JoS/Henriette/3rd Journal - Friends and Enemies

Heartfire, 12th, 4E 201

My dearest, sweetest diary, today I learned that guards are dicks. First thing I heard after climbing the mountain down back to Ivarstead was one of them called me a whore for absolutely no reason. What gives?

Anyway, at the inn I talked about rumors and such, trying to find inspiration for my next journey, and I learned about a group called Dawnguard. They're vampire hunters or something. I may be a vampire myself, but that does not mean that I'm aligned to any vampire clan or a coven. No, I want to get myself healed, I want to be normal again, and I want to get revenge on vampires for doing this to me. Dawnguard's interests partially align with mine, but I wonder, would they ever accept me as one of them? Would they be willing to help me, or even be willing to accept help from me? It's very risky to approach them, especially if I try to hide my nature from them… Then again, they might be my best clue yet at trying to find out a cure.

This may be stupid, but I think I'm going to take a chance with them. I'll be passing through Riften which is relatively close by.

That reminds me… There was this boy who wanted the owner of the orphanage dead. I suppose I might as well finally go see what this Grelod the Kind is really all about.

Heartfire, 13th, 4E 201

Before we even managed to make my way into the city, guards tried to extort money from us with some visitor's tax. Look, I'm a dumb, inexperienced and gullible little lady, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for something like that, and neither is Sofia. I called them out and they let us in for free. From there we decided to split up for a while.

For a relatively small city, Riften feels pretty packed and lively. I couldn't walk ten steps without someone wanting to converse with me. I didn't care for most of it, but when I made it to the marketplace, there was this handsome man talking to me. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying at first, because I was just so focused on how hot he was. He talked me into some scheme of stealing a ring and planting it into some merchant's pocket. It sounded like kind of a fun prank and I wanted to get on his good side, so I played along. I succeeded, didn't get caught, and he even paid me. Job masterfully done, if I may say so myself. I didn't expect the fallout that was about to go down though.

First I thought we were just committing a practical prank, but the guards actually went on to arrest the man I framed, and wouldn't you know it, he got arrested and throw into jail. I guess I was committing a crime…? I asked Brynjolf about it, and he just smiled and said that he thought he made it clear. Was I not listening? I guess not. He'll be freed in couple of weeks probably because this crime was a petty one, so… Could've been worse.

The man showed interest in me, wanting to recruit me or something. He introduced himself as Brynjolf, which is a name I'm sure to remember very well from now on. I know that Thieves Guild has a presence in this town, so could this be it? Is this handsome hunk their leader or something? I have to think long and hard about how to go about this. I now know where to find them, but I'll save that for later. I don't know what they can offer me in return. I guess if I really have a talent for it, I could make some extra money… It's easy to get wealthy through crime, but I'm not sure if the risk is worth it. One wrong move and you end up having to pay to the guards, maybe even get arrested and jailed. Still, the money's good, like I said… So maybe!

I now want to write about why I came to this poor, crime-ridden town in the first place: Honorhall Orphanage.

I honestly was expecting Aventus's story about Grelod to be just a gross exaggeration, but everything he said is true. Everyone here backs up the accusations about Grelod being a horrible headmistress, even the kind lady who also works here says so. These children are malnourished, they get beatings too… Their bodies and bruises prove everything. One said that he's sure Grelod will eventually get one of them killed. It made so mad. All I could see was red, and my literal vampiric bloodlust wasn't helping.

I've calmed down now. I'm waiting until after midnight. I'll make my move then. I shouldn't probably pray to the nine for help me commit murder, but gods please, help me get through this… It's for those poor children…

Heartfire, 14th, 4E 201

I did it, I actually did it. I waited for Riften to quiet down, I made sure to not be seen. I snuck into the orphanage quietly and made it to her room, where I found her sitting next to the table, reading a book.

Then, I grabbed her mouth and pulled her towards myself. I stabbed her heart and slit her neck wide open.

My heart has never beaten so fast, my breath was so heavy, and the smile on my face… I probably sounded like I was about to burst out crying, but I honestly felt like laughing. She fell down to a floor with a loud thud, blood gushing out from the open wounds… Blood on the table, on the walls, pooled on the floor, splashed on my face, on my hand, my dagger… So much tasty blood…! I couldn't help myself in the moment, so I sat down when she fell towards me, and I bit into her neck, trying to suck as much of her blood as I could. I had to. It was fresh, and I couldn't let it go cold and to waste.

It felt like an eternity, I was in trance, and it felt amazing. Cathartic pleasure flushed through my body… I've never been so wet before…

I'm not even sure if I made it out without being seen, not that those children would dare to rat me out. I ran away, out from the sight, and I curled up into a little ball somewhere quiet, licking my hands clean from the woman's blood, trying to contain myself and to stop myself from hyperventilating and smiling like a crazy person.

What have I done? Oh gods, what have I done? I killed that woman, and felt good about it.

Heartfire, 14th, 4E 201

I now look back at what I wrote last night, and I have thought about it a lot. I never knew I had it in me, or that I would enjoy doing something like that, but I did enjoy it, I think. I know what I did was immoral, horrible and dangerous, but… I feel no guilt, no remorse. That filthy hag had it coming. Gave me a decent meal too.

I stayed a night in Riften. Guards haven't come for me yet. I'm really, really afraid that someone might've caught me. Or, if not catch me in the act, maybe someone could easily connect the dots and suspect me, perhaps arrest me to interrogate me, but nobody has come after me. At least not yet. Am I seriously getting away with murder? That's insane… I didn't even plan my kill very well looking back… I could've done it so much better… It hasn't even been a full calendar day though…

Kind of makes me also wonder, is it smart of me to write an admittance of guilt on paper? I mean, this is a diary, that's what diaries are supposed to be for, but at the same time…

I know you, my dear, precious diary, are supposed to be an outlet for my thoughts, a place for me to collect them, but I'm not sure I want to be writing for a while… I'll just contemplate on what I've done, and what I have truly become, a cold-hearted monster…

Heartfire, 19th, 4E 201

I haven't been writing for couple of days, but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing anything. I've been staying in the Rift area with Sofia for a while now, mostly in Riften itself. I'm now convinced that the guards have no idea it was me who killed Grelod. People gossip on the streets too, and while some are shocked, mostly adults and by lookers, people seem generally more shocked about how no kid in the orphanage even seems to be sad about her passing.

Sofia doesn't mind this place either. Sure, the city is kind of poor, crime is rampant, but the people seem nice for the most part, and the nature here is beautiful, especially the lakeside. Staying here has also helped us transition to traveling during night too, something we're both very comfortable doing now.

I also decided to check the Ratway like Brynjolf instructed. I thought I had found the Ragged Flagon, but I had found another bar that he never told me about, but I'm not sure why. Was it because I'm a child? Was he trying to protect me? Surely, he could've warned me to not go there…

After I decided to go in out of pure, morbid curiosity, I realized that I may have made a big mistake. This bar, this place of carnal sin, specialized in Skooma. All kinds of Skooma were available, some of which were worth a small fortune. Some of the patrons were clearly addicted, while others were there for different reasons… Some were even checking me odd way. The place also had a peculiar smell to it… And I could even recognize some familiar aspects to it.

That's when I also heard them. People were having sex. I walked in to see, but nobody cared even if a child was going to see what was taking place. Even the two adults getting it on didn't even care about me watching them. A sudden realization made me escape quickly, because I knew that if they were okay with me watching and looking around, it might be normal for some children to come here and sell their bodies as well. I left the place as fast as I could without making a scene, blushing like crazy. I don't want to return to that place. In fact, this whole sewer gives me creeps.

My curious findings didn't end there. I found a rather luxurious looking apartment hidden in some quiet corner of the Ratway. At first, I suspected that the place might be owned by some Argonian given all the books, including the infamous "Lusty Argonian Maid", but then I actually found Thalmor Robes locked inside a cabinet. Why would a Thalmor agent be holing up here in the sewers? Made no sense. And where is this agent now anyway? I left quickly, couldn't risk those guys knowing I've been snooping around.

And then, finally, I made it to the Flagon, which certainly seemed instantly more glamorous than the Skooma den. Brynjolf seemed impressed by me getting there and started immediately talking about recruiting me. I helped him collect some debts in Riften, ended up making some enemies too. Things did go as planned, but it wasn't without drama.

First was Haelga, who runs a bunkhouse. It's one of two inns in the city, but doesn't cater to tourists, but rather to the working man. I was told to use some Dibellan statue as leverage to get her to pay, but I didn't really imagine that working out in my favor, as me stealing the statue after asking her to pay would've made it very obvious, but luckily she was easily swayed by a threat of dropping it down the well. Besides, it's just a hundred septims, she said, not a big deal. She was just holding onto it due to principle and the Thieves Guild apparently being useless.

Then, there was Keerava, the owner of the second inn, which in turn caters to travelers and tourists. This one was a super easy job, as I basically just talked to her boyfriend Talen-Jei, who she runs the inn with. Talen-Jei's been looking to propose to Keerava, but needs some materials to create her traditional Saxheel wedding ring, a big deal to him as they're both Argonians. I helped him get some materials - which came out pretty cheap because I happened to have an Amethyst on me, and Talen-Jei paid in Keerava's stead. Easy peasy.

Last was the owner of local general store Bersi Honey-Hand, who was the most stubborn of all these people. He absolutely was not gonna pay even though he could, and was constantly telling me to get out or he'd call the guards. It was actually his wife who ultimately told him to just pay, because she was ashamed of her husband yelling at a damn child. I was initially gonna threaten to knock over some dwemer vase he had on display, but luckily it never came to that. Not even sure why Brynjolf gave me such tips that would've just gotten me into trouble if I followed with them…

Anyway, with the job well done, I was welcomed into the Thieves Guild, which means that despite making a few enemies, I also gained some important friends as they let me join. I see now harm being part of this organization. It comes with some extra perks, and having a place where I can safely sell possible stolen goods is always nice.

Despite my initial impressions about this place, the guild is struggling financially. I was interested in making some new friends here, but it feels like everyone sees me as just another business associate. Not to say that people there weren't nice though, because they certainly were, mostly anyway. Mercer Frey, the leader, rubs me the wrong way. It's like he's constantly angry at something or someone, or maybe everyone. I bet everyone.

I only got to interact with the other senior members as well as two men who work only for the Flagon. Vekel owns it while Dirge is his bodyguard and a bouncer. Neither of them seemed too impressed by me, with Vekel especially commenting on how the Guild really must be struggling to be relying on help from even little children these days. It annoyed me, but I just bit my tongue instead of making a scene. I swear that I'm gonna prove him wrong in time!

Delvin and Vex offer jobs, out of which I really liked the former. He seems really respectful and said that he trusts Brynjolf's judgment about me fully, believing I have a bright future in the guild. Vex on the other hand, well… I'm not sure what to think of her. Not sure if it's overconfidence or if she's just full of herself. She's openminded though, but I'll have to prove myself to her before she can take me seriously as a recruit. Lastly, Tonilia is the fence at the Flagon, meaning that she will buy stolen goods. In that sense, she's probably the most important person in the guild, because stolen goods really is the lifeblood of this organization. Sure, you've got the other "leaders" working with the clients directly, but she's the only reliable fence for common goods.

There also was a woman in the Flagon who immediately recognized me as a vampire, nothing like that has ever happened before. She didn't seem too bothered by it, which suggests that my secret is also safe here… She wasn't part of the guild though, I think. All the better, as I could really use friends I can trust, friends that don't care about me being a vampire. But enough of the Guild and the Flagon.

During these few days, me and Sofia also visited Fort Dawnguard. Isran, their leader, seemed kind of scary. I could sense his hatred for vampires so vividly and I immediately got a feeling that he isn't a kind of man who would be interested in curing me or even hearing what made me this way. Only cure he knows for vampirism is a swift death, and all he seemed to care about was killing vampires. There's no way he'd ever let me live even if I told him I'm a vampire looking for a cure.

I never actually told him I wanted to join the Dawnguard, but he mistook me for a recruit anyway. I was already planning to take my leave when he just willy-nilly sent me on a task to some place called Dimhollow Crypt. There are apparently some vampires there, looking for something. The tip came from the Vigilants of Stendarr, whose headquarters on the foot of the mountain, just south from Dawnstar, were attacked by the vampires when they were on their way to that cave. Perhaps I could approach them? It seems to me like this world isn't kind to vampires no matter what their circumstances are, so maybe they at least help their own kind? And if not, maybe I'd at least find answers?

And now, we're in Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm. I reported back to Aventus Aretino earlier and he gave me some old family heirloom as a reward. Not sure how to feel about that, since it doesn't seem that valuable to me. It kind of sucks not being able to get a decent reward for risking my life and my freedom, but he's just a kid. It's probably all he has, so I'm not going to hold it against him.

Heartfire, 21st, 4E 201

I've been kidnapped again, just like the time I was taken from Helgen. This time though, things were very much different.

My kidnapper's name is Astrid, and she's associated with the Dark Brotherhood. She didn't seem angry at me, but she knows… They know that I killed Grelod the Kind. There were three people in the shed besides us, and Astrid asked me to figure out which one of them has a contract on them. I was meant to then kill that person to "repay my debt". She said it was the only way for me to get out from that shed, so I had no choice. I thought about it for a long time, I talked to each and every one of them, and I came to a conclusion not even Astrid could anticipate.

I killed them all. Every single one. They all heard what me and Astrid talked about. If even one of them were to walk out of here alive, the chances of my crime being exposed to the world would rise exponentially and I'm not willing to take that risk.

Astrid seemed pleased with me. She didn't mind at all, because to her it wasn't about figuring out who was responsible, but rather a test to see if I could follow orders. I guess I passed, because she extended an invitation for me to join the Dark Brotherhood. What is it with me and attracting the attention of all these kinds of folks? Vampires, thieves, assassins… Trouble must love company I guess. I don't want to think of myself as a criminal, but at this point it feels like it's my destiny to go down a dark path. Not sure where it all went wrong. Have the divines abandoned me, or is it me? Have I abandoned them?

Besides, even though all these people may be criminals, they are the only people besides the Greybeards who seem to be willing to extend an invitation to me, not like certain innkeeper who needed me, was looking for someone like me, yet still wanted for me to prove myself to her. I will make all the friends I can get, and if that means being affiliated with the Dark Brotherhood, so be it. I will visit their sanctuary in Falkreath post haste. The visit to Dimhollow Crypt will have to wait.

Heartfire, 23rd, 4E 201

I made it to Dark Brotherhood's sanctuary in Falkreath, and I was immediately made feel welcome, which is more than I can say about most other establishments I have visited recently. I learned a lot about them, how they operate, how they used to operate, about their plans for future, or lack thereof… They didn't have any big contract for me yet, but I talked to a Redguard named Nazir who had some smaller jobs for me. I of course took the jobs. I guess I'm an assassin now!

Speaking of Nazir, he seems like a great guy, funny too. He's my type of man; dangerous and good looking to the boot… He was a little skeptical of me, wondered if I could make an impression on him, but at least he kept an open mind. I value his honesty and hope to prove him wrong.

Next person I met was Arnbjorn. He didn't seem too fond of me, but I have a feeling he's not fond of most people, so I didn't take it personally. He's a werewolf apparently, and Astrid's husband. What I said about Arnbjorn probably applies to Festus as well. He's a talented magician, a grumpy old man, didn't see too fond of me. Gabriella was a really nice woman and I have a feeling we'll get along. And Veezara? He's a Shadowscale, born and bred into this business in the swamps of Argonia, seemed like a nice guy too.

The person who stuck to me the most was Babette though. Me and her, we're very much alike. She was bitten by a vampire when she was ten, same as me. She's been alive for over three hundred years now, and she hasn't aged one bit. She was just as surprised about seeing someone like herself as I was. Of course, she's much older than me, but if I take care of myself, who knows? Maybe I have a friend in her for tens if not hundreds of years to come. She's even a Breton, just like me! It's crazy how two seemingly so unique people can be so much alike. We obviously became instantly friends, age gap be damned.

I actually ended up making one more friend, if you can even call it that. I've believed in and prayed to the divines from when I was a tiny little toddler, but what I've become and what I've done goes against what they approve of, what they expect their followers to live their lives like. So I abandoned them, just like they're probably happy to abandon me. I have a new religion now, and he is the Dread Father himself. As a part of this family it only makes sense for me to live my life as a daughter of Sithis.

Festus urged me to read on him a bit and gave me few books on the subject. "Sithis", "Litany of Blood" and "The Night Mother's Truth" were all interesting, although heavy reads, and I'm not even going to pretend I'm smart enough to understand everything those tomes talked about. Night Mother by the way is another extremely important figure in the "religion" of this "guild".

I also learned about how Sithis is venerated not only by the Dark Brotherhood but is an important figure in the religion of Argonians as well, if you can even call it a religion. Babette herself tried to reason his worship to me by saying that he's both nothing and everything in the same time, the empty nothingness, the void, but also the chaos that sets the world of order in motion and stirs it. I don't really understand how that relates to this guild being a group of assassins, it's complex, but it's also interesting! Sithis for sure seems more worthy of worship than any divine I know of, as he is something much bigger than a mere god. He's almost like a force of nature.

Anyway, that's just my understanding, I hope to learn more as time passes.

And that was about it. This place seems like a merry bunch, for a bunch of assassins anyway. I feel safe here, I feel welcome, and I feel understood and accepted. Joining the Dark Brotherhood seemed like another really good decision by me. Now, I just have to continue being careful and not doing anything stupid like get myself killed.

Heartfire, 27th, 4E 201

Me and Sofia finally decided to check out the Dimhollow Crypt, the place where the Dawnguard wanted me to go to. Even though I'm on a task here, I probably won't be reporting back to those Vampire hunters. It's not like me to write in my journal while I'm not in a safe place, but we had to stop down for a while to gather our thoughts and heal our injuries, because this adventure has been the closest we have come to actually meeting our defeat.

Vampires here weren't too happy to see us, and they saw us instantly as a threat. There were no discussions to be had, they didn't care that I was a Vampire myself. They saw me as an enemy to be defeated, a rival and a distraction, and tried to kill me and Sofia. Having never actually fought another Vampire before, I got a taste of powers a more experienced Vampire has. They can turn into bats, they're really good with Destruction magic, and they even command these big, black dog-like creatures. I've never actually trained or honed the spells and abilities I supposedly should know myself. I just don't feel comfortable using that stuff.

These Vampires were a tough bunch, but real dangers actually laid even deeper inside.

We found Vampires fighting off Draugr. At first, we thought that maybe we could just let the problems solve each other out, or maybe we could even try to help the Vampires to gain leverage with them, maybe reason with them. It wasn't to be, because these Vampires were quickly defeated. We were up against a Draugr more powerful that we had ever encountered. Like fools, we took the challenge.

There was just one left, but it wielded two different shouts, both of which made it feel like we were up against a larger group. First one summoned powerful wind to knock his enemies off their feet and the second one made it turn completely invulnerable to damage. It knocked me down rather quickly, with only Sofia left standing. She did her best to protect me, but she went down trying to defend me. We were certain we were both going to die at that point.

Then, the Draugr took Sofia's weapon and threw it aside, and stripped her naked. I was still unable to regain my composure so all I could do is watch as this undead monster defiled my precious friend. It was horrifying to see, and she was really scared, having completely lost her cool.

I was able to gather my strength and stop this zombie from raping my best friend. I knew there was no way I was going to defeat this monster with a bow, so I took my sword instead. I also knew I needed to try alternative strategies, and I tapped into my knowledge about the voice to find a suitable weapon about this zombie, and I found the weapon I was looking for.

It was something I figured out when studying alternative meanings for the words of power I know, one that I had never relied on before, one that I might want to rely a lot in the future. It curses my foes to suffer the same wounds they inflict upon me. Every glancing blow, every cracked bone and every single spell that pierces my soul is mirrored right back to the attacker. Alone, it wouldn't have been enough, but neither would my swordsmanship been enough. Together though, it was enough to drain his strength away slowly. As soon as he fell on his knees, I decapitated the bastard making sure he would never resurrect again.

Since then, we've been resting. We're sure it's safe now, but we can't afford to doze off. We'll continue once we're fully recovered.

Heartfire, 27st, 4E 201

I found out what the Vampires were looking for, if you can even call it what… Or it…

There was a girl locked in the crypt, a Vampire called Serana. She's been in there for a long time, I can't even imagine how long. She must've been turned when she was quite young because she's even smaller than me. Is that a thing Vampires do? There were some kids in enemy's rank as well. I guess it's a viable tactic to convert them when they are young and helpless to make them dependent on you. Smart. Maybe that's what the Vampires who kidnapped me were planning in for me too? It still doesn't quite explain why they locked me away and abandoned me though.

Oh, and Serana has an Elder Scroll with her. I've heard stories, but I never even believed they existed. In case you're wondering what they are, I don't even know besides them being immensely powerful and being able to see into future or something, probably even more than that. She's a little secretive about everything, but I have a feeling she needs help, and she won't stop following me. She seems to trust me at least somewhat, and she needs someone to rely on I guess. She's a capable mage, so I don't mind. She's way more help than she's trouble.

We had to fight our way through Draugr to make it out, and they continued to be just as powerful as before. Skeletons too, the kind that just wouldn't stay dead even after you smashed them into bits. Three of us had no trouble, fortunately. Serana's magic also seems to work on keeping the skeletons dead, which is just fantastic.

We're currently in Dawnstar, and we're so tired… It's been such a long day. Sun was already up by the time we made it out from the crypt and I was just so ready to collapse on a bed. We'll probably take a boat to Solitude and travel the coast towards west during night. Serana's home is somewhere there on an island.

Heartfire, 28th, 4E 201

If I ever had an opportunity to be cured of my Vampirism, that opportunity has probably slipped past my fingers for good.

So, Serana brought me to her castle. Her father is someone called Lord Harkon. He's the leader of this clan of Vampires. I feel like there's still a lot they're not telling me, but they at least seem friendly with me, which is honestly something I've been looking for; Vampires that I can call my friends, Vampires that understand me, Vampires that are willing to help me, if I'm willing to help them.

Lord Harkon himself was very happy about me helping Serana and bringing her to him after roughly a thousand years. In his own words, there's only one thing equal in value to his daughter and the Elder Scroll which he can offer me, and that is his blood. He compared my state of Vampirism to a mere disease, and basically gave me an offer to become a true Vampire, an offer I felt like I couldn't refuse…

There are many different kinds of Vampires, and it's all dependent on the bloodline and the family. Harkon's blood is very powerful, as he leads the most powerful Vampire clan in all of Skyrim. It's all so ironic, now that I think about it. Just a week ago I was still determined to seek a cure, but now I've gone down this path… Royal Vampiric blood has been gifted to me and it now runs through me. I feel like I have thrown away my past along with any shred of humanity I once had. I still feel like the same person though, so I don't know… It would be interesting to meet someone from the days when I was just another playful little girl growing up in a small town and ask them, am I now a different person in their eyes, but nobody from those days have lived to see this day.

I still do not know what will happen with me in future, but ultimately, I feel like I've made the right choice. This is my destiny, the road I must stay on, no matter where it may lead me.

• 4th Journal - Degeneration