Talk:Pass It Along/4

I think the flavored speech is a bit heavy on this page. It makes it a bit hard to read. Also, with Frank leading the tour I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around either him just telling the story to the children, or none of the older kids or adults asking questions. If you set up the scenario where this could happen more it would help my suspension of disbelief. Maybe they get to a room on the tour that distracts the older characters? An art gallery or museum of some sort . . . it would have to hold diverse displays to attract Dylan, Divinity, Ophelia, and Barry at the same time though. But, yeah, I think it needs something like that. (Also, you've been forgetting the category. I put it in last time . . . I've been putting it at the top of the page recently. That may be why you forgot?) --Elerneron (talk) 07:53, 19 August 2018 (CEST)

I've explained the non attentiveness of the older siblings and parents. You're right, it didn't make much sense before. Hopefully it does now? I've also simplified Frank's language a bit. Hopefully that reads better now? --Jackmaster (talk) 09:50, 19 August 2018 (CEST)

As no one has written the next page yet (I hope this doesn't create any issues if you have), I have done a rewrit with this one. It should read better, be less restrictive for future writers, and crate more of a mystery for the kids. Hope that's ok? --Jackmaster (talk) 12:12, 20 August 2018 (CEST)