telling me to get out or he'd call the guards. It was actually his wife who ultimately told him to just pay because she was ashamed of her husband yelling at a damn child. I was initially gonna threaten to knock over some Dwemer vase he had on display, but luckily it never came to that. Not even sure why Brynjolf gave me such tips that would've just gotten me into trouble if I followed them…

Anyway, with a job well done, I was welcomed into the Thieves Guild, which means that despite making a few enemies, I also gained some important friends as they let me join. I see no harm in being part of this organization. It comes with some extra perks, and having a place where I can safely sell possible stolen goods is always nice.

Despite my initial impressions about this place, the guild is struggling financially. I was interested in making some new friends here, but it feels like everyone sees me as just another business associate. Not to say that people there weren't nice though, because they certainly were, mostly anyway. Mercer Frey, the leader, rubs me the wrong way. It's like he's constantly angry at something or someone, or maybe everyone. I bet everyone.

I only got to interact with the other senior members as well as two men who work only for the Flagon. Vekel owns it, while Dirge is his bodyguard and a bouncer. Neither of them seemed too impressed by me, with Vekel especially commenting on how the guild must be really struggling to rely on help from even little children these days. It annoyed me, but I just bit my tongue instead of making a scene. I swear that I'm gonna prove him wrong in time!

Delvin and Vex offer jobs, out of which I really liked the former. He seems respectful and said he trusts Brynjolf's judgment about me fully, believing I have a bright future in the guild. Vex, on the other hand, I'm not sure what to think of. Not sure if it's overconfidence or if she can actually back her claims up, but she seems full of herself. She's open-minded though, but I'll have to prove myself to her before she can take me seriously as a recruit. Lastly, Tonilia is the fence at the Flagon, meaning that she will buy stolen goods. In that sense, she's probably the most important person in the guild because stolen goods really are the lifeblood of this organization. Sure, you've got the other "leaders" working with the clients directly, but she's the only reliable fence for common goods.

There also was a woman in the Flagon who immediately recognized me as a vampire. Nothing like that has ever happened before. She didn't seem too bothered by it, which suggests that my secret is also safe here… She wasn't part of the guild, I think. All the better, as I could really use friends I can trust, friends who don't care about me being a vampire. But enough of the Guild and the Flagon.

During these few days, Sofia and I also visited Fort Dawnguard. Isran, their leader, seemed kind of scary. I could sense his hatred for vampires so vividly and I immediately got a feeling that he wasn't the kind of man who would be interested in curing me or even hearing what made me this way. The only cure he knows for vampirism is a swift death, and all he seems to care about is killing vampires. There's no way he'd ever let me live even if I told him I'm a vampire looking for a cure.

I never told him I wanted to join the Dawnguard, but he mistook me for a recruit anyway. I was already planning to take my leave when he just willy-nilly sent me on a task to some place called Dimhollow Crypt. There are apparently some vampires there, looking for something. The tip came from the Vigilants of Stendarr, whose headquarters on the foot of the mountain, just south of Dawnstar, were attacked by the vampires when they were on their way to that cave. Perhaps I could approach them? It seems this world isn't kind to vampires, no matter their circumstances, so maybe they at least help their own kind? And if not, perhaps I'd at least find answers?

And now, we're in Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm. I reported back to Aventus Aretino earlier and he gave me some old family heirloom as a reward. Not sure how to feel about that, since it doesn't seem that valuable to me. It kind of sucks not being able to get a decent reward for risking my life and freedom, but he's just a kid. It's probably all he has, so I'm not going to hold it against him.

Heartfire, 21st, 4E 201

I've been kidnapped again, just like the time I was taken from Helgen. This time though, things were very much different.

My kidnapper's name is Astrid, and she's associated with the Dark Brotherhood. She didn't seem angry at me, but she knew… They knew that I killed Grelod the Kind. And when I said she wasn't angry, I meant it. Like, she complimented me on how good and skillful I was with my work.

Sofia was also present because Astrid thought she had been working with me. She had already been "interrogated" by Astrid, but Sofia had said she had no part in killing that old hag. I confirmed this to Astrid too, and said that while she's my friend and a travel companion, she was not involved in the killing in any way. That was fine by Astrid, and she promised that no harm would come to Sofia, provided she would keep quiet about what was about to happen. She said that "normally", these kinds of loose ends would have to be tied with a knot soaked in blood, but since Sofia has already been quiet about knowing what I did, she can be spared. "Besides, it's not like the Brotherhood can't have allies outside the family", in her own words.

Regarding exactly what was going to happen, there were three people in the shed beside us, and Astrid asked me to figure out which one of them had a contract on them. I was meant to then kill that person to "repay my debt". She said it was the only way for me to get out of that shed, so I had no choice. I thought about it for a long time, I talked to each and every one of them, and I came to a conclusion not even Astrid could anticipate.

I killed them all. Every single one. They all heard what me and Astrid talked about. If even one of them were to walk out of here alive, the chances of my crime being exposed to the world would've risen exponentially and I wasn't willing to take that risk.

Astrid seemed pleased with me. She didn't mind at all, because it wasn't about figuring out who was responsible but rather a test to see if I could follow orders. I guess I passed, because she extended an invitation for me to join the Dark Brotherhood. What is it with me and attracting attention from these kinds of folks? Vampires, thieves, assassins… Trouble must love company, I guess. I don't want to think of myself as a criminal, but at this point it feels like it's my destiny to go down a dark path. Not sure where it all went wrong. Have the divines abandoned me, or is it me? Have I abandoned them?

Besides, even though all these people may be criminals, they are the only people besides the Greybeards willing to associate with me. I will make all the friends I can get, and if that means being affiliated with the Dark Brotherhood, so be it.

Now, it's time for me to visit their Sanctuary in Falkreath post haste. I guess Sofia is coming too, but I doubt she'll be allowed inside the Sanctuary, as she isn't interested in joining. Astrid only told me the secret phrase to enter the Sanctuary, so… Yeah…

Maybe after that visit, the Dimhollow Crypt comes next? We'll see.

Heartfire, 23rd, 4E 201

I made it to the Dark Brotherhood's Sanctuary in Falkreath and was immediately made feel welcome, which is more than I can say about most other establishments I have recently visited. I learned a lot about them, how they operate, and their plans for the future, or lack thereof… They didn't have any big contract for me yet, but I talked to a Redguard named Nazir, who had some smaller jobs for me. I of course took the jobs. I guess I'm an assassin now!

Speaking of Nazir, he seems like a great guy, funny too. He's my type of man; dangerous and good-looking to the boot… He was a little skeptical of me and wondered if I could make an impression on him, but at least he kept an open mind. I value his honesty and hope to prove him wrong.

The next person I met was Arnbjorn. He didn't seem too fond of me, but I have a feeling he's not fond of most people, so I didn't take it personally. Apparently, he's a werewolf and an ex-Companion, and most importantly, Astrid's husband. What I said about Arnbjorn probably applies to Festus as well. He may be the most talented magician alive in this family, but he's also a grumpy old man who isn't fond of others. Gabriella is a bit of a mystery as far as her talents go, but she seems like a really lovely woman, and I have a feeling we'll get along. And Veezara? He's a Shadowscale, born and bred into this business in the swamps of Argonia. Seemed like a nice guy too.

The person who stuck to me the most was Babette though. Me and her, we're very much alike. She was bitten by a vampire when she was ten, the same as me. She's even a Breton, just like me! It's crazy how two seemingly unique people can be so much alike! The only big difference between us is our age because while we look identical in age and size, she is over three hundred years now. She's got a certain kind of mental maturity to her, which made me look at her almost like a big sister of sorts and even a sight into my own future. Like, never before meeting her did I actually stop to think about how crazy it is that I will never grow up. She also seems to like me, which is a relief because I want to become good friends with her.

I actually ended up making one more friend, if you can even call it that. I've believed in and prayed to the divines from when I was a tiny little toddler, but what I've become and what I've done goes against what they approve of and what they expect their followers to live their lives like. So I abandoned them, just like they're probably happy to abandon me. I have a new religion now, and he is the Dread Father himself. As a part of this family, it only makes sense for me to live my life as a daughter of Sithis.

Festus urged me to read about him a bit and gave me a few books on the subject. "Sithis", "The Night Mother's Truth", and the various works of "Nisswo Xeewulm" were all interesting, although heavy reads, and I'm not even going to pretend I'm smart enough to understand everything those tomes talked about. Night Mother, by the way, is another extremely important figure in the "religion" of this "guild".

I also learned about how Sithis is venerated not only by the Dark Brotherhood but is an important figure in the religion of Argonians as well, if you can even call it a religion. Babette herself tried to reason worshipping him by saying that he's both nothing and everything at the same time, the empty nothingness, the void, and the chaos that sets the world of order in motion and stirs it. I really don't understand how that relates to this guild being a group of assassins. Like, this shit's complex, but it's also interesting! Sithis seems more worthy of worship than any divine I know of, as he is something much bigger than a mere god. He's the very force of nature that set the creation of all things into motion.

Anyway, that's just my understanding. I hope to learn more as time passes.

And that was about it. This place seems like a merry bunch, for a bunch of assassins anyway. I feel safe here, I feel welcome, and I feel understood and accepted. Joining the Dark Brotherhood seemed like another excellent decision by me. Now, I just have to continue being careful and not doing anything stupid like getting myself killed.

Heartfire, 25th, 4E 201

Sofia and I finally decided to check out the Dimhollow Crypt on behalf of the Dawnguard. Our instructions to find the cave we're looking for were to first walk past the Hall of the Vigilants, one of their two bases of operations here in Skyrim. To our shock, we found it in ruins, with everyone dead inside. Not one survivor remained. We understood immediately that whatever the vampires want from here has to be really important. We should've just turned back and abandoned the mission, but my naive self thought it'd be fine. It wasn't fine. This adventure has been the closest we have come to actually meeting our defeat.

Vampires here weren't happy to see us and saw us instantly as a threat. There were no discussions to be had, and they didn't care that I was a vampire myself. They saw me as an enemy to be defeated, a rival, and a distraction, and tried to kill me while Sofia would be kidnapped and turned into cattle. Neither has happened, fortunately.

Having never actually fought another vampire before, I got a taste of the powers a more experienced vampire has. They can turn into bats, they're really good with Destruction magic, and they even command these big, black dog-like creatures. I've never actually trained or honed the spells and abilities I supposedly should know myself. This spell they call the "Vampiric Drain", for example, was something they cast a lot, and they made it look so easy. I'm probably nowhere near skilled enough to use a spell like that.

These vampires were a tough bunch, but real dangers actually laid even deeper inside.

We found vampires fighting off Draugr. At first, we thought that maybe we could just let the problems solve each other out, or maybe we could even try to help the vampires gain leverage with them, maybe reason with them. It wasn't to be because these vampires were quickly defeated. We were up against a Draugr more powerful than we had ever encountered. Like fools, we took the challenge.

There was just one left, but it wielded two different shouts, both of which made it feel like we were up against a larger group. The first one summoned a powerful wind to knock his enemies off their feet, and the second one made it turn completely invulnerable to damage. It knocked me down rather quickly, with only Sofia left standing. She did her best to protect me, but she went down trying to defend me. We were certain we were both going to die at that point.

Instead of going for the kill though, the Draugr took Sofia's weapon, threw it aside, and stripped her naked. I was still unable to regain my composure, so all I could do was watch as this undead try to defile my precious friend. It was horrifying to see, and she was really scared, having completely lost her cool. She was trying to fight to the very end to not be raped by that monster, but she was faring badly. I had to intervene to stop it from happening. I was able to gather my strength and save her from losing her virginity just in time.

I knew there was no way I would defeat this monster with a bow, so I took my sword instead. I also knew I needed to try alternative strategies, and I tapped into my knowledge about the voice to find a suitable weapon for this zombie, and I found the weapon I was looking for.

It was something I figured out when studying alternative meanings for the words of power I know, and this one I might want to rely on a lot in the future. It curses my foes to suffer the same wounds they inflict upon me. Every glancing blow, every cracked bone, and every single spell that pierces my soul is mirrored right back to the attacker. Alone, it wouldn't have been enough, but neither would my swordsmanship have been enough. Together though, it was enough to drain his strength away slowly. As soon as he fell to his knees, I decapitated the bastard, ensuring he would never resurrect again.

Since then, we've been resting. It's not like me to write in my journal while I'm not in a safe place, but we had to stop down for a while to gather our thoughts and heal our injuries. We're sure it's safe now, but we can't afford to doze off. We'll continue once we're fully recovered.

Heartfire, 25th, 4E 201

We found out what the vampires were looking for, if you can even call it what… Or it…

There was this massive stone structure in the middle of a large grotto, with pillars and moveable little fountain-looking thingies around it. The three vampires working on it had no idea how it worked, which gave us ample opportunity to take them all out quietly. That was the last of the enemy vampires we had to deal with, but there was still the little issue of why exactly they were here. We were able to figure out how this puzzle or a lock worked, and from underneath it, we were able to erect a large, hexagon-shaped pillar, which turned out to be a coffin of some kind. Inside it, you see, was a person.

She was young, even younger than me, at least in appearance, and still very much alive. Like me, she's a vampire, and despite being what the enemy was looking for, she at least was friendly with us. Like Sofia, she too is a Nord with jet-black hair, although hers is a little shorter and straightened out. She was confused about who I was, why I had woken her up, who sent me, all that stuff. I was as honest as I could be and said that a group of vampire hunters called the Dawnguard was interested in this place and that I was initially sent here by them. She did not understand why a vampire would be working with vampire hunters, but honestly, she didn't care either. I just told her it's a long story, and we left it at that. I'm not gonna report back to those guys anyway, so it doesn't matter anymore.

In turn, she didn't have much to tell about herself. All I know is that she's been locked away for hundreds of years, she's got an Elder Scroll for some reason, and she really needs to get home. Oh, and her name's Serana.

She's been sleeping in there for a long time, I can't even imagine how long. She was surprised to hear about Cyrodiil being the seat of an empire, so she's been there longer than that… Since the second era? Maybe even the first? And on the topic of her being a little child too… Is that a thing vampires do? Do they like turning children into vampires? I guess it's a viable tactic to convert them when they are young and helpless to make them dependent on you. Smart. Maybe that's what the vampires who kidnapped me were planning for me too? It still doesn't quite explain why they locked me away and abandoned me though.

On the topic of the Elder Scroll… I've heard stories, but I never even believed they existed. All I know is that they're immensely powerful relics and can see into the future or something, probably even more than that. She's a little secretive about everything but insists that she needs help and won't stop following me. Maybe she'll tell me later? I don't know. She seems to trust me at least somewhat, and she needs someone to rely on I guess. She's a capable mage, so I don't mind. She's no trouble at all.

Her home is located on some island, in some ancient castle off the northern coasts of Haafingar, actually pretty close to the border with High Rock. That's a long way home for her, but she really needs to get there as soon as possible, so I feel compelled to help. Besides, if she's friendly… Maybe I can find more of her kind there as well? Having friendly vampires as allies could be advantageous for me.

We had to fight our way through Draugr to make it out, and they continued to be just as powerful as before. There were some skeletons too, the kind that just wouldn't stay dead even after you smashed them into bits. Three of us had no trouble, fortunately. Serana's magic also seems to work on keeping the skeletons dead, which is just fantastic.

We're currently in Dawnstar, and we're so tired. It's been such a long day. Sun was already up by the time we made it out from the crypt, and I was just so ready to collapse on a bed. We'll probably take a boat to Solitude and travel the coast towards the west during the night.

Heartfire, 28th, 4E 201

If I ever had an opportunity to be cured of my vampirism, that opportunity has probably slipped past my fingers for good.

Serana brought me to her castle, where I came to learn more about who she is and who she's aligned with. Her father is someone called Lord Harkon. He's the leader of Clan Volkihar, which just so happens to be one of the most powerful vampire clans in all of Tamriel, certainly the oldest and most powerful one in Skyrim. He was pleased about me helping Serana and bringing her to him after roughly a thousand years. In his own words, there's only one thing equal in value to his daughter and the Elder Scroll which he can offer me, and that is his blood. He compared my state of vampirism to a mere disease and basically gave me an offer to become a true vampire, an offer I felt like I couldn't refuse…

There are many different kinds of vampires, and it's all dependent on the bloodline and the family. I knew this already, but I had no idea exactly how big of a difference there could be. Harkon's blood is very potent, as he didn't get his gift through a passing disease but rather as a gift from Molag Bal himself. This same royal vampiric blood has been gifted to me, and with it came a whole host of new powers. I'm not sure if I like one of these powers too much, which gives me the ability to turn into this … monster. Harkon calls it "The Vampire Lord", and while I see some perks to turning into such a creature, that form relies heavily on the use of magic, which is something I'm not too good at. If I'm gonna grow in power, I'd rather focus my growth in abilities I feel more comfortable with; abilities that allow me to stay in my own, normal form.

Overall, even though I feel like I have thrown away my past along with any shred of humanity I once had, I feel great.

It's all so ironic, isn't it? Just a week ago I was still determined to seek a cure, but now that I've gone down this path, there's no turning back. For me, allying with these people means walking this path forever and giving up any hope of ever finding a cure. In all honesty though, there are a lot of perks. In addition to power and strength, this might just be what I've been looking for; vampires that I can call my friends, vampires that understand me, and vampires that are willing to help me, if I'm willing to help them. In that sense, I feel like I've done the right thing.

I still feel like the same person though, so I don't know… It would be interesting to meet someone from the days when I was just another playful little girl growing up in a small town and ask them if I'm now a different person in their eyes, but nobody from those days have lived to see this day.

Oh, but what kind of place is this really? Oh boy, there's a lot to go through, but to put it in one word, I'd say grim. An evil aura permeates throughout this whole place, and the atmosphere is much darker than what you'll come across even in the Sanctuary of the Dark Brotherhood.

Castle Volkihar is surrounded by freezing cold waters of the Sea of Ghosts, and even though the ocean waves make sure that parts of it remain unfrozen, the island itself is covered in a thick layer of ice and snow throughout the year. Even in the warmest summer months, the temperature rarely creeps above freezing. The castle itself is old and huge, so huge in fact that it's partially fallen into disrepair. This is by design though, as it's too damn big for the needs of this one clan. This place is fit for a king! It's really pretty on the inside too.

In addition to Harkon, its gentlemanly and refined leader, there are a lot of different personalities under this roof, the first of whom I met goes by the name Ragral the Thrallmaster. That basically means that he keeps an inventory of thralls and cattle that serve their masters and mistresses. He wasn't too interested in conversing with me, and pretty much the only word he exchanged with me was to not cross him or kill any of the thralls. Feeding on them is permitted though.

These thralls, cattle, slaves, whatever you call them, serve many different purposes, and they outnumber us vampires in this castle four to one or something like that, not that it does them any good. There are both men and women, young and strong adults mostly, even really young ones like me, and some of them only are here for feeding. The strongest of them have been brainwashed into soldiers, while the young, physically incapable ones, like farmhands and such, only serve as a source of blood. I even came across a young little girl in chains being raped by a vampire, so there really are many ways these cattle can be "enjoyed".

Most of the people here didn't care too much about talking with me, as many simply saw me as inferior to them, but I got to talk to some people who were more than happy to welcome me to the court. Vingalmo the Altmer and Orthjolf the Nord are the second and third most powerful vampires in this castle respectively, although which of them ranks higher depends on which one you ask. They're rivals not only to each other, but also to Harkon, and they both want to assume the mantle of leadership. They're also very influential and both have quite a lot of subordinates who are loyal to them first, even before Harkon. They both wanted to gain me as their ally against their political opposition, but I don't think that's a good idea. I'd rather stay on good terms with Harkon.

Most here don't care about politics though, like Fura, for example. A gorgeous woman, by the way, but also very blunt. She says she only cares about killing and violence and serves Harkon loyally. The same can be said about Namasur, a handsome, rugged young rogue. He said he likes preying on pretty young women and asked if I was really "that interested". I didn't even realize it initially, but he was the one who I saw raping that little girl… And wouldn't you know it, he noticed me too. I was honestly scared of even replying to him suggesting he could do something like that to me, so I simply walked away quietly.

Speaking of handsome men, Garan Sarethi is just that: he's young-looking and handsome and serves Harkon as his primary advisor. He's intelligent, powerful, and important, amongst the most ancient vampires in this castle. Feran Sadri is the same and seemed like a super friendly and funny guy to the boot. Ronthil is his assistant and the second newest addition to the court. After me, of course. He's already been here for ten years though, which kind of puts the time to scale here. All these three were really nice and welcoming.

Then there's Hestla, who not only used to be part of the Companions, but also has some history with the mighty Skyforge. She used to train with its current owner, Eorlund, when they were both still kids, which makes her kinda old. Or is she actually still young for a vampire? She didn't tell me how she joined the Volkihar Clan, but considering that she's got an appearance of a young teen, it must've been when she was still quite an inexperienced companion. She's the resident blacksmith, which she claims to be the best at in this castle. I believe her, and most importantly, I think we can get along well.

Lastly, there's of course Serana, who was very happy with me helping her get back home. We talked for a while, but she still seems to be holding some secrets from me. For example, she hasn't said a peep about that whole Elder Scroll or why Harkon wanted it back so much. I mean, it DOES make sense for a father to want to reunite with his daughter, but he seemed more excited about being reunited with the Elder Scroll. Still, Serana assures that I shouldn't worry about it and will know everything eventually, but she says she just needs time to piece her thoughts together. I can sympathize with her, considering she's been asleep for roughly a millennia.

I won't be staying here personally though. Me and Sofia got some adventures to attend to. Fortunately, this is fine by my new allies here.

Harkon sees me as someone he can trust, so he promised to contact me once he has a task for me. He also promised that something grand's afoot. Whatever this is, remains to be seen.

• 4th Journal - Degeneration