"I'm tired of... doing this," I whispered to Erin, my voice quivering like leaves in the autumn breeze. Every word carried a heavy truth.
It's been nearly two months since Erin and I started "dating" in secrecy. We kept it hidden from the world because no one was supposed to know that we'd been dating. Only my Mom knew I liked girls, and was the only one who understood and supported me.
"What are you talking about, Yui?" Erin asked, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly. School was her kingdom, and here, under her rules, we dared not breach the unspoken boundaries—no talking, no touching, no smiles exchanged. Only the slightest of glances were allowed.
"I'm tired of you being ashamed of me," I confessed, frustration bubbling up. "I'm tired of your fear—of us not being seen in public together because you're afraid of what your so-called friends might think of us. You're a totally different, caring person only when we are alone together. That's what I'm talking about, and I'm tired of it all." My teeth clenched as she checked for eavesdroppers with a wary glance. We stood near the bustling cafeteria, seconds before the lunchtime frenzy.
Her voice dropped to a whisper, and I felt a sudden tightening of my throat. "Can't we discuss this later?" Her words were barely audible, her lips hardly moving.
My eyes welled with tears as I looked at her beautiful face. Her wheat-coloured hair brushed against her long eyelashes, framing enchanting hazel eyes. Those eyes that had stolen my heart. My gaze trailed down to her button nose, leading to her soft, pink lips—the same lips I had kissed just last night. She was a vision of beauty and grace, and her athletic prowess made her one of the "popular" girls in our high school.
Yet her popularity was what brought up the shame. The boys in our high school worshipped her, their eyes hungrily following her every move. But she chose me, a bookish, unpopular Japanese girl who paled in comparison. Pretty, but not dazzling like her. I was a petite, foreign-looking figure, eternally mistaken for a sixth-grader. My long, straight black hair, pale complexion, and Asian eyes only added insult to injury.
As I looked at Erin, the embodiment of every teenage boy's fantasy, a stark realisation washed over me. Our relationship could never work if we had to hide it from everyone. She was someone, while I felt like nobody. It was painfully evident that she yearned to keep her infatuation with another girl hidden for fear of the embarrassment it might bring and the social standing it could destroy. And I would never want to humiliate her in front of people whose opinions obviously mattered more to her than our relationship.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought back to her unanswered question—the same question that still hung in the air.
"Can't we talk about this later?"
Summoning every ounce of courage within me, I replied, "No, Erin. There's no 'later' for us any more." I met her gaze, the same eyes I cherished, and saw them waver with conflicting emotions before I turned away, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, Erin."
With each step I took away from her, her voice called out, faltering and tense. Hope flickered briefly within me, only to be extinguished by the voice of another girl.
"Erin! I've been looking for you," the girl chimed in, her tone feigned casual, but the underlying threat was unmistakable.
I slowed my pace, desperate to hear Erin's response, wanting nothing more than for her to confess everything to this girl, to say those words I longed for: 'Her name's Yui, and she's my girlfriend.'
Instead, I heard her sigh, her voice a mere murmur, "Nobody."
My heart splintered into a thousand pieces.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
"I don't need her. I don't need a girlfriend. She's a total jerk, and I'm not in love with her," I muttered to myself, like a mantra I'd been repeating for the past half-hour in a futile attempt to stop these stupid tears from falling. Three torn pieces of a photograph lay strewn before me. The snapshot showed us at her house, where she'd been teaching me her favourite video game, but I kept dying. She looked so beautiful in the photo, while I resembled a small kid clinging to her arm.
I had read somewhere that to help your mind forget someone, you should take their picture and tear it up. Tear it piece by piece, and for every piece, you should say something mean about them. The idea was that by acknowledging their flaws, you'd realise how wrong they were for you. In my attempt to banish her from my thoughts, I'd managed to say only three negative comments before my mind veered towards thoughts like, 'She's a great kisser' and 'I love her smile.'
Clearly, this method was failing me.
However, I did succeed in saying 'She's selfish,' 'She didn't appreciate me,' and finally, 'I hate her. No, really, I do!'
A sigh from the doorway interrupted my self-imposed therapy. "What are you doing, Yui?"
I sniffled. "Mourning."
My mother entered my room, took a seat beside me on the bed, and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. I must have appeared quite a pitiful sight, surrounded by pillows, stuffed animals, and the remnants of the torn photograph.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" she asked gently.
"I broke up with her, Mom," I confessed, my voice trembling. "I don't want to be her dirty little secret any more."
"You did the right thing, sweetheart," my mother comforted me. "If she can't accept being seen with you, then maybe she doesn't deserve to be your girlfriend."
Her words didn't really make me feel any better, but they offered a glimmer of solace.
"Mom, I don't want to go to school tomorrow," I murmured, leaning against her and seeking solace in her comforting presence. My fingers anxiously fiddled with the threads of my stuffed bunny. "I mean, she called me a nobody. How can I face her after that?" My chest tightened, and fresh tears welled up.
"If you don't go, she'll think she got to you," Mom replied, gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
I glanced at her, sniffing. "But she did get to me."
She cast a brief, sympathetic glance at the torn photograph and the damp patches on my pillow, and I blushed with embarrassment. "The key is to be strong and act as indifferent to her as she is to you," Mom advised, her tone soothing. "Make her believe she means nothing to you. It might bruise her ego a bit."
"But Mom... I—I still love her!" I confessed, my voice breaking as I buried my face in a pillow. Then the painful memory resurfaced—Erin had never uttered those three precious words in return. My chest constricted again as I recalled pouring my heart out to her after our first kiss in her bedroom, during a homework session, and receiving only silence in response.
"I know, sweetheart, I know," Mom sighed, her voice heavy with understanding. "Let's try not to dwell on her." She paused, choosing her words carefully. "There are other girls out there, aside from Erin. Someday, you'll find the right one—the one who loves you just as much as you love her. And then, all thoughts of Erin will fade away."
Her well-intentioned words only elicited more tears from me.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Erin looked like she'd been through a storm the following day. Her school uniform was crumpled, her hair stuck out in wild tufts, and her eyes appeared swollen and bloodshot, as though she'd spent the night crying.
On the flip side, I had risen half an hour earlier than usual, determined to present myself as if it were any other ordinary day. I had chosen to heed Mom's advice and portray an air of indifference. My goal was to show her that I remained untouched by the recent turmoil and that it was her loss, not mine.
When she arrived late for first period, a stir of whispers rippled through the students, taken aback by her scruffy state. As her gaze locked with mine, I swiftly averted my eyes, still obediently adhering to her unwritten no-contact rule at school. And when she hesitated near my desk while heading to her own, I instinctively turned my head away and buried myself in the textbook, my heart racing. Indifference was the key.
The week trudged on in much the same fashion. By Friday, Erin had managed to regain some semblance of normalcy, though her eyes still betrayed the battle she'd fought against tears. Witnessing her in this state left me feeling pitiful and with an urge to offer comfort and ask her if she was all right. However, I persevered, continuing to ignore her, though it pained both of us. What hurt most was that she hadn't made any effort to reach out or call me, despite dropping hints on a few occasions that she wanted to.
As Friday's lunchtime bell rang and the bustling hallways filled, my English class partner, Brandon, approached me at my locker to discuss our project and the assignment we'd been given. One thing that had always charmed me about him was the adorable dimple in his right cheek.
I briefly registered Erin a little farther down the hallway, one of her popular friends goofing off while the others laughed. But Erin stood apart. She was the only one who wasn't laughing. Her expression was vacant and withdrawn, as if she were lost in her own private world.
I refocused my attention on Brandon, offering a small smile. "Whenever you're ready to get started, I'll be fine with it. I've got nothing else going on today."
"So, would tonight be okay for you? You could come over to my place, and we can go from—" Brandon's words were abruptly cut off as he was forcefully slammed into the locker next to mine, Erin's angry grip crumpling the front of his shirt.
"What the fuck, Yui?" Erin's voice seethed through clenched teeth.
Shock rippled through me. "Let go of him!" I managed to exclaim, my voice quivering.
"Jesus, Erin, what's going on?" One of her friends called out in bewilderment. The entire hallway had fallen eerily silent, with every gaze now fixed upon us.
Erin's cheeks were burning red, and her hazel eyes bore a menacing glare. Finding my voice again, I spoke with a hint of composure, "Erin, let him go."
"No, Yui! This jerk has the nerve to ask you out right after we broke up?" Startled whispers echoed around, and a quick glance at Erin's group of friends revealed they were just as taken aback as the rest of the entire crowded hallway.
"You and I were never together," I lied, disbelief gnawing at me. The situation had spiralled into something unimaginable. I mean, what on earth was she doing? And right here in front of the entire school. This was precisely what she had been so desperately trying to avoid all along, yet she was now recklessly exposing everything we had concealed beneath a veneer of secrecy.
"What do you mean we were never together? We were together for two months, Yui!" Erin exclaimed incredulously.
That pushed me over the edge. "How would you know, Erin? How was anyone else supposed to know? You never cared about us, and you certainly didn't act like we were together since you wouldn't even talk to me at school. I was just a nobody to you in public, just as you said yourself. That's why I broke up with you. I finally realised you were too shallow. You were too ashamed to be seen with me. And you know what? I don't care any more, because I've come to realise that I don't need someone like you in my life. I'm better off without you."
Erin's jaw clenched and unclenched, a desire to interject clear in her eyes, but she refrained. I was furious—furious that she would subject me to this humiliation, that she had turned our relationship into a spectacle for the entire school to witness, that she was slipping further by every single thing she had said or done. I wanted to say more, but the silence in the hallway was overwhelming. All I wanted was to get away from there so I could cry my eyes out without being gawked at by every single kid at school.
My gaze shifted back to Brandon, who appeared both bewildered and alarmed. His eyes darted back to mine.
"Sorry, Brandon, tonight won't work for our project," I said, delivering one final glare in Erin's direction, her face contorting in shock, before turning on my heel and heading towards the girls' restroom.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
'I don't need her. I don't need a girlfriend. She's a total jerk, and I'm definitely not in love with her.'
No, it still wasn't getting any easier.
The entire school now knew about us, thanks to the lightning speed at which gossip spread. We were officially labelled as the only two dykes in the entire school. If anything, I felt even more shunned than before this whole mess. "Great achievement, Yui," I muttered to myself, sinking into despair. "Erin is such an idiot. How did I ever fall in love with someone like her?"
It was a Friday night, and I found myself back at home, listening to the pitter-patter of rain falling against the window glass, the only company I had. I was surrounded by my stuffed toys, and the pillow clenched in my hands, which I held to my face in a futile attempt to stop these tears from falling. I tried to distract myself by diving into one of my favourite books, but it provided little solace.
A knock at the door interrupted my solitude, and I figured it was my Mom checking on me to make sure I hadn't killed myself yet.
But it most definitely wasn't my Mom.
I sat there, wide-eyed and mouth agape, as Erin closed the door behind her. I almost glared at the door, as if it were to blame for her intrusion. Her gaze swept over my pitiful state, and I felt my cheeks blush as a trace of regret flickered across her face.
"What are you doing here?" I muttered miserably. Erin's fingers played nervously with the expensive bracelet her parents had given her on her tenth birthday, a familiar habit I'd grown accustomed to.
"I wanted to apologise, Yui. For today..." She met my gaze. "For everything."
"You're forgiven, then. Now leave," I snapped, not wanting her to witness me like this, all vulnerable and uglier than usual.
"Yui... I love you," she confessed almost immediately, as if expecting instant forgiveness.
My breath caught, and for a moment, I hesitated, my mask of indifference crumbling into the dust it had always been. But I fought against it, determined not to succumb so easily to her charms.
"W—what? You think you can just walk in here and expect everything to go back to normal?"
"No, I don't. But I hope you'd consider giving me a chance to explain myself before you decide if I'm worthy of being your girlfriend." She settled cautiously on the bed beside me, facing me but refraining from any physical contact.
"Fine," I replied icily, bracing myself for the possibility of further heartache.
"I admit that I made mistakes. I kept you a secret, embarrassed you, ignored you, and expected you to follow my rules at school. I made plenty of mistakes I wish I could undo. But I can't."
I observed her, still struggling to believe what I was hearing. She inched a bit closer to me, pushing the pillows between us aside.
"You were right; I worried too much about what others thought of us. I was scared of my friends' reactions. I feared my parents would find out and punish me because they're not like your Mom. You're fortunate to have her, Yui, but you don't understand what it's like to live with people who might harm me because I'm in love with another girl. But when you ended things, I was terrified and hurt. It made me realise how wrong it was for me to care about other people's opinions because the one that mattered most to me was... you. I never meant to hurt you, Yui. It took losing you to make me see it, and I don't want to lose you because I love you," she confessed, taking a deep breath.
Her admission left a bitter taste in my mouth. It was only now that I grasped the turmoil she had been wrestling with internally. Coupled with the threatening atmosphere at home, it made her situation even more precarious. Yet I still found myself gazing into her teary eyes, not entirely sure what to make of it all.
"Yui..." she said softly.
"Yes?" I managed in a hushed whisper. My mind was a whirlwind, but my heart ached for her.
"I, uh, I... I want us to be together again," she stammered, her words tumbling out in a rush, as if she feared rejection before fully explaining her feelings. "I mean, I understand if you don't want to, given what I've done and the situation with that project guy today, but I promise I'll do anything if we can be together again. I don't care what others say or do. I don't want to hide any more. I'll do whatever it takes to have you back. Please?" She finished awkwardly.
I could hardly believe my ears.
She loved me. Without thinking, I just asked, "No more school rules?"
Her eyes widened with hope, recognising the playful tone in my voice. "No more school rules, Yui. I'll hold your hand, I'll hug you, I'll kiss you. Right there in front of everyone."
"Will you really?" I teased, my walls crumbling as I witnessed a slow, hesitant smile grace her face.
"I promise to make you happy."
I shifted onto my knees on the bed, locking eyes with her. "Okay."
"Okay?" She checked as if in doubt or disbelief.
I gave her a quick nod before tackling her onto the bed. In a heartbeat, our lips met, and as my fingers tangled in her blonde hair, the pillow I had been clutching slipped from my grasp.
"I think I like this new, brave, Erin," I murmured against her lips.
"I'm tired of being scared, Yui," she confessed, her hand tracing a path under my shirt to the hollow of my stomach—a touch that always sent shivers down my spine. I moaned softly into our kiss, my skin prickling with goosebumps.
A knock interrupted our moment, and we broke apart, breathless. "You two better not be doing anything funny in there," came the warning from my Mom.
"Mom!" I groaned in embarrassment, tossing a pillow her way before hiding my flaming face in the curve of Erin's neck. Mom shot me a quick smile before closing the door.
"I'm sorry, Erin. My Mom can be a bit annoying at times."
"Your Mom is cool," she chuckled. Tentatively, she added, "I love you, Yui. More than you can imagine."
I returned her smile and, for a moment, lost myself in her hazel eyes. "I love you even more for finding the courage to say it." Leaning in, I sealed our love with another sweet kiss.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Monday dawned, and with it, the new school day. But on this particular day, the world transformed, and nothing mattered any more. The weight of being an outcast and shunned by everyone no longer bore its usual weight. To the contrary, it felt like an unexpected triumph because there was Erin. She was walking beside me, her hand nestled warmly within mine, our fingers entwined as we faced the crowd of students with smiles on our faces.
❤ The End ❤