JoS/Henriette/20th Journal - Trials

Sun's Dusk, 5th, 4E 202

The first part of Kyne's Sacred Trials happened in the woods north of Falkreath, south of Lake Ilinalta. The guardian wolf I was sent to defeat was nothing short of a disappointment. I may have already outgrown this trial, but at the same time, it feels like I should see this to the end anyway. Who knows what awaits at the end of it?

I also came across a rather nasty sight in the woods. There's a shrine devoted to Talos here, and at its foot laid six corpses. It had been done by the Thalmor. How do I know this? Because there was also a dead Thamlor soldier here too. His name was Sanyon, as revealed by an angry letter on his body from Elenwen, who refused to assist him in taking care of this "band of criminals" they call worshipers.

Now look, I don't care about Talos or the divines, but to try to hunt and weed out worshippers like this seems rather excessive. The Thalmor really are something else… The scene was fresh, and there was plenty of blood left for me to feast on. Didn't have to worry about getting my hands dirty. I don't have to worry about traveling with an empty stomach now.

Sun's Dusk, 7th, 4E 202

It seems that today the hunter became the hunted… I'm not "only" talking about myself. I'll get to that later though.

The second part of my trial was a giant skeever whose lair is somewhere south of Dawnstar, and on the way there, I came across a fight between some vampires and Vigilants. Not sure what clan these guys were from, but they got the better of these Vigilants, at least. They let one of them live, the young female Bosmer, and they violated her. I saw no reason to intervene though… I wonder if I did the right thing by ignoring them?

I, also, was attacked, as I alluded to earlier. These guys were dressed as Imperial soldiers, but I could smell something fishy about them… They were trying to extort money from me like some common bandits, which was highly suspicious for starters. I suspected that I could take them on because there were just three of them, and they didn't seem like the most well-trained soldiers. I turned myself invisible and let them try and find me. They split to look for me, probably thinking they could easily take me one-on-one, but that was a mistake on their part. Taking them out was really, really easy.

It kind of makes me a little anxious though… What if they were for real? Am I in trouble for killing the Empire's soldiers? Will I ever even be found out if they were for real? Ah, whatever, I'm probably worried for nothing. There's no way those guys could actually be affiliated with the Legion.

Then, I actually faced the skeever, which proved to be a foe more formidable than the wolf I fought the other day; not because it was capable of endangering my own life, but because it was nimble and hard to hit. Never underestimate any foe, I suppose.

I'm going to pay my dues to Sithis and rest in the Sanctuary for the day.

Sun's Dusk, 7th, 4E 202

I'm sure you remember this, my dearest diary, because you're a book and you hold a lot of text, but I had forgotten… People in this town have been having nightmares, and it happened to me too. Apparently, it has also hit many others in the Sanctuary, more so than in the past. It's not directly work-related to the Brotherhood, but since it does affect their work, it's in our best interest to deal with it. They're not sure where to start though, but I remembered hearing about some priest of Mara…

I went looking for him, and lucky for me, he's still in town.

His name is Erandur, and I must say, it's pretty strange that he hasn't gotten any help over the year this thing has been affecting the town on and off. He claims to know something about this… It has something to do with the Daedric Prince Vaermina… Kind of explains why he's having a hard time getting help! Normal people don't exactly like dealing with stuff like this for free! Anyway, since I'm not normal, I told him that I'd follow his clue. There's this old castle up the hill, with some temple hidden inside, and he wants us both to go there later. Might as well. I can deal with the third part of Kyne's Sacred trial later.

Sun's Dusk, 8th, 4E 202

Dear oh dear, this is WAY more than I bargained for. I should've been patient and brought some of my friends with me, or better yet, someone from the Brotherhood. Not to say that there's anything objectively wrong with how my ally here fights, he's alright… It's just that there really should be more of us. I probably should've bought Babette! Can she even fight? I'm not even sure what kind of weapons she uses! Maybe she's a spellcaster? Anyway, she would've loved collecting all the ingredients and potions this place has stocked away. Then again, since she's not here… They're all mine! There are some old, valuable books lying around too, and while I'm not that interested in them, Sissel and Serana both like reading, so I suppose I might take some for them along with me on the way out.

So first of all, Erandur used to be a worshipper of Vaermina himself, so he kind of lied to me there. No, that's not fair… He didn't lie; he just neglected to tell me all the details. I'm not sure why. Secondly, this place is almost like a time capsule of sorts, being frozen in time.

Some years after claiming this fortress as their own and building their temple inside, these worshippers used an artifact called the Skull of Corruption to torment some Orcs with nightmares similar to what the people of Dawnstar are experiencing. Erandur didn't tell me why, but there was some bad blood with a nearby stronghold, which by the way, no longer exists. Obviously, the Orcs were pissed, so they attacked, killing and raping, taking some of the worshippers as prisoners. They would've succeeded in destroying this shrine entirely if it wasn't for the cultists releasing some spell that put the entire place into sleep, worshippers included.

Now that their sleep has been disrupted, the fighting has started again. What's the worst part? We were seen as enemies by both parties. I've never been a fan of these kinds of fight environments as hiding can be a little difficult, and the corridors are so small too, and these foes are actually strong. These Orcs aren't just simple bandits, you see. They're real warriors! And these worshippers of Vaermina, strong too in their own right. I'm not good at dealing with mages that wield fire because of my weaknesses.

Well, no matter, we know how to stop the nightmares at the very least, but unfortunately for us, the Skull of Corruption is behind an impenetrable barrier that the worshippers set up to protect their precious artifact from the invaders. Erandur suspects that the way for us to move forward is by finding some kind of old potion that can be used in a ritual to do something called "Dreamstride". It allows the person consuming it to physically travel distances in their sleep, all while seeing "Dreams", or experiencing something that has happened in the past through the eyes of the other. It sounds super trippy, and I'm not sure if I even explained it right, but it's the only way forward, so we'll go along with it. It should be safe.

Meanwhile, I finished surveying the castle just a moment ago and making sure there were no more invaders or cultists left. Damn near got raped after I was ambushed by an Orc from behind. Thankfully, I've gotten better… Had this happened in the past, he would've gotten the better of me for sure.

We're going to go forward with Erandur's plan soon. I really hope it works…

Sun's Dusk, 12th, 4E 202

So, things didn't work out, didn't end up quite as we predicted. For what it's worth though, the nightmares are over, but you can't call this a victory.

After I drank the potion, I was sent back in time, like I was told. I experienced what happened in the past, and, well… Ain't nothing I would like to add to that. Then, I woke up inside the barrier as we had planned. Now, all that was left for me to do was to deactivate the barrier, a task that, for all intents and purposes, should've been really easy. However, Erandur never got to explain how to do it.

Invaders trapped inside the barrier had woken up as well. There were four in total, and they ambushed me as Erandur was helpless to prevent it from happening because of this impregnable barrier between us. These Orcs recognized Erandur as one of the worshippers and told him they had killed all the others inside, including Erandur's friends Veren and Thorek. In response, Erandur explained what was going on, how years had actually passed since that fateful day, and how he no longer served Vaermina. He explained how he had come here to actually destroy the Skull, not to cause any more trouble, and said that the Orcs should just let him do it because their interest aligned perfectly. The Orcs believed him, but considering that we had killed many of their allies on our way down here, they weren't willing to agree to being allies. And, well… When they put it that way, I can definitely agree with them… I would've been highly fucking distrusting of Erandur if I were in their shoes…

Speaking of being suspicious, the way these Orcs saw it, I was in cahoots with the worshippers, but no amount of convincing from me saying that I have nothing to do with Vaermina helped; they wanted to turn me into a hostage regardless. They took all my stuff, robbed me of everything, and stripped me naked. They tied me up, gagged me to stop me from speaking, and they chained me with a collar too. They did all of this in front of Erandur, who kept pleading with them to spare me. At this point, there was nothing more I could do. I couldn't even use my fangs or voice being gagged up, so all I could do was really watch and wait.

They first told Erandur to not even think about running away and abandoning them before telling them how to get out from inside the barrier. Otherwise, things would get bloody, and Erandur wouldn't want that in his conscience, right? Well, I guess he didn't, because, after all, here I am, still writing…

Then, they took me to the quarters deep within the temple, where they tied up to the wall. I was constantly just anticipating them to torment me, to rape me - and honestly scared for my life - but lucky for me, it seemed like they were interested in at least hearing Erandur out. They debated whether they should let Erandur destroy the Skull or just kill him and discussed what to do with me. They first tried if they could destroy the Skull on their own, but it proved to be impossible for them, meaning that they needed Erandur alive. They couldn't figure out how to disable the barrier either, and Erandur hadn't told me how to do it yet either, meaning I couldn't help them. In the end, they decided to give Erandur an ultimatum. The Orcs would be willing to let him go and spare him, but only if he would disable the barrier, destroy the Skull, and worst of all, sacrifice me. Since that's what Erandur had come here to do, and since we'd only met a few days ago, it was an easy decision for him to make.

So, he was let go after the Skull of Corruption had been destroyed, and the Orcs had been freed. And me? I became a prisoner for Orcs, so that's where the story between Erandur and me ends. I don't know what happened to him afterward, and I'm not even sure if I care… Like, I am cross at him for abandoning me, but did he really have any other choice? I guess he could've just walked away or even tried to get back up, but if the Orcs were to be believed, they would've killed me… So, in that sense, Erandur kind of saved my life… Although, at the same time, he doesn't know what those Orcs will do to me now…

I don't know, should I be angry at Erandur or not? Would I have done the same thing if the roles were reversed? If it was my friends at stake, I would've tried to save them somehow, but a relative stranger or a temporary ally, I'm not so sure… There's still also a chance he might come to help or save me later, but that hasn't happened yet, even though he must've gotten plenty of ample opportunities to get the law enforcement involved in trying to save me…

Now that I've thought of it more, I think I'm mad at him, even though I can't blame him either… It's just… He should've fucking done better… I guess you could say I'm disappointed in him…

Anyway, considering that these four Orcs are the only thing that remains of their old tribe, I thought they'd have nowhere to return to, but they have friends. Apparently, they're close allies with the Orcs of Largashbur. They asked me if I happened to know if that place still existed, and after weighing my options for a while, I thought it was in my best interest to be honest with them. I nodded, explaining that the tribe was still alive and kicking, and so, that's where they took me.

So, Largashbur is a stronghold southwest of Riften, a place I've been to in the past. I've made some friends here, but I've also made some enemies. Rather, one big enemy that wanted to get his comeuppance against me.

Yamarz, the Chief I had "wronged" in the past, couldn't believe his eyes when he saw these Orcs that were long thought to be dead, and he couldn't believe I was their prisoner. His confusion quickly turned into anger, and that anger was directed at me. He had apparently gone to that cave back when he was challenged, no, ORDERED by Malacath to go and kill that giant, but I never came for his help, even though he demanded help from me. Well, I still refuse to apologize for not helping him, because let's be honest, it wasn't my fight. Still, Yamarz sees things differently. He talked about how he had to do all the work himself, about how I had a steep price to pay for betraying his trust. He said that he'd gladly offer these four Orcs a place to stay and that they're welcome in his stronghold, but that he also wanted a payment, and that payment was me.

So, yeah, I've been here as a prisoner ever since. And Yamarz? Well, he had a plan ready for me.

Since the Orcs hadn't violated me in any way, I was meant to be pickings for Yamarz. As soon as he got me by the master's end of the chain, he took me to his longhouse, straight to his private quarters, and chained me to his bed. I was already naked, so all he had to do was get rid of his own armor. Forced to be on my fours, he first just fingered me and slapped my butt around, calling me a cheap sack of meat. Soon after getting me ready for insertion, he violated me from behind.

He wanted to humiliate me, and he did it by insisting he wasn't even remotely attracted to me, a "half-breed", as he described me. It was all about just dominance and degradation to him, and even though his grunts of pleasure can't be denied when he boned me, I wholeheartedly believe it wasn't about attraction. Honestly, it made the whole thing just worse, and I responded to him in kind, insulting his manhood and abilities, to which he responded by pulling a cloth over my mouth and tying it tight. I couldn't utter a word after that, not with it pulling my cheeks back painfully.

If there's one solace in the whole thing, it's that he came before I did, and I think he must've felt a little insulted by that… After all, I did insult his abilities and said he could never make me feel pleasure… However, Orcs regenerate fast; their bodies are robust and vigorous, and they can stay hard for hours if need be. I guess it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, considering that the alpha males in Orcish societies have the privilege of impregnating all the Orcish women… So they need those dicks loaded and cocked at all times. It meant I wasn't getting off easy either.

During his second round, when he eventually made me orgasm as well, he said he knew a cheap slut like myself wouldn't be able to resist a cock, not even during rape. He continued by threatening to rape me every day, every night, every morning, and every evening until my spirit breaks and I become completely subservient to his will. He said I'm going to bear his children too, and considering he has already finished inside me half a dozen times… That's actually my biggest fear here. Like, I can deal with being a prisoner as long as there's a way for me to escape, but what if I don't make it out in time? I can't just terminate this pregnancy on my own, not without any soul gems in my possession… He's not planning on lending any to me… So, this could be bad…

That first evening was the most tiresome, and he did do me during the night for a while as well, but after chaining me away to keep me out of his bedroom, he hasn't come for me. Yet. He has me chained on a little hut outside, by the way, and the reason for that is simple in his words: I'm his dog, so it only makes sense for me to sleep in a kennel.

They're really cautious about me escaping, by the way. Yamarz knows that I'm a capable adventurer, capable of causing a lot of trouble and ruckus if given a chance. I've sadly got nothing on me, no tools to speak of, so I can't pick the locks that keep me chained, not like it would even matter. This place is constantly being guarded for any possible outsiders. He also had one of those powerful collars that can not only alert him, but also shock me if I go too far away from him, so even if I did escape, getting away from him would be impossible. I'm not sure if it can be used to locate me… No, no way that's the case, but still, the range of the spell is narrow, so I wouldn't be able to get far away from here without my escape going unnoticed. If there's one positive here, it's that they have removed my gag for good now. Still, I can't reveal my weapons without a comprehensive plan.

What also worries me is that I could receive a letter from Solitude while I'm here. If I'm unable to answer my Imperial Master's summons, who knows how he might react… Who knows how he would punish me. Would he reveal my crimes to the world as an act of revenge for my disobedience, or would he go on a quest to try to capture me and enslave me for good?

Damn it, what a mess this is. If only my friends knew I'm here.

I'll play along. I have to. I don't know how I'll escape, or if I ever even will, but I'll wait for any opening or clue I might get.

Sun's Dusk, 19th, 4E 202

Has it really been a week already? I guess so…

So far, the situation has been pretty hopeless. I can't think of any way I could ever hope to escape from here, at least not on my own. That's not to say that I have given up though. I would never give up so easily. I have, however, acted complicit to everything. I've had to. Besides, I feel like there's one way for me to escape… I can't do it on my own though…

My stomach has grown quite a bit with his child. I don't think there's any way for me to get away from this in any way. The baby must be due soon… My second child is going to be born in the next couple of days.

Despite having me pregnant, Yamarz uses me every evening like clockwork, sometimes during the morning hours and even during the day, and I act as if I'm happy to serve my new master. Other Orcs here don't use me at all - as per the traditions of the Orc-stronghold where the Chief holds a monopoly over women - but I get to deal with them daily in other ways. Most look down at me either with scorn or indifference, but many here also pity me and have even said it to me in private, saying that I don't deserve to be in the position I'm in. Sadly, nobody has actually been able to help me or provide any assistance, apart from sneaking me food a few times.

Still, the big giveaway is that there's tension here, and there are still those who doubt Yamarz and his ways. One of them - the one that has snuck me some food - even said that Yamarz has gone crazy ever since he came back from that cave. He has changed and can't be trusted, but this lone Orc can't go against his chieftain alone. There's even doubt amongst the dissenters about whether or not Yamarz truly completed the task given to him by Malacath. After all, the Giants are still attacking this stronghold, almost as if these guys are still cursed. So far, almost everyone has brought Yamarz's explanation about it being just the revenge by giants, but that doesn't really sit right with me…

I'm also pretty sure that Yamarz is a liar. There's no way he could've taken down that Giant alone, right…? After all, he initially wanted my help, begged for my help… No, no way he has completed the task given to him.

All in all, there are definitely cracks within this stronghold caused by Yamarz's incompetence, and who knows when this saucepot of lies will ultimately boil over. I hope that's sooner rather than later because gods only know if there's ever going to be any other chance for me to get away from Yamarz. In my current state though, it's not going to happen. I'm going to at least wait until I've given birth and recovered a little…

Sun's Dusk, 25th, 4E 202

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy the other day. I have such mixed feelings about this… I never wanted this to happen again, I didn't want to bring another life to this world, not after the first… I had to abandon my firstborn, and I haven't even returned to that orphanage, so I don't know what came of him. This one though, I can't just abandon. I had to care for him, at least until I didn't anymore…

Yamarz came to me and forcefully took him away from me. He said that he knew I was going to birth a Breton and that this is why he would never accept him as his son. I mean, I can't help it! It's not my fault! I couldn't give birth to an Orc even if I wanted to, for crying out loud!

He's keeping my baby as a hostage to keep me in check. He says that the baby's going to die if I ever try to escape or disobey him. Those words hurt me, like they really hurt more than anything else in the world ever had. I cried, I begged him, and he then raped me again for hours, filled me with his sperm again. I couldn't even sleep after that, didn't sleep for the whole night. I just kept crying and bawling like mad.

The following morning, he said he could help me with not getting pregnant anymore because he didn't want to burden the tribe with any more ugly Breton bastards… I swear, I want to kill this fucker so bad, but I can't do even as much as take a wrong tone with me… My child has nothing to do with this, so for him to use him as leverage and threaten to take a helpless baby's life is just so low…

So if there's one takeaway from what I just wrote… I suppose that whatever chance there was for me to escape this place on my own has been taken away from me. There's no way I can just leave here and abandon my innocent baby to be butchered by that monster.

Sun's Dusk, 27th, 4E 202

There's one member of the tribe who I hadn't met since becoming their prisoner, and that was the woman who initially asked me for my help, Atub. I thought it might be because she had left the tribe or because she had died, but apparently, neither was the case. She has just simply been forbidden from speaking with me, but considering that I'm now under Yamarz's thumb properly and that she's the only one who can use soul gems to terminate pregnancies before they advance too far… She has been ordered to see me.

She came to me during the night and apologized deeply for what has happened to me, even though none of this is really her fault. It's not like their tribe to even keep slaves, never has been. The previous Chief was adamantly against it, and so was Yamarz initially, but now, he has gone mad with power. She knows I don't deserve this, not after everything I did to help this tribe lift its curse. In the end, I didn't end up doing that much of help for the tribe, but the way she sees it, there never was a need for me to offer further assistance anyway. I offered help for free when I had no reason to, and that was enough for her. She says that I did the right thing by letting Malacath's task fall solely on Yamarz's shoulders and that for me to be punished like this is unjust.

What's more, she agrees with me and some of the others. She knows that the club Yamarz brought back wasn't the one he was ordered to bring here. The task is still left to be completed. She just can't prove it.

The situation is exactly the same as it was the last time around. She begged me for help once more, this time not only for the sake of the tribe being led by an unqualified leader but also for my own sake, for my freedom's sake. She needed the same ingredients to commune with Malacath once more, but she or nobody else could leave the stronghold. I asked her, what of the child? What if something was to happen to my baby? She promised to do everything to protect his life from Yamarz.

I told her that I should have the ingredients at hand, but obviously, they've been confiscated. She told me that all of my belongings should be within the stronghold, locked inside some chest. Only Yamarz has the key for it though. She said that she would help me get away from my chains if I could somehow get the key from Yamarz. We might get only one chance at this, and I'll be damned if I screw this one up…

Sun's Dusk, 30th, 4E 202

Yamarz may be smart, but in all the wrong ways. He couldn't suspect me of anything after being such a good little slave for such a long time, but I did manage to sweep the stupid key from right under his stupid potato nose, all while sweet-talking and worshipping his dick… Then, as the night fell, it was time for Atub to hold her part of the deal and release me from my chains. The next step was probably the most dangerous part of this whole plan.

Naked and unarmed, still being slowed down by my collar, I had to sneak through the heavily guarded stronghold to find the chest with my belongings. I luckily found my little ingredient satchel pretty quickly and brought one Troll Fat and one Daedra Heart to Atub, who in turn was holding and shielding my child from any potential harm. At this point, Yamarz had been alerted of what was going on since I wasn't in my cell, but it was too late for him. Atub had summoned Malacath once more. There and then, the truth was revealed from the furious god for all the tribe to hear, and boy oh boy, was he fucking irate!

This time around, not even Yamarz could lie or weasel his way out from justice. This was his last chance, and everyone in the tribe agreed. He has proved himself to be an unfit leader in the eyes of the tribe, and if he ever wants to be forgiven by the tribe or Malacath, he needs to travel to Malacath's shire and kill the Giant he was tasked to kill a year ago.

So, he did. This time though, he took me with him forcefully.

After putting me on chains, he dragged me naked through the forest. He also had a bow with him along with some arrows, but he didn't trust me with them yet. Instead, he beat me up in the middle of nowhere, didn't even rape me. Like for fuck sake, he had still not learned his lesson. He kept reminding me over and over again that this is my fault, I did this, that he will make me feel his fury for years to come and that I'll never see the end of this. According to him, I'd be his slave forever.

He dragged me to our destination and then through the Fallowstone Cave, slaying every bear and troll we faced on the way. For a moment, it seemed almost as if he was proving himself capable of doing this, but then came time for us to fight the Giant at the end of the tunnel, at Malacath's shrine. He finally gave me my bow and spoke his last few sentences to me. "I want you to back me up. Shoot his leg. Injure him. Don't you dare miss your shot, or else I will turn this cave into your grave."

And so, he charged in. I took my arrow, I took aim, and I waited, and I watched… I had no intention of shooting the arrow at the giant, so instead, I had it pointed at him. I refused to take orders from this weakling anymore, so I decided to watch and wait to see the fight carry out, wait for him to maybe defeat the giant, and then kill him myself when he was tired and defenseless…

Instead, what happened was that he got hit by the giant's club on his enemy's first swing, which sent his body flying. Like, holy shit, I didn't think an adult man would be able to fly that fucking far! I have no idea where his body landed, but there's no way he could've survived a blow like that. If he didn't die instantly from being hit by a club, he died falling from such heights. I was set free, but I had one massive problem in front of me. The giant had its sights on me.

This was never supposed to be my fight. It was meant to be his and his alone. Yet, now that I was alone at the foot of this shrine, faced with an angry Giant who saw me as an invader to be defeated, it kind of became my fight. I could've just escaped, maybe… I'm not sure if I would've made it out alive had I turned my back at my enemy. In the end, the reason I stayed was because I didn't want the rest of the tribe to suffer from this man's foolishness any longer, especially not because of those there who were compassionate towards me, and those like Atub who even helped me get this far to begin with.

However, I had only eleven Orcish arrows on me, and I had to make them all count. Lucky for me, even though I had never taken down a Gaint before, I knew what I was dealing with and was adequately prepared.

The grove offered many hiding places for me to escape and hide from Giant, and since I was way faster than him, and probably a lot smarter too, he never managed to catch up to me. By the time I had shot nine of my arrows, he was on his last legs. I had two more left, out of which I aimed the first at his hamstring, intending to hit his head with the last… I succeeded with the first shot but failed the second. He was recovering on the ground, and I had no more arrows left. It must've looked to him like he won. He smiled greedily as he approached me slowly, probably ready to make me his meal, his prey, or maybe even his plaything… That's when I shouted at him, just like dragons do. I watched him be engulfed in a thick breath of icy mist, and I watched him be frozen solid by it.

The deed was done.

Malacath spoke to me, condemning Yamarz for one final time; for his weakness, for his cowardness, for his lies… For all things unjust. The last part of the mission fell on me as he ordered me to return the hammer to Largashbur, return it to the Orcs. If I were to do so, I would be rewarded by him. The only problem here is that the hammer is pretty damn heavy… I suppose I could just strap it onto my back somehow?

I'm still yet to leave this cave. It's still bright outside, so I might just sleep here. It's not like anyone else is coming here. I'm so tired, both mentally and physically… So I'll just enjoy my regained freedom in peace before I bring the hammer to Atub.

After that, who knows…? I think I'll return home for a few days. I guess I should be bringing my baby with me. It's probably going to be a little painful because that child will forever remind me of Yamarz. It's not like my innocent child is at fault for anything, but he's going to remind me of everything that scum did to me and the fact that I never even got my comeuppance. I could've shot Yamarz myself… I kind of regret that I didn't… Still, at the same time, if I did try to shoot him, I might've not had enough arrows to deal with the Giant…

Besides, it's not like I have the excuse of not being able to provide for a child anymore. I have a house, and I even have a loyal servant in Sissel who'd probably be glad to raise him when I'm not at home, but I don't know… I just don't… I still don't think I'm ready to raise a baby. Maybe this is just another burden on my long list of burdens to bear, one that I'll come to accept someday in the future.

Evening Star, 9th, 4E 202

When I returned to the tribe alone, some of the Orcs were obviously confused. While others realized what was going on, some were still expecting Yamarz to return victorious, and they blamed me. There were those amongst them who still saw me as someone who had committed crimes against the proud Orcs, those who quite frankly still viewed me as a slave, as inferior. They weren't willing to take my explanation about Yamarz failing. For a moment, it seemed like it was a mistake for me to come back here and try to reason with them. Only Atub and a few others were pleading with the fellow members of the stronghold, but turned out I had one final ally to vouch for me.

Malacath spoke, once again condemning Yamarz in front of his own people, saying that the fool deserved what was coming to him, for he couldn't come out of the fight victorious. Besides, since I had the hammer too… Who are these people to doubt me? Moreover, who are they to doubt their own god?

I placed the hammer on the altar as instructed, and in turn, Malacath rewarded me with a hammer of his own, Volendrung. It's not a weapon I would ever wield, nor is it a weapon I would be comfortable trusting with any of my friends or allies… So, it'll just be sitting at home unless I decide to sell it or something. It is, after all, the legendary Volendrung! It's worth a fortune! I wonder if Delvin would be able to find a buyer for it? Not sure if Malacath would approve… Then again, I don't exactly serve him, so what's he gonna do? Curse me?

After getting my reward, I walked up to Atub, who was holding my child. He was sleeping so peacefully, and she was looking at him so lovingly as well. She has taken care of him in my stead all this time, and I don't even know how to thank her enough for it. When she proceeded to hand him to me though, he started crying. It was strange, and I was a little hurt. I guess he doesn't really see me as his mother after all those days Atub cared for him? I said it to her, all while laughing and crying at the same time.

She asked me why I was crying, and I told her basically how I felt about this child, about feeling burdened by him and not feeling ready to raise him. That's when she suggested something surprising to me. "This might sound selfish of me to ask", she said, "but I want to adopt this child. I want to look after him." She admitted she wanted to leave the tribe for a while but felt she had a reason to be there, preventing her from abandoning her roots, but now that the curse has been lifted, she doesn't feel burdened anymore. She talked about moving to Riften, buying some cheap house from there, and raising this child there while figuring out what to do with her own life. I would, of course, be welcome to come to visit and see my child any day.

It was more than I could've ever asked for. I thanked her, and she thanked me in return. It was pretty touching for both of us… But it was getting time for me to leave already. As the final thing she said, Atub said she hopes I can one day forgive the tribe for the actions of Yamarz.

Ah, she worries for nothing. Some were complicit with Yamarz's actions and even enabled them, but in the end, what he did to me was because of him alone. Except, there we those four that kidnapped me and bought me to him in the first place… It would be a tragedy if something horrible were to happen to them…

I've been home for a few days now. My friends were worried for me, but I'm yet to explain what happened. I must've looked really hurt and sad to them or something… I simply said that I got into some trouble and needed time off, to which they said, that's alright, I can take my time. They'll wait for me and wait for the right time for me to tell about it.

I'm already starting to feel recovered and a lot better. I feel like I can't stay still for much longer. I'm still in the middle of those Kyne's trials too, and want to go on with it. I'll probably depart for an adventure this night.

Evening Star, 11th, 4E 202

I traveled the tundra west of Whiterun in search of the guardian mudcrab. Once again, I was surprised by the difficulty of the task at hand, as this foe was mightier than both the wolf and the skeever were. It was slow enough to not catch me and couldn't adequately dodge my shots either, but its shell was damn-near impregnable, meaning I had to aim for its weak spots. Besides, I knew if I were to get caught, I would've been split in two by its claws. Now though, since I had done what I was asked to do, I decided to visit Froki and have him tell me the next part of my trial.

I arrived at his shack a little after sunrise, and when I did, Froki was out hunting. Haming was home though, so we ended up having some fun. I offered to give him a blowjob to teach him a little more fun ways to have sex, and he thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course he did. We didn't get much time to do much else because his gramps was already getting home.

Froki told me about the next part of my trial. Now, I'm faced with some more fearsome beasts. Still, this is nothing that should be too much of a problem, at least judging by how the fourth trial went.

Along the northern shores, on slopes of the mountains and thick glaciers, southeast of Winterhold, I hunted down the guardian sabrecat. True enough, with each beast I hunt down, the challenge becomes a little bit harder. Although I must say, the real difficulty of this particular part of the trial probably is staying warm. Not a problem for me, as first of all, I'm a vampire, and secondly, I have this one ring that fortifies my resistance to cold to the extent that I'm nigh invincible to the feeling of cold and frost magic. In a way, you start to appreciate the biting cold and frost when it has no effect on your bare skin!

Next, I'll be killing a mammoth north of Whiterun, but I won't be leaving this place too soon.

I had to seek temporary refuge in a nearby cave as the sun was rising, which luckily was completely uninhabited… At least these days. There were skeletons of men and trolls here, not sure how old they are. There was also something rather exquisite here… An enchanted dagger, made from some strange material… It feels like it's bone or something. Perhaps it's a fang. I'm not sure, but it seems like an excellent weapon, and the spell it has on it is powerful. Whichever mage enchanted this must've been ridiculously skilled. I have been looking for a decent dagger for a long time, and this has my old Ebony stabber beat. I'll make it my companion alongside the Blade of Woe.

Evening Star, 14th, 4E 202

You know, I never actually thought about it before going on to face my fifth trial… I had never taken down a mammoth before! As has been the case with every single beast so far, I could not underestimate it. Sure, we're talking about a herbivore here, but those things are enormous and could squash me with one hit, and that's if their horns don't get to me first. They're also fast enough for me to be unable to outrun. Yes, I know it's unbelievable when you look at them, but elephants - wooly or not - can run insanely quickly! However, their size also makes them good target practice…

So, what I did was shoot it from further off I've ever shot before. I could use my voice to carry my arrows with leisure without the mammoth being able to do anything. It took me about forty arrows in total, but my prey never had a chance.

My next trial was a bear in the woods west of Falkreath, and although it's behind me already, I must say, this one was the toughest so far. It actually got to me, almost hit me too. Getting mauled by a bear would've been a disaster, but it probably wouldn't have killed me instantly… It would've probably killed me after having me grounded since I can't really imagine a bear raping me.

Well, no matter, it's time for me to get back to Froki once more.

Evening Star, 16th, 4E 202

And so, Froki sent me on my final trial, this time to a cave to kill a troll. This cave was a familiar one because coincidentally, it's the very same cave where that bandit went to dispose of that adventurer's corpse, the place where I picked up Froki's bow in the first place. How funny is that?

Anyway, trolls are only second to dragons as far as the fearsome beasts of Skyrim are considered, a fitting end to my trial. Trolls always offer unique problems for me with their regenerative abilities, and this wasn't an exception. You see, for the first time during these trials, I wasn't facing just one beast. For me to get to the guardian troll, I had a cave full of regular trolls to deal with, a task that alone was harder than any of the guardian beasts I had faced so far. My plan? Lure them out from hiding and burn them alive.

Lucky for me, trolls are very dumb. I lured three of them out from their little home. Outside, under the moonlight, I had an advantage against them. I took one of them down before they even knew where I was hitting them from, and I really only had to take one of them on face to face. I couldn't lure the guardian troll out from its hideout though, so I had to enter its lair to defeat it.

It was a long and difficult fight, one that I could actually see myself losing had I made any big mistakes. I resorted to using my voice, but sadly, my fire breath isn't very powerful. Still, it was enough to surprise it many times. Using arrows against it was hard, but luckily, I could rely a lot on my daggers too. In the end, it was the fang-shaped dagger I found the other day that I used to deal the death blow.

I have to apologize to those bandits for killing these trolls later…

I returned to Froki immediately after that, and although I must say that the reward he had for me isn't really anything special, I feel like I've gotten better. I'm probably already in Kyne's good graces even though I kind of am a rebellious little Dragonborn, but I could feel her watching over me proudly, at least on this fine day.

Finally, I returned home, but I won't be resting here for long. My friends are dying of boredom and have been looking forward to going on an adventure together.

• 21st Journal - The Eye