Cindy Rella/Mrs Goldbags

Back in the kitchen, you find that Fanny has put clothes out for you all: Buttons' best uniform, the one with the shiny buttons all the way down the front; it used to be too big for her now she seems to have grown into it. Dick's uniform has trousers so tight that you can see the bulge of his cock and balls. "You'd better mind what you think about while you're wearing them," Fanny cackles. "We don't want anything bursting out do we?"

There's a pink dress for you, one you haven't seen for a few years. "I can't wear that," you say.

"Don't worry Cindy, I let it out a bit, and it's not as if you got any tits yet," Fanny says.

"It's not that… It's PINK!!!"

An hour later Dick is hiding in the kitchen and you're standing at the door with Buttons as the carriage pulls up. Nothing happens for a while and then you give Button a push. "Open the door," you hiss. Buttons goes out, opens the door and folds the step down. The Baron gets out first and you see that he's wearing the shiny suit that he normally only wears at funerals. Next out, is what looks like a walking pink blancmange. The Baron holds her hand and helps down the step and then guides her up the path towards you.

Behind the pink blancmange, two strange-looking creatures climb out of the carriage; one is tall and thin, with a beaky nose and blonde hair piled up on top of her head; the other is short and fat, with a doughy looking face, piggy eyes and short, black hair with sparkly stuff in it.

As they walk up the newly-weeded path you see Buttons standing behind them with her mouth open. You are frozen on the top step as your father introduces you. "Cindy," he says. "I want you to meet your new stepmother, Baroness Goldbags. The pink confection looks you up and down as if you're some kind of simpleton and sticks out a fat hand with multiple rings on every finger. Startled by the "stepmother", you hold your own hand out; hers feels like something you'd find on a fishmonger's slab.

She pushes past you into the entrance hall and the two girls get their turn to examine you. The tall thin one sticks out a bony hand. "I'm Labia," she says and barges past. The fat one introduces herself as "Clitoris", and your left standing in the doorway next to Buttons, totally unable to speak.

The coachman whistles and points to the back of the coach where luggage is piled high, so you fetch Dick to help Buttons to carry it in while you follow the little procession into the hall where Fanny has laid out tea and biscuits. The biscuit plate is empty in seconds and the Baron ignores the tea goes over to the cabinet pulls himself a stiff whiskey. The Baroness is right behind him and she finds a dusty bottle of gin left over from a couple of Christmases ago.

There are not that many rooms fit for use, so the two girls have to share. The Baron takes his new wife up to his room and, finally, you, Buttons and Dick escape to the kitchen. "Clitoris and Labia; whatever was she thinking," Buttons says, unable to suppress her mirth any longer. You shrug, more concerned about your father and how he seems to have lost his mind.

• Living with your stepsisters