JoS/Henriette/2nd Journal - Destined

Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 201

I packed my things last night and took the ride to Windhelm from there. A little detour, but there is one another person I want to thank tomorrow when I finally leave for Ivarstead. He gave me clothes and food in my time of need when he didn't even seem to have much to spare, so it's only fair I give something back to him. I'm not sure if I'll be returning to Riverwood anytime soon, so I offered everyone who helped me my gratitude for helping me in the time of need. They were a little worried of me, but I'll be fine, I'm sure of it. Sofia, of course, wanted to tag along with me. I'm not sure how far she's willing to follow me, but I don't mind her company at all. It's useful to have a friend fighting by my side.

Before we settled down in our rented room, we walked around the city and talked to folks around the Candlehearth Hall, and heard about all kinds of rumors. Something about Azura's shrine up in the mountains, something about some bandits holed up in some cave, not about much to be honest… But a story about a young boy trying to summon an assassin from the Dark Brotherhood stuck to my mind. His name is Aventus Aretino, and he lives here in Windhelm.

I have heard stories about the Dark Brotherhood, and they're all assassins and murderers. They've got long history with high-profile targets and assassinations, but the last I heard of them was from some news from Cyrodiil, about how they've been all but wiped out in the wake of the Great War. I guess they still exist in some form, huh? But why would a kid want to contact them? Well, curious as I were, I investigated. I decided to go alone and figured out exactly what the young boy wants.

The door to his apartment was locked and he wasn't answering. The streets were empty, so I simply broke into his house. When he saw me, he mistook me for the assassin he was intending to hire. I didn't say a word to him, and I just listened. He ran away from an orphanage in Riften. He has lost both his parents like me, but he's still very different from me. The best words I could find to describe him would perhaps be helpless, pitiful and dependent. He doesn't seem to be ready to take a step towards adulthood and being independent. Regardless, he wants the owner of the orphanage dead. She's an old woman who's known as "Grelod the Kind", and Aventus hates her for some reason.

After hearing his story, I told him that I'd help him, but I don't know if I can keep that promise… I don't want to murder an old woman, especially one who cares for children. But if what Aventus said is true about that woman, maybe she might deserve to die? I won't just take his word for it, but if I ever visit Riften, I'll make sure to pay a visit to the Honorhall Orphanage and see for myself what this Grelod is all about.

Heartfire, 4th, 4E 201

We have now made it safely to Ivarstead. My feet are sore from all the walking and tomorrow I'll probably be feeling even worse. I'm not used to this yet. We saw some great sights on the way, hunted some deer for a meal on the road, stayed clear of trouble. Some wolves and a wild boar tried to get the better of us, but they were no match. We also saw a troll, but we decided not to fight it. Luckily, it wasn't interested in us either. We may have improved a lot during this short period of time as an adventurer, but no way we can take down a beast like that. It would've probably eaten us alive. Tomorrow is the day we climb the 7000 steps and hopefully learn something about this gift I have.

Heartfire, 5th, 4E 201

There and back, now back in Ivarstead, still in one piece! Those old men sure were surprised when I walked in. Bet they weren't expecting a little girl! They probably haven't seen a female in a long time, period.

They were very respectful of me and wanted to help me grow and develop. In their words, I have a gift from gods, a power of the dragons bestowed upon me by Akatosh himself. They themselves don't see the Way of the Voice as a weapon, or as a tool for personal gain, but I, as a Dragonborn, exceed their own rules and standards, so they don't care about me using these powers how I want. Going there and training there made me feel very good and confident about myself. I suppose it wouldn't hurt learning from them a little, especially since they've taught me two new words of power already. I'm happy to accept any help and knowledge they offer me. If path to higher learning goes through meditation and focus, it's what I'm going to do as well. It's not like that's gonna stop me from being the kind of person I want to be.

They sent me on a "trial" to retrieve some old horn in a crypt called Ustengrav. Bleak Falls Barrow turned out to be too easy of a task to overcome, so I'm sure I'll pass whatever trial they have stored up for me. I needed a direction for my next journey anyway, so why not travel there next? It's really far away from here though. I could just take a carriage to Morthal which is nearby, but what's the fun in that? I'm gonna continue to travel by foot and see the world!

I still miss my mommy and daddy, and big bro too, and I'm still not happy about my current condition as a vampire either, but… At least I continue to live. I feel like I have a purpose now!

Heartfire, 6th, 4E 201

Initially we were planning on making it to Morthal today, but we were getting tired and the sun was already setting. Traveling during night is something I eventually have to get used to because of how week walking around in sun makes me feel, but I'm not sure how Sofia would feel about it. Besides, I'm not ready to take that step yet myself. Nights are more dangerous. Making a trade between feeling slightly weaker and inconvenienced and exposing myself to greater danger is not one I'm willing make so quickly.

The worst part of being in the dark is not being able to see anything, especially not things that are far away. If I can't see my enemy, how can I hit them with my arrows? I invested in a good sword and I'm getting better, but I just don't feel comfortable using it in actual fights yet. Yeah, there's so much to consider. I'll make the transition eventually. I've also heard that vampires can see better in the dark, but I don't know… Maybe it's a trained ability, or related to magic? Vampires got affinity with special kinds of magics too, so maybe it's something like that…

I had a torch, just one though. It was enough to guide us to Dawnstar, but it also caused us some trouble… Attracted some attention from Draugr who were wandering in the night. It's a little unusual of them to wander outside the tombs they're guarding. Me and Sofia managed to take them down even though we were outnumbered.

Part of the reason it got so late was because of us wasting time helping some strange man by the road. He was very, very cheerful, maybe a little creepy, dressed up like some court jester, talked about himself in third person. His name was Cicero and he was transporting a coffin somewhere, the body of her dead mother or something. A wheel on his wagon was broken though, and the man at the farm next door refused to help him. Don't know why, but I managed to convince him. Got some money from that clown for my troubles too, so I guess it was worth it. I guess clowns make a lot of money, huh?

Now we're safely at the inn and with a belly full of food. Time to sleep I guess… Tomorrow we'll make it to Morthal.

Heartfire, 7th, 4E 201

We ended up staying in Dawnstar for one day to replenish our supplies, talk to people, stare into the Sea of Ghosts, just relax. We slept in way too late. Bed was way too small for two girls to sleep in, so neither of us could get comfortable sleep. We had some strange nightmares too. Some priest of Mara was talking about it in the inn, but we have no time or interest in helping him. We'll depart early tomorrow for sure! I wish I had more to tell… This is kind of a boring place, and there's not much to do.

Oh, and on the topic of supplies… We're already starting to run a little low on gold, and me and Sofia had a rather revealing discussion about how to make it.

From the day we met I always felt like she's had her stuff well together, even though she herself admits to being a bit of a problem child, with her having trouble with finding suitable work and her difficulties with the College from where she was forced to quit. Making money's always been a big issue for her, which is one of the biggest reasons she wanted to travel with me to begin with. It wasn't so much about taking advantage of me or anything like that, but rather to just help me and get help in the process. It would be extremely likely that we both would fare really badly alone. No doubt, I would at least.

So, one of the ways she's been making money is through prostitution. It shocked me a little, because she doesn't really seem like the type, but she said that she doesn't do it because she wants to or anything. It's just that the money can be really good. She said that she's still a virgin though, never having been penetrated before, and that she's only ever given blowjobs. Even oral sex for a while though can give her a meal and a bed for a night.

The reason why she was telling me this was to ask if I was interested myself, and also to ask if I think of her as less. The answer to both is "no". No, I would rather not resort to prostituting myself for money, but I also understand her circumstances so I'm not gonna judge her for choosing differently. Our pockets are not completely empty yet, so we don't feel pressure today anyway… It's just something to think about…

On the topic of her parents and why she can't rely on them… She was actually born and raised in Winterhold, worked the inn there, but not by her parents. She has no idea who they were; she was just dropped at the foot of the inn on some summer night and abandoned.

In closing, I really hope we can actually find some valuables from Ustengrav, as the idea of having to resort to physical labor or even prostitution doesn't sound too appealing.

There was also a little issue of me being a little starved for blood. I haven't exactly had a good chance to feed on anyone. I don't feel too comfortable just butchering a random adventurer on the road for no reason, although I realize that it's something I might have to do one day to survive. Sofia let me sink my teeth into her, just for this once. It was the first time I've ever done it to her, and hopefully the last as well. She said she lets me do it, but I know I can't rely on her too much.

Biting a neck of someone who's awake nothing like feeding on someone who's asleep or even already dead. I could actually feel her react to what I did to her. It seemed like it hurt her, but she didn't even make a sound. Looking at her face close up it almost seemed like it felt good for her, but surely that wouldn't be a case? I was so hungry it was hard to control myself and I grabbed her pretty hard with my hands, but I tried to be careful at very least.

We both embraced tightly after the fact, and I thanked her dearly. She thanked me too, saying it's a good thing she's found a real friend to travel with. I'm thankful for her being on my side as well.

Now, she's sleeping like a little baby. I should get some rest too.

Heartfire, 8th, 4E 201

What a mess this excavation was, but at least we're both in one piece! We're still resting inside Ustengrav, but we'll be leaving soon enough.

There were bandits outside. Me and Sofia were discovered quickly, but that was no problem for us. Then, there were five more bandits inside. I managed to kill them all before they saw us. I'm really proud of myself for that one since they were all one hit kills. Then, we found the undead. Again, no problem. Things were going a little too well!

Well, some of these damn Draugr just won't stay dead! Nothing like this has happened before. Was it just dumb luck? At least I wasn't even aware of their capabilities to do so, but I sure do know now! Maybe some kind of special weaponry would help me? Silver? Or maybe magic? It would feel weird wielding a silver weapon considering that I'm technically undead myself. Sofia's fiery bolts she conjures up sometimes seem to make stay down permanently.

And would you believe it, they got me off guard, and they tried to rape me! I can't even imagine being raped by walking dead! Disgusting! It's a damn good thing there were two of us there, because I wouldn't have been able to fend them off unassisted.

Then the fire traps, and the damned spiders. I've been burned before by a hot stove and I'm sure you can tell exactly what it feels, but by the divines, I've never been so hurt by anything in my life. Sofia was way more okay with the flames than I was, saying that while they hurt, it's not painful or something as long as she doesn't touch them directly. I hate being a vampire so much.

And here's the kicker, the reason why I'm not just upset, but angry! The horn I was sent to retrieve wasn't inside the crypt! Instead, there was just a note. Someone's looking for me, and that someone is waiting for me in Riverwood. How did that person know I was looking for the horn is beyond me. Perhaps this is Greybeards' doing too? Well no matter, I have only one clue left and no choice but to follow it.

But boy oh boy, this little adventure left its toll on me. Don't know why, but I ended up getting a little horny too. Not sure what caused it, but will I dare just let myself settle down, or should I do something about it?

Truth be told, I haven't really touched myself since being forced out of my home in Helgen. First, I was busy, then I was struck by sadness, and after that damned Argonian raped me… Damn it, I'm still reminded by it… I still can't believe my first time was stolen by a bandit… I used to experiment a lot at home even when I wasn't really that excited, but now that I am feeling it, I just don't know what kind of emotions masturbating would make me feel…

Ahh, I should probably relieve myself anyway… I mean, I'm not depressed about my virginity being stolen or anything, I'll get over it… I just don't want to be reminded of it too much…

Heartfire, 8th, 4E 201

When me and Sofia got to Morthal, I kind of noticed that she too was a little heated up, and she had probably noticed my condition too. She admitted being into me a little, finding me attractive or something. I've never even had a boy tell me such a thing, and it made my heart race like crazy. It was the first time anyone has ever said they find me attractive, and it just happens to be a girl, and my only real friend in this world. I didn't even think I would be into girls, but I guess Sofia is kind of cute. Never personally seen her as sexually desirable though, but we ended up experimenting together anyway. Maybe it was for the better, because at least being touched by her could help me get distracted from my own bad memories.

It was pretty amazing, I'm not gonna lie. It was the first time I've ever felt loved like that. I suppose it wouldn't hurt experimenting some more in the future? Not sure if I want to do it with Sofia again though… I don't want our friendship to suffer at the result of this. Maybe our friendship has already turned into something else because of this… I don't want to see her as a lover, no matter how good it felt…

Heartfire, 9th, 4E 201

I made it back to Riverwood late in the evening and rented the attic room as instructed in the letter that was in the tomb in horn's place. Well, turned out, it was the innkeeper Delphine who had taken the horn from right under my nose. Was she there with me, or was she just ahead of me? She gave me the horn pretty much right away, which was good news for me. She also wanted to talk, so I thought I'd at least hear her out.

Well, she didn't have much to tell me… Or rather, she was probably not willing to tell me some parts. She said that she's been looking for someone like me, a Dragonborn, but she didn't believe I'm one. It sounded to me like she was the one making demands, which I do not believe she's in the position to make considering that she was the one who was looking for me in the first place. Like, is she dumb? It sounds so counterproductive. Why go through the trouble of retrieving the horn yourself if you don't even believe that the person you're looking for really is who you're looking for? Her attitude was kind of pissing me off, so I tried to demonstrate my powers by actually using my voice. Even that didn't change her mind! What's wrong with her! I don't see any reason to work with her. If she truly needs me as much as she claims she does, she'll come crawling to me. If not, she can kiss my help goodbye as far as I'm concerned. I can't trust her if she can't trust me.

Besides, now I have the horn.

Me and Sofia decided to split up for the reminder of the day. We were initially planning on leaving to Whiterun tomorrow, but decided that we need to rest and have some time off. I'll be staying here for a while, while she visits Whiterun to do something. Quickly after splitting up, I met my good friend Gorr. He was happy to see me back, and I talked about how much stronger I've gotten. He seemed really proud of me. We ended up talking about our adventures at length, and I… I kind of ended up falling for him a little I guess. I guess he saw this in me…

I ended up giving him a blowjob. He kind of lured me into it, I was hesitant at first, but at the same time, I was just so damn interested in trying it. I kind of wanted to see what a dick looks close-up too. I've peeked on some boys in Helgen, and then there was that bloody Argonian as well, but I've never actually seen a penis close-up before with my very own eyes, especially not an erect one. Dicks are kind of fascinating, aren't they? They don't smell anything like my own private parts either.

He kept calling me his little bitch, but he didn't say it like he was trying to offend me or anything. I guess he meant it as a compliment, or at least a good thing? He was a little rough at the end, maybe even scary… He came in my mouth and forced me to swallow everything too. It was bitter, not tasty in the least, but it made him so happy. Never have I seen such pleasure in man's face, not even on the face of my father who loved me so much. Makes me wonder… Was doing dirty things his intention with me all along? I… I think I like the idea of being desired… Makes me feel better about myself after everything I've gone through. Not too many people seem that interested in little kids though. Maybe being a little naughty isn't a bad thing at all. My parents would probably be against me doing anything dirty. My father especially told me to be careful around strangers, but since it's fun, what's the harm? I can be careful and still be a little naughty, right?

We'll start our journey to High Hrothgar tomorrow, but it'll probably take some time, and we'll probably need to rest in Ivarstead again. From there… Who knows what? I'm not interested in whatever Delphine has in store for me, so I guess I'll just find my own path?

Heartfire, 10th, 4E 201

I may not be quite a greybeard, or even want to be, but it seems like they are pleased enough with me to accept me into their little circle and help me grow in power. They formally recognize me as a Dragonborn now, and even taught me a new word of power. I can actually now shout at people with such force that I send them flying!

But this is merely a fraction of what I will become in the future. There's so much to the language of the Dragons, so many words of powers I could use to my advantage, and absorbing power from the Dragons will make me stronger too. I still don't know what my destiny is, but I want to grow. With Vampirism I have to pay with weaknesses for the strength it provides me, but being a Dragonborn comes without any drawbacks, so this unique talent I have, this gift, this weapon, it's the best tool I have to defend myself. I know I'm tiny, I know I'm weak, I can't even cast spells, but as long as I have the voice, I can grow in leaps and bounds.

And so, the road I must pave myself begins here. These old men want me to study and grow independently and they have no more tasks for me. They are willing to tell me locations of ancient power and where to locate them, but that's as far as they're willing to help me. The rest is up to me. So be it. I'm not sure if I want to make this my priority number one yet, but it does give my adventure a new meaning.

I also learned of a way to learn alternative meanings for the words of power I already know of, a handy tool to say at very least. I already knew words from four different shouts beforehand. Well, now I can also summon earthquakes and fireballs from the sky! They may be weak, but it's so crazy!

Well, I've been studying and meditating for a long time, so it's too late to return to the nearest inn. Sofia was actually allowed inside, so we'll just sleep here and plan our next adventure tomorrow morning.

• 3rd Journal - Friends and Enemies