Talk:Vault 69/Orientation: Difference between revisions
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Created page with "Love it so far, your a really good writer and I can't wait for more. --~~~~" |
No edit summary |
||
| Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
Love it so far, your a really good writer and I can't wait for more. --[[User:IllegalMobster|IllegalMobster]] ([[User talk:IllegalMobster|talk]]) 20:13, 25 August 2019 (UTC) | Love it so far, your a really good writer and I can't wait for more. --[[User:IllegalMobster|IllegalMobster]] ([[User talk:IllegalMobster|talk]]) 20:13, 25 August 2019 (UTC) | ||
The edits to the part where the doctor is talking to the boy MC are awkward and needlessly clunky. You do not need to mention the mother again, and especially not her gun, while she's talking to him. It is irrelevant to the main point of what's going on with the MC and acts as a distracting unrelated thought. I would recommend adding a part where the doctor and mom talk with each other in order to show this part and remove it from the middle of the doctor talking to and about the MC. [[User:Jemini|Jemini]] ([[User talk:Jemini|talk]]) 14:14, 26 August 2019 (UTC) | |||
Revision as of 14:14, 26 August 2019
Love it so far, your a really good writer and I can't wait for more. --IllegalMobster (talk) 20:13, 25 August 2019 (UTC)
The edits to the part where the doctor is talking to the boy MC are awkward and needlessly clunky. You do not need to mention the mother again, and especially not her gun, while she's talking to him. It is irrelevant to the main point of what's going on with the MC and acts as a distracting unrelated thought. I would recommend adding a part where the doctor and mom talk with each other in order to show this part and remove it from the middle of the doctor talking to and about the MC. Jemini (talk) 14:14, 26 August 2019 (UTC)