JoS/Henriette/1st Journal - Downfall

Last Seed, 17th, 4E 201

I'm scared.

I was playing outside. Mommy was telling me to hurry up inside and go to sleep, I insisted on staying outside a while longer. That's when they came and took me away.

I think they were Vampires, but I'm not sure. I've never seen one, but I've heard stories of them. They bit my neck, drank my blood, talked about making me their cattle, something like that, I'm not sure about that either… I've heard about some them being able to control people's minds, "seduce" them or something… Maybe they couldn't do that to me for some reason? Maybe I actually was under their influence, but only briefly? They wouldn't have had to lock me away if that's what they did, so… Maybe not. I'm afraid I might've contracted "that" and become one of them. I feel a little sick, I guess… I'm not sure…

They stole everything from me and left me naked. All I could find here is you, dear book, on the shelf along with some ink and a quill, but you probably already knew that you were there. I don't want to start a new journal, so… Perhaps I won't be writing too much here! Or maybe I will. It's a hobby of mine. Thought I'd tell you that, since you're my new diary. I used to have another journal, but it's at home.

I don't know where I am now, but I feel I'm far from home. I don't even know what time it is, but I've been out cold for quite a while. It's probably morning already. I think I'm in some kind of prison cell, but I can't get the door open. I don't even know why me captors left me here all alone. It doesn't make sense to me.

I'm afraid of them coming back. I don't want to stay here any longer, I can't. I could try shouting for help, but I doubt anyone would hear me. If only I had tools… Maybe I could try to escape…

Last Seed, 17th, 4E 201

I made it out. I actually managed to find a lockpick, and I didn't end up breaking it. I absolutely cannot believe it.

I didn't waste any time getting out of that horrible place. It was scary and dark. I heard whispers too, people talking… If you can even call them people. They sounded like ghosts, not that I've ever heard what ghosts sound like.

I took any items I managed to hold onto, but I couldn't find much. I found very little of value anyway, and I didn't find any clothes either, which was a bummer, but I found a dagger. My mother taught me to use a bow, but I've never ever trained with a weapon like this. I hope I can use it to scare at least some people away, but I don't want to actually use it. When I got out from that place, sun was already shining bright. I didn't feel strange in the sunlight, so I guess I haven't become a vampire.

I hope so…

As soon as I got out, I heard a wolf howling, and it must've been close by. I didn't actually see it, but I'm sure it could see me. I ran like crazy, faster than I've ever ran before. I was so lucky to find an old mill here in the middle of nowhere. The wolf didn't follow me, thank the divines. Door to the main building was locked, but there was another building next to it. Inside I found two people, an adult man dressed in black leather and a kid, maybe a little older than me, I'm not sure. They told me I had the wrong house, that the owner's house is on the opposite side of the farm, that the owner is out on an errand, that they've got nothing to offer, but after I continued to beg for help and tried to explain my situation, they finally offered some. They even had clothes to spare, old dress from the girl. I hope I can one day repay them.

I asked them where I am, how I can get back home to Helgen. They told me that this place is just south of Windhelm, that's so far from home! But luckily, I can take a carriage back home. Maybe I can get some money by selling the junk I found? I hope it's enough.

I'll leave as soon as I get something to eat. Bless these charitable souls, I'm getting hungry.

Last Seed, 17th, 4E 201

I somehow made it to Windhelm unharmed. On the way I even picked up some flowers and plants, hoping I could maybe sell them. I think I was allergic to one of them or something, I feel dizzy after picking it up. My mommy taught me to always be careful of picking up herbs and ingredients I know nothing about, but I felt like I had no choice.

The carriage won't leave until morning, but at least I have enough money to eat, sleep and eventually travel. I'm now in the local inn, Candlehearth Hall, but it's too loud to concentrate in here, so I'll keep this short. Besides, people here have taken interest in me. Who can blame them? A lone girl without her parents alone in an inn full of drunkards. I'm not sure who I can trust here, so I need to be on guard and not talk to strangers. Perhaps this is my last entry on this journal ever! Once I get home, I'll resume writing my old one.

Last Seed, 20th, 4E 201

Everyone's dead…

Everything's burnt to crisp, to the point of being unrecognizable…

Nothing remains of my home but ash, rubble and stone…

I only found one survivor. His name is Hadvar, I don't think I know him. He was injured, so I helped him. He took me to Riverwood. Haven't done much but cried since. I haven't been able to sleep at all… I haven't talked to anyone… I have barely eaten… I feel so lonely…

Last Seed, 27th, 4E 201

It's been a little over a week now, but it still hurts just as much. It's like my whole world is crumbling down, and nobody's there to pick the pieces up. This world is a mad and a lonely place with nobody there to look out for you. I'm currently in Riverwood so at least I'm safe, for now. People have talked about a possible adoption, but nobody here can afford to keep an extra mouth to feed. Besides, nobody would ever adopt someone like me. Would even an orphanage would accept me, considering what I've become?

Yeah, I feel weak outside in the sun. I really have turned into a vampire. There's no mistake about it anymore. It's not unbearable or anything, but it's like… I can't recover, my skin feels like burning at the slightest touch of a sunray, my blood feels like boiling if I'm in the sun for prolonged periods of time. There really isn't a cure for this? Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? The idea of being a vampire, who's hated and feared by people, hunted by some, wanted dead by most, even though I had no say in becoming like this… It's so much to bear. I hope people don't start to suspect me.

I want this to be just a bad dream. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and go back to living my life like normal. Why did those vampires even capture me? Why did that dragon have to attack Helgen? Why is all this happening? Damned you, Molag Bal, why did you even bring this curse to Nirn in the first place?

I suppose I should be thankful for being alive… Even though I'm not even alive anymore… I'm undead… Haha, dumb joke…

I don't really know where I belong anymore, but I've tried helping around Riverwood any way I can. There are a lot of nice people here. Alvor the blacksmith is great. He taught me some things about smithing. He knew my father, but they weren't friends or anything like that. Delphine at the inn seems a little blunt, maybe kind of scary… Orgar too, but at least he let me use the alchemy lab too. I already knew some things about that, but my mixtures still keep failing, my potions are next to useless. Mommy taught me how to identify different secret effects some ingredients have, but it's hard. It's also a little disgusting to taste some of the more unsavory ingredients like Troll Fat, not that I had any on me.

Who else have stuck to my mind? Well, the bard, Sven, I just can't bear. I don't care to hear him sing about Ragnar the Red for the hundredth time, so I stay at Alvor's place. He lets me stay, since I helped Hadvar. They're related. Alvor has a daughter too, her name is Dorthe. She's been bugging me a lot to play with her. I guess she's not used to having company her age, especially not another girl.

What else… Some love triangle? I have no interest meddling in adults' love affairs, but since Faendal taught me a thing or two about becoming better with bows, I ended up helping him in all of this. Sven is annoying anyway. Then, there's this guy called Hjoromir who was very insistent on helping me, and I don't mean in a nice way. What a creep. I suspect ulterior motives.

And finally, there's this Redguard who goes by the name Gorr, who I talked with at length. He's really strong and brave, handsome too. He has traveled all over Tamriel, even fought in the Imperial City Arena. He really loves talking about food too. I would love to make him something for brightening my day and spending time with me, but I don't think he would like anything I cook.

I still haven't thought about where I want to go from here, what I should do with my life. People here are scared about the dragon that destroyed Helgen. Can't blame them, I'm terrified too. It killed my family, everyone I've ever known. These people here don't have anyone to protect them, and they feel like they need it. If a dragon attacked here, everyone would die for sure. I suppose I could go to Dragonsreach in Whiterun to pay the people of Riverwood another favor for their hospitality. I've always wanted to go there anyway, and I didn't have a chance to visit inside the city walls last time around.

Maybe that's for tomorrow?

Last Seed, 28th, 4E 201

So, I visited Whiterun today, and now I'm safely back to Riverwood! It was actually quite an exciting day, really helped me brighten up my mood. I began my day by getting some travel snacks from the Riverwood Trader. The shopkeeper and his wife were talking about some solid golden ornament in a shape of a dragon claw being stolen. Something about Bleak Falls Barrow? We talked about it a little, but I don't know if there's much I can do to help him.

Traveling through the quiet forest also helped me really collect my thoughts and think about a lot of things. I walked past the stables, met a girl there. Her name is Sofia, and she's an adventurer, even though she a kid like me! It inspired me so. Maybe I could try being an adventurer too? I don't know… It seems a little difficult and dangerous… I told her my story, didn't tell about me being a Vampire yet. I'm not sure about who I can trust with that information yet. Well anyway, we became friends quickly and she wanted to accompany me to Riverwood. Maybe I can travel with her in the future too.

Then I went to see the Jarl. I told about dragon, about Helgen, about myself, about how Riverwood calls for aid, all that stuff. He promised to send soldiers there. He also talked about doing some task for him… He mistook me for an adventurer for some reason. Well, I took my bow with me, so I guess that makes sense? His court wizard, Farengar talked about retrieving a stone tablet in Bleak Falls Barrow. He called it a Dragonstone.

This is more than just a coincidence, right? Two different people talking about needing help regarding that place? Maybe I should really go there. Sofia seemed interested too. That's going to have to wait though. I'm tired after today, I need some rest, maybe gather some supplies and prepare a little.

Last Seed, 29th, 4E 201

I can't believe I'm still alive.

I went to the forest today to gather materials, mined ore with Sofia until my hands were numb. There were some wolves, but they didn't seem to mind me and my friend. Then, a strange winged creature attacked us. It was like a stone gargoyle, but it was alive.

It first went for Sofia, but she was taken down quickly even though she's so much stronger than me. I even dropped my bow due to not being able to get a good grip. The beast took me down in two hits. I guess its attention was drawn elsewhere… There was a friendly giant wandering the forest. The beast must've seen it as a threat, as it ran straight for it. Well, let's just say, the beast didn't fly so well despite it having wings… We were spared…

Last Seed, 30th, 4E 201

I'm starting to doubt myself and the choices I've made recently.

I went to the forest today too, this time alone. I didn't want for Sofia to get in trouble for my clumsiness again. I was ambushed by bandits, but I saw them coming. One of them I could take down without a problem, even though he was so much bigger than me, but the Argonian, the fellow archer…

He got few hits on me before I could even find him from amongst the tall grass. He was so far away too, he was really accurate. I managed to dodge most of his shots, but he only needed to hit me two times to get the better of me. I wasn't able to regain my composure, I wasn't able to do anything against him. I never had a chance. He stole my weapon, stripped me naked, and he… I don't even want to say it…

I just can't believe it. My virginity, stolen by some bandit lowlife. I always thought my first time would be something more glamorous, something romantic, but I guess that's never going to happen now. He took me standing up, gave it to me from behind. It hurt, a lot, but only for a while from being stretched out so badly. All that was left was a similar, strange, tingly sensation I've felt from touching myself, except it was much more intense. My arms, my shoulders and my back though, they felt uncomfortable because of the position he was doing me from. He reached deeper than I thought was even possible… Gods, why am I even describing this! It was horrible! He raped me for crying out loud!

And after he was done, he just left me laying on the ground. After using me so violently, he just dumped me. What did he even see in me? Was it just about domination? I've never felt so used, yet so unwanted and worthless at the same time… I suppose I should be glad he didn't try to capture me like those vampires did… Who knows what would've happened to me if he did.

I simply ran home, white stuff still dripping down my leg. I hope I'm not pregnant now. Can a Breton even get pregnant from an Argonian? I hope not… I can't even imagine what the child between a lizard and a human would look like.

Now, I'm not too excited about becoming an adventurer anymore. If I can't even beat a stupid bandit, maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Last Seed, 31th, 4E 201

Oh gods, what have I done?

I couldn't get any sleep. It was already past midnight. My thirst for blood was so unbearable. I snuck next to Dorthe's bed, and I… I bit her neck. She didn't wake up, she didn't even flinch…

I've never felt anything like it. Her skin was so soft, my teeth sank into her flesh like it was butter. It filled me with warmth, and the sense of relief… It was so tasty, unlike anything I've ever tasted before. Will I ever feel anything like that again?

I know I shouldn't have done it, I feel so guilty, but what choice I had? The people would surely start suspecting me of being a vampire if I show too many visual signs, and if I don't get blood, I will start to change visually. They already comment me on looking pale and sickly from time to time. I just had to do it, for my own sake.

Maybe I can catch some sleep now?

Last Seed, 31th, 4E 201

I feel better, but still weak in the sun. I truly have become a creature of the night. At least it's bearable now, I suppose. I need to find an alternative way of getting blood though, since I can't risk biting necks of the people who have helped me. They'd burn me alive if they found out about my true nature.

On that topic, Sofia actually told me that she heard me waking up and followed me in secret. She saw what I did. I hadn't told her that I'm a vampire, it was shocking to her, but she promised to keep it secret. She didn't care, she didn't think any less of me. She even said that I can take her blood when needed, but begged for me to "please be careful not to accidentally kill me", a request I will do absolutely everything in my power to honor. Sofia also insists that she must travel with me from now on. I'm just afraid I might get her into trouble again, or even worse! She's such a lovely and a valuable friend, I would never want to hurt her, especially not after her supporting me today!

Nevertheless, I don't feel ready yet… Not after being defiled yesterday by that filthy bandit. I need more training, more time to prepare. I can't let it happen again, not to myself, not to Sofia, not to anyone. I might've gotten lucky, he might've released me, but who knows what the next one will do if he gets the better of me. If I were to be captured, enslaved… I doubt there's much anyone would do to help me, a lone, worthless orphan… They have their worries about dragons, about war… Why would they concern themselves with a kid like myself? It's not a kind world out there.

I have to try again, I have to get better at this and be independent somehow. There's no other choice. If I stay here, they'll eventually find out about me and kill me. Between that and dying in the wilderness, well… I'm not going to just roll over and let these guards butcher me!

Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201

Today I took the road up the mountain to scout the way to the Bleak Falls Barrow, found some bandits holed up in their little ruined tower, and there he was, the same filthy Argonian was there with his friends. Seeing him made me anxious at first, what if he was going to rape me again? Still, I wanted revenge, and I took a big risk.

Lo and behold, they all lie dead! Oh sweet, sweet revenge. You can't even believe how satisfying it was smash his stupid face in with my heel so bad not even his mother would recognize him anymore.

I didn't tell Sofia I was gonna do this. I had to do it myself. I learned a thing or two about being more careful, about trying to always get the first strike… I have to study being sneakier and stealthier, maybe even learn to use night to my advantage.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna finally go to the Bleak Falls Barrow. Me and Sofia have been waiting for this day for a long time. It'll be our graduation test. Either we conquer those ruins, or we die trying. If we can't get through this, we don't deserve to call ourselves adventurers.

Heartfire, 2nd, 4E 201

My dearest, sweetest diary, forgive me for I'll jump straight into the conclusion of my long day full of adventure and wonder: I think I'm a Dragonborn.

I've heard stories and legends about those born with the dragon blood. The Emperors used to all be Dragonborn too. Could I really be like them? Well considering everything that has happened to me today, maybe it's not just speculation on my part.

It all started in the morning, when I finally took to the Bleak Falls Barrow with Sofia. There were a lot of bandits holed up in there in search of the treasure, but something told me that they were all complete and total amateurs… Not that I'm in any kind of position to judge their abilities considering my inexperience and recent failures. I managed to catch most of them by surprise with Sofia, we fought together very well. One on one it's always hard, but if I manage to sneak up on them and always take one out, we'll always have a tremendous advantage. Sofia is very good with a great sword too, so I don't have to worry about getting up close and personal with my foes.

Then, we found the thief, caught in a web weaved by the largest, ugliest Frostbite Spider I have ever seen. It had claimed many lives already, but it was in a vulnerable state. The spider was clearly injured. It was a tough fight, and poison weakened both of us, but we managed to kill it. We weren't too keen on helping the bandit who had stolen the claw, so we killed him. I have a feeling he would've done the same if the roles were reversed.

From that point onward, we mostly fought Draugr and Skeletons. They were even less of a challenge than the bandits well, for the most part anyway. Some of them didn't die so easy. It all culminated with us actually finding our way into the main chamber, to which the golden claw was a key. It wasn't hard to figure out how the door worked. There we had one final challenge, a Draugr stronger, nastier and meaner than the ones before. It could even use its voice as a weapon. We retrieved the Dragonstone from it, but it didn't end there…

You see, there was this big, curved wall with ancient carvings on it, on a language unknown to us. Sofia had no idea what it was, but I could hear it whisper to me. I understood what it said. "Fus", it read, meaning "Force". I wasn't sure at the time what it meant, I wasn't sure how exactly how it affected me, but something had awoken in me.

First, I returned the claw to the trader. Then, I gave the Dragonstone to Farengar. And then, things suddenly got interesting. A dragon had attacked outskirts of Whiterun and the Jarl dispatched his troops. Me and Sofia were asked to help. With many of us fighting that beast, we were sure we'd take it down.

It wasn't easy or anything like that, it took down few of Jarl's men, but after it was wounded to the point of not being able to fly anymore, killing it was actually surprisingly quick. I already spoiled the surprise earlier, but I found out I'm a Dragonborn when I absorbed power from it. One of the guards called me Dragonborn then and there. I didn't believe it myself at first, but after I figured out how to use that "Fus" word I had just learned, I realized… Yeah, it's real. This is real. I wasn't dreaming, it wasn't a fluke.

Word spread quickly about the dragon being dead, and I guess the appearance of the Dragonborn was also made known to the world. As I entered Whiterun, I could actually hear a thundering roar from above, someone speaking. I later learned that they were the Greybeards. I've heard about them. They're some old men living on top of some mountain, I don't know, never really cared too much about them prior to this. They were talking to me, I was told by the Jarl. They were summoning me to visit them. Will I go? Of course I will. If not anything else, it'll make for a fun memory, but above everything else, I'm hoping to learn something from them during my visit.

• 2nd Journal - Destined