JoS/Henriette/20th Journal - Trials

Sun's Dusk, 5th, 4E 202

The first part of Kyne's Sacred Trials happened in the woods north of Falkreath, south of Lake Ilinalta. The guardian wolf I was sent to defeat was nothing short of a disappointment. I may have already outgrown this trial, but at the same time, it feels like I should see this to the end anyway. Who knows what waits at the end of it?

I also came across a rather nasty sight in the woods. There's a shrine devoted to Talos here, and at its foot laid six corpses. It had been done by the Thalmor. How I know this? Because the there was also a dead Thamlor soldier here too. Apparently his name was Sanyon… There was an angry letter on his body from Elenwen who refused to assist him in taking care of this "band of criminals" they call worshipers.

Now look, I don't care about Talos or the divines but to try to hunt and weed out worshippers like this seems rather excessive. The Thalmor really are something else… The scene was fresh and there was plenty of blood left for me to feast on. Didn't have to worry about getting my hands dirty. I don't have to worry about traveling with an empty stomach now.

Sun's Dusk, 7th, 4E 202

It seems that today the hunter became the hunted… I'm not "only" talking about myself. I'll get to that later though.

The second part of my trial was a giant Skeever whose lair is somewhere south of Dawnstar, and on the way there I came across a fight between some Vampires and Vigilants. Not sure what clan these guys were from, but they got the better of these Vigilants at least. They let one of them live, the young female Bosmer, and they violated her. I saw no reason to intervene though… I wonder if I did the right thing by ignoring them?

I, also, was attacked, as I alluded earlier. These guys were dressed as Imperial soldiers, but I could smell something fishy about them… They were trying to extort money from me like some common bandits, which was highly suspicious for starters. I suspected that I could take them on though, because there were just three of them, and they didn't seem like the most well-trained of soldiers… So I turned myself invisible and let them try and find me. They split to look for me, probably thinking they could easily take me one on one, but that was a mistake in their part. Taking them out was really, really easy.

It kind of makes me a little anxious though… What if they were for real? Am I in trouble for killing Imperial soldiers? Will I ever even be found out if they were for real? Ah, whatever, I'm probably worried for nothing. There's no way those guys could actually be affiliated with the legion.

Then, I actually faced the Skeever, which proved to be a foe tougher than the wolf I fought the other way; not because it was hard to kill, but because it was nimble and hard to hit. Never underestimate any foe, I suppose.

I'm going to pay my dues to Sithis and rest in the Santuary for the day.

Sun's Dusk, 7th, 4E 202

I'm sure you remember this, my dearest diary, because you're a book and you hold a lot of text, but I had forgotten… People in this town have been having nightmares, and it happened to me too. Apparently it has hit many others in the Sanctuary too, more so than in the past. It's not directly work-related to the Brotherhood, but since it IS affecting their work, it's in our best interest to deal with it. They're not sure where to start though, but I remembered hearing about some priest of Mara…

I went looking for him and lucky for me, here's still in town.

His name is Erandur, and I must say, it's pretty strange that he hasn't gotten any help over the year this thing has been affecting the town on and off. He claims to know something about this… It has something to do with the Daedric Prince Vaermina… Kind of explains why he's having hard time getting help. Normal people don't exactly like dealing with stuff like this for free! Anyway, since I'm not normal, I told him that I'll follow his clue. There's this old castle up the hill, inside which is apparently some temple, and he wants us both to go there later. Might as well. I can deal with the third part of Kyne's Sacred trial later.

Sun's Dusk, 8th, 4E 202

Dear oh dear, this is WAY more than I bargained for. I should've been patient and brought some of my friends with me, or better yet, someone from the Brotherhood. Not to say that there's anything objectively wrong with how my ally here fights, he's alright… It's just that there really should be more of us. I probably should've bought Babette! Can she even fight? I'm not even sure what kind of weapons she uses! Maybe she uses magic? Anyway, she would've loved collecting all the ingredients and potions this place has stocked away. Then again, since she's not here… They're all mine! There's some old, valuable books too, and while I'm not that interested in them, Sissel and Serana both like reading, so I suppose I might take some for them along with me on the way out.

So first of all, Erandur used to be a worshipper of Vaermina himself, so he kind of lied to me there. No, that's not fair… He didn't lie, he just neglected to tell me all the details. I'm not sure why. Secondly, this place is almost like a time capsule of sorts, being frozen in time.

A little history lesson… These worshippers took this temple some years ago and apparently used some artifact called the Skull of Corruption to torment some Orcs with nightmares similar to what the people of Dawnstar are experiencing, not sure why. Erandur didn't tell me, but there was some bad blood with a nearby stronghold, which by the way, no longer exists. Obviously, the Orcs were pissed, so they attacked, killing and raping, taking some of the worshippers as prisoners. They would've succeeded in destroying this shrine completely if it wasn't for them releasing some spell that put the entire place into sleep, with both worshippers and invaders being put to sleep.

Now that their sleep has been disrupted, the fighting has started again. What's the worst part? We were seen as enemies by both parties. I've never been a fan of these kinds of fight environments as hiding can be a little difficult and the corridors are so small too, and these foes are actually strong. These Orcs aren't just simple bandits, you see! They're real warriors! And these worshippers of Vaermina, strong too in their own rights. I'm not good at dealing with mages that wield fire because of my weaknesses.

Well, no matter, we know how to stop the nightmares at very least, but unfortunately for us, the Skull of Corruption is behind an impenetrable barrier that the worshippers set up to protect their precious artifact from the invaders. Erandur suspects that the way for us to move forward is by finding some kind of old potion which can be used in a ritual to do something called "Dreamstride", which allows the person consuming it to physically travel distances in their sleep, all while seeing "Dreams", or experiencing something that has happened in the past through the eyes of the other. It sounds super trippy, I'm not sure if I even explained it right, but it's the only way forward so we'll go along with it. It should be safe.

Meanwhile, I finished surveying the castle just a moment ago and making sure there are no more invaders or cultists left. Damn near got raped after I was ambushed by an Orc from behind. Thankfully, I've gotten better… Had this happened in the past, he would've gotten the better of me for sure.

We're going to go forward with Erandur's plan soon. I really hope it works…

Sun's Dusk, 12th, 4E 202

So, things didn't work out, didn't end up quite as we predicted. For what it's worth though, the nightmares are over, but you can't call this a victory.

After I drank the potion, I was sent back in time like I was told. I experienced what happened in the past, and, well… Ain't nothing I would like to add to that. Then, I woke up inside the barrier as we had planned. Now, all that was left for me to do was to deactivate the barrier, a task that for all intents and purposes should've been really easy, had I been able to do so in time.

Invaders trapped inside the barrier had woken up as well. There were four in total, and they ambushed me as Erandur was helpless to prevent it from happening. The orcs had kind of figured out what was going on at that point so they didn't try to hurt me, but they didn't trust Erandur even though he begged the orcs to please deactivate the barrier, even though he said that he was here to destroy the skull, even though he was here to help, not cause any more harm to the orcs. These orcs recognized Erandur as one of the worshippers though. They told him that they had killed all of the worshippers inside, including Erandur's old allies and friends Veren and Thorek. Now, they were intent on having one final revenge against him by turning their gaze towards his new friend and ally, me.

As far as these orcs saw it, I was in cahoots with the worshippers, but no amount of convincing from me saying that I have nothing to do with Vaermina helped. Thankfully their idea of having revenge didn't include killing me, as they saw me more valuable as their prisoner. They took all my clothes, my weapons, robbed me of everything. They tied me up, gagged me to stop me from speaking, and they chained me with a collar too. They did all of this in front of Erandur, who kept pleading with them to spare me. Lucky for me, they didn't end up actually violating me, but at this point, there was nothing more I could do. I couldn't even use my fangs or voice being gagged up, so all I could do was really watch.

They then took me to the quarters deep within the temple, where they tied up to the wall. I was constantly just anticipating them to torment me, to rape me, but instead, it seemed like they were interested in at least hearing Erandur out. They were debating whenever they should go along with it or just kill him, and debating what they should do with me. I'll skip right to the conclusion, if you don't mind, and just tell you that the orcs eventually took the barrier down and led Erandur with their weapons drawn and pointed at him to the Skull, where they told him to destroy it, or else. After that, he was simply let go. And me? I ended up becoming a prisoner for orcs, so that's where the story between me and Erandur ends. I suppose he returned to Dawnstar.

Considering that these four orcs are the only thing that remains of their old tribe and their old stronghold, I thought they'd have nowhere to return to, but apparently they have friends. Apparently they're close allies with the orcs of Largashbur. They asked me if I happen to know, does that place still exist, and after weighing my options for a while, I thought it might be best for me to just be honest with them. I nodded, so that's where they took me.

So, Largashbur is a stronghold southwest of Riften, a place I've been to in the past. I've made some friends here, but I've also made some enemies. Rather, one big enemy that wanted to get his comeuppance against me.

Yamarz couldn't believe his eyes when he saw these orcs return that were long thought dead, and he couldn't believe that I was their prisoner. His confusion quickly turned into anger, and that anger was directed at me. He had apparently gone to that cave back when he was challenged, no, ORDERED by Malacath to go and kill that giant, but I never came for his help, even though he demanded me to help. Well, I still refuse to apologize for helping him, because let's be honest, it wasn't my fight, but Yamarz still sees things differently. He talked about how he had to do all the work himself, about how I had a steep price to pay for betraying his trust. He said that he'd gladly offer these four orcs a place to stay and that they're welcome in his stronghold, but that he also wanted a payment, and that payment was me.

So, yeah, I've been here as a prisoner ever since. And Yamarz? Well, he had a plan ready for me.

Since the orcs hadn't violated me in any way, I was meant to be pickings for Yamarz. As soon as he got me by the master's end of the chain, he took me to his longhouse, chained me to his bed, and he violated me from behind. He said that as a punishment he will do this to me every day, every night, every morning and every evening until my spirit breaks and I become completely subservient to his will. He said I'm going to bear his children too, and considering that he has already finished inside me half a dozen times… That's actually my biggest fear here. Like, I can deal with being a prisoner as long as there's a way for me to escape, but what if I don't make it out in time? I can't just terminate this pregnancy on my own, not without any soul gems in my possession… He's not planning on lending any to me… So this could be bad…

They're really cautious about me escaping by the way. Yamarz knows that I'm a capable adventurer, capable of causing a lot of trouble and ruckus if given a chance. They're keeping me chained in this little hut they've made from me. I've got nothing on me, no tools to speak of, so I can't pick the locks, not like it would even matter. This place is constantly being guarded for any possible outsiders. He had one of those powerful collars that is able to not only alert him, but also shock me if I go too far away from him, so even if I did escape, getting away from him would be impossible. They have removed my gag for good now though, but I can't reveal my weapons without a comprehensive plan.

What also worries me is the fact that I could receive a letter from Solitude while I'm here. If I'm unable to answer my Imperial master's summons, who knows how he might react… Who knows how he would punish me. Would he reveal my crimes to the world as a revenge for my disobedience, or would he go on a quest to try capture me and enslave me for good?

Damn it, what a mess this is. If only my friends knew I'm here.

I'll play along, I have to. I don't know how I'll escape, or if I ever even will, but I'll wait for any opening or clue I might get.

Sun's Dusk, 19th, 4E 202

Has it really been a week already? I guess so…

So far, the situation has been pretty hopeless. I can't think of any way I could ever hope to escape from here, at least not on my own. That's not to say that I have given up though. I would never give up so easily. I have, however, acted complicit to everything. I have to. Besides, I feel like there's one way for me to escape… I can't do it on my own though…

My stomach has grown quite a bit with his child. I don't think there's any way for me to get away from this in any way. The baby must be due soon… My second child is going to be born in the next couple of days.

Despite having me pregnant, Yamarz uses me every morning and evening, and I act as if I'm happy to serve my new master. Other orcs here don't use me at all, but I get to deal with them on daily basis in other ways. I've noticed that there are still those who doubt Yamarz and his ways. One of them even said that he's gone crazy ever since he came back from that cave, that he has changed, that he's not sure if he can be trusted, but this lone orc can't go against his chieftain alone. He's even saying that he doesn't believe Yamarz truly completed the task given to him by Malacath, that the club he brought was from some other giant, not the one who had overrun Malacath's shrine. That's because the Giants are still attacking this stronghold, almost as if these guys are still cursed. So far, almost everyone has brought Yamarz's explanation about it being just the revenge by giants.

I feel it too. I'm fairly sure that Yamarz is a liar. There's no way he could've taken down that Giant alone, right…? After all, he initially wanted my help, begged for my help… No, no way he has completed the task given to him.

Well, if there's one big takeaway to take from all of this, it's that there are definitely cracks within this stronghold, and who knows when the situation will get completely out of hand. I hope that's sooner rather than later because gods only know if there's ever going to be any other chance for me to get away from Yamarz. In my current state though, it's not going to happen. I'm going to at least wait until I've given birth and recovered a little…

Sun's Dusk, 25th, 4E 202

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy the other day. I have such mixed feelings about this… I never wanted this to happen again, I didn't want to bring another life to this world, not after the first… I had to abandon my firstborn and I haven't even returned to that orphanage, so I don't know what came of him. This one though, I can't just abandon. I had to care for him, at least until I didn't anymore…

Yamarz came to me and forcefully took him away from me. He said that he knew I was going to birth a Breton boy and that this is why he will never accept him as his son. I mean, I can't help it! It's not my fault! I couldn't give birth to an orc even if I wanted to for crying out loud!

He's keeping my baby as a hostage to keep me in check. He says that the baby's going to die if I ever try to escape or disobey him. Those words hurt me, they really hurt me more than anything else in the world ever has. I cried, I begged him, and he then raped me again for hours, filled me with his sperm again. I couldn't even sleep after that, didn't sleep for the whole night. I just kept crying and bawling like mad.

He did say the following morning that he can help me with not getting pregnant anymore, because he doesn't want to burden the tribe with any more ugly Breton bastards… I swear, I want to kill this fucker so bad, but I can't do even as much as take a wrong tone with me… My child has nothing to do with this, so for him to use him as leverage and threaten to take a helpless baby's life is just so low…

So if there's one takeaway from what I just wrote… I suppose that whatever chance there was for me to escape this place on my own has been taken away from me. There's no way I can just leave here and abandon my innocent baby to be butchered by that monster.

Sun's Dusk, 27th, 4E 202

There's one member of the tribe who I hadn't met since becoming their prisoner, and that was the woman who initially asked me for my help, Atub. I thought it might be because she had left the tribe, or because she had died, but apparently, neither was the case. She has just simply been forbidden from speaking with me, but considering that I'm now under Yamarz's thumb properly and that she's the only one who can use soul gems to terminate pregnancies before they advance too far… She has been ordered to see me.

She came to me during the night and apologized deeply for what has happened to me, even though none of this is really her fault. It's not like their tribe to even keep slaves, never has. The previous chief was adamantly against it, and so was Yamarz initially. He has gone mad. She knows I don't deserve this, not after everything I did to help this tribe and helped trying to lift its curse. In the end, I didn't end up doing that much of help for the tribe, but the way she sees it, there never was a need for me to offer the little assistance I did offer to begin with. She says that I did the right thing by letting Malacath's task fall solely on Yamarz's shoulders and that for me to be punished like this is unjust.

What's more, she agrees with me and some of the others. She knows that the club Yamarz brought back wasn't the one he was ordered to bring here. The task is still left to be completed. She just can't prove it.

The situation is exactly the same as it was the last time around. She begged me for help once more, this time not only for the sake of the tribe being led by an unqualified leader, but also for my own sake, for my freedom's sake. She needed the same ingredients to commune with Malacath once more, but she or nobody else could leave the stronghold. I asked her, what of the child? What if something was to happen to my baby? She promised to do everything to protect his life from Yamarz.

I told her that I should have the ingredients at hand, but obviously they've been confiscated. She told me that all of my belongings should be within the stronghold, locked inside some chest. Only Yamarz has the key for it though. She said that she will help me get away from my chains if I can somehow get the key from Yamarz. We might get only one chance at this, and I'll be damned if I screw this one up…

Sun's Dusk, 30th, 4E 202

Yamarz may be smart, but in all the wrong ways. He couldn't suspect me of anything after being such a good little slave for such a long time, but I did manage to sweep the stupid key from right under his stupid potato nose, all while sweettalking and worshipping his dick… Then, as the night fell, it was time for Atub to hold her part of the deal and release me from my chains. The next step was probably the most dangerous part of this whole plan.

Naked and unarmed, still being slowed down by my collar, I had to sneak through the heavily guarded stronghold to find the chest with my belongings. I luckily found my little ingredient satchel pretty quickly and brought one Troll Fat and one Daedra Heart to Atub, who in turn was holding and shielding my child from any potential harm. At this point Yamarz had been alerted of what was going on since I wasn't in my cell, but it was too late for him. Atub had summoned Malacath once more. There and then, the truth was revealed from the furious god for all the tribe to hear.

This time around, not even Yamarz could lie or weasel his way out from justice. This was his last chance, and everyone in the tribe agreed. He has to travel to Malacath's shire and kill the Giant he was tasked to kill a year ago.

So, he did. This time though, he took me with him.

After putting me on chains, he dragged me naked through the forest. He also had a bow with him along with some arrows, but he didn't trust me with them yet. Instead, he beat me up in the middle of nowhere. He didn't even rape me this time around. He kept reminding me over and over again that this is my fault, I did this, that he will make me feel his fury for years to come and that I'll never see the end of this. According to him, I'd be his slave forever.

He dragged me to our destination and then through the Fallowstone Cave, slaying every bear and troll we faced on the way. For a moment, it seemed almost as if he was proving himself capable of doing this, but then came time for us to fight the Giant at the end of the tunnel, at Malacath's shrine. He finally gave me my bow and spoke his last few sentences to me. "I want you to back me up. Shoot his leg. Injure him. Don't you dare miss your shot, or else I will make this cave your grave."

And so, he charged in. I took my arrow, I took aim, and I waited, and I watched… I had no intention of shooting the arrow at the giant, so instead I had it pointed at him. I refused to take orders from this weakling anymore, so I decided to watch and wait to see the fight carry out, wait for him to maybe defeat the giant, and then kill him myself when he's tired and defenseless…

Instead, what happened was that he got hit by giant's club on his enemy's first swing, which sent his body flying. I have no idea where his body landed, but there's no way he could've survived a blow like that. If he didn't die instantly from the shock, he died falling from such heights. I was set free, but I had one huge problem in front of me. The giant had its sights on me.

This was never supposed to be my fight. It was meant to be his, and his alone. Yet, now that I was alone at the foot of this shrine faced with an angry Giant, it kind of did become my fight. I could've just escaped, maybe… I'm not sure if I would've made it out alive had I turned my back at my enemy. In the end, the reason I stayed was because I didn't want the rest of the tribe to suffer from this man's foolishness any longer, especially not because of those there who were compassionate towards me, and those like Atub who even helped me get this far to begin with.

However, I had only eleven Orcish arrows on me, and I had to make them all count. Lucky for me, this Giant was exactly like the other ones I've seen, so I knew what I was dealing with.

The grove offered many hiding places for me to escape and hide from Giant, and since I was way faster than him, and probably a lot smarter too, he never managed to catch up to me. By the time I had shot nine of my arrows, he was on his last legs. I had two more left, out of which I aimed the first at his hamstring, with the intention of hitting his head with the last… I succeeded with the first shot, but failed the second. He was recovering on the ground, but I had no more arrows. It must've looked to him like he won. He smiled greedily, as he started approaching me, probably ready to make me his meal, his prey or maybe even his plaything… That's when I shouted at him, just like dragons do. I watched him be engulfed in a thick breath of icy mist, and I watched him be frozen solid by it.

The deed was done.

Malacath spoke to me, condemning Yamarz for one final time; for his weakness, for his cowardness, for his lies… For all things unjust. The last part of the mission fell on me, as he ordered me to return the hammer to Largashbur, return it to the orcs. If I were to do so, I would be rewarded by him.

I'm still yet to leave this cave. It's still bright outside, so I might just sleep here. It's not like anyone else is coming here. I'm so tired, both mentally and physically… So I'll just enjoy my regained freedom in peace before I bring the hammer to Atub.

After that, who knows…? I think I'll return home for few days. I guess I should be bringing my baby with me. It's probably going to be a little painful because that child is going to forever remind me of Yamarz. It's not like my innocent child is at fault of anything, but he's going to remind me of everything that scum did to me, and the fact that I never even got my comeuppance. I could've shot Yamarz myself… I kind of regret that I didn't… Besides, it's not like I have the excuse of not being able to provide for a child anymore. I have a house and I even have a loyal servant in Sissel who'd probably be glad to raise him when I'm not at home, but I don't know… I just don't… I still don't think I'm ready to raise a baby. Maybe this is just another burden on my long list of burdens to bear, one that I'll come to accept some day in the future.