Universe Remote/Ken

You are fairly brilliant, everyone tells you so. Or they would if you would actually talk to them. Although thinking about it honestly they might just call you a know it all jackass and leave. But that's really been the story for all of your life so why would you imagine it would change now? This might explain your lack of girlfriends up to this point, or it might be the fact that you always state that you prefer girls who are "a bit younger" than yourself. You never tell your few friends or family exactly how much younger you prefer the girls to be. You know that you'll likely be alone for the rest of your life, but it's not too bad. You're used to it by now. You can also take comfort in the fact that you're not a real sicko, you prefer girls who at least in their teens. Mostly.

You are a half owner of an electronics repair business that you started with your highschool Electronics Teacher, Oscar Clarkson. You've been running the shop together for 10 years now and you don't really see him much these days which is sad. The old man was a teacher for over 40 years and then put in another 9 coming into the store every day but he just hasn't been able to keep it up this year. The really depressing part is that the customers haven't been showing up as much this year either. Truth be told they've been pretty scarce for a few years now. Most of your work comes in the form of data recovery off of broken cell phones. Even then, your lack of a connection with any of the carriers means that don't really come to you first.

As you're sitting at the counter worrying about this month's rent on the shop the front bell ring. The door didn't open but there's a package sitting on the inside mat. Looking at it it's plain brown paper wrapped package about the size of a toaster.

Kenneth Frederick Jacobs
OK Electonics Repair,
210 Mayfield Plaza,
Lincoln California,
United States of America,
Planet Earth, Solar System,
Orion Spiral Arm, Milky Way Galaxy,
Local Group, Virgo Supercluster,
Universe #8183544321

That is a fairly specific address for not having a zip code. You aren't sure what's meant by the Universe number but the rest seems to be technically correct. It's a fair bit of effort for a prank, You Just can't figure out how they got the box inside without opening the door. There's no clue outside. The parking lot is not packed but it's still fairly busy. There's a wings joint on the corner, a gym next door, your shop, and then a supermarket. It's prime real estate. It's just that everything is so replaceable these days. No one wants to have anything repaired.

Back to the box. Since it's addressed to you, you might as well open it. Taking it to the front counter you unwrap it. Inside is a commercially wrapped package that simply states: Universe Remote with a picture of a simple remote on the front. The box is fairly light, it almost feels empty. Inside you find the remote pictured on the outside sitting in a cardboard spacer. Underneath is a massive book that has a plain white cover with the words: Universe Remote User's Manual on the front, and nothing else. The remote alone feels heavier than the box did with the remote inside let alone this manual. Looking at the box, the manual, and the spacer that the remote was sitting in, you think there's physically not enough room in the box to fit all of these items inside the way you found them.

Convinced that you fell asleep at the counter you open the front page of the manual and read a bit:

Welcome to the exciting world of universal control. In the following pages, we will introduce you to the exciting world of controlling your universe with the exciting Universe Remote. The Universe Remote is an exciting step forward in technology. It will allow you to alter your environment in any way imaginable.

You've read some hum-dingers before but this reads like the marketing team had full control over the manual and are still trying to convince themselves that it was a good product.

What are you going to do

• Try pressing buttons randomly
• Read more of the Manual
• Put it away for later