JoS/Kanna/5th Journal - Escape

Hearthfire, 3rd, 3E 427

Every day those damn priests come down here and treat me like I'm some kind of crazy person. They talk using simple, polite words, they avoid saying anything that could upset me, and they talk a lot about the Nine. They ask me about my feelings and my experiences, but my answers rarely satisfy them. If I tell them I'm feeling fine, they tell me I'm not okay. When I tell them I'm going to get over all that abuse, they doubt my words, saying nobody can truly get over things like that. However, even when I say that I'm not feeling fine, that I'm miserable, that I deserve freedom, they offer nothing but comforting words. Words, words, words, it's always just empty, meaningless words.

So, what I did, was put on my best possible customer service smile. You know the one when you go to the local inn, and the friendly barkeep in a pretty brown linen blouse smiles at you, asking if you would like to have anything to drink. I asked them, how do you think it feels to be a sex slave and treated like a worthless fucking piece of meat for MONTHS? That's essentially what they're asking me! Oh, but the priests shouldn't worry, for I don't really care what they think.

All I want is answers. Yes, answers! Why am I still here when I've done nothing wrong? Their answer is that they don't know, and it's not their place to make that decision. I know they've been talking to guards too, so why is it so god-damn hard to just tell me what the guards have been saying to them? Oh, but I've got more questions, like "when" for example. When am I getting out? Again, just pointless drivel, no promises, no nothing. I ask them about my brother too. Nothing.

At least nothing was better than what I was told yesterday. I asked about Karim as usual, and the two priests just looked at each other with those vapid eyes of theirs, and then one of them replied to me. "Kanna, I know you're not ready to hear this, but you need to accept that your brother is dead."

I stood up in a rage and screamed at him not to lie to me, while the pair of priests tried to calm me down. He said that my brother had been killed with others in the bandit raid, and there's no reason for me to believe that he's alive anymore. Obviously, I punched that priest right in the nose. I didn't even know I was capable of doing such harm. I'm glad I did, as that disfigured bloody potato suits him much better. I screamed more, I screamed my heart out. My brother is alive, I know it! He's out there somewhere, he just has to be! The guards were looking for him too for the longest time and interrogated me about him, and now you mean to just tell me that he died in that raid along with the others!? The audacity!

My actions didn't go unpunished, but I didn't care. The guards came for me, asking what in Oblivion was I doing. They put me in cuffs and dragged me out from the children's facility to the actual prison, where they threw me into a small and damp cell, locking the door. Before they left, they told me that they'd come to pick me up when I'd calmed down, and said that they were expecting a full apology from me. Did they get one from me? Hahaha, nope! I don't regret punching that swindler in the face.

In my silent solitude, I managed to calm down, but the whole situation was making me mad nonetheless. I can't understand why I'm STILL being kept in this prison against my will. Have I not suffered enough injustice already? And why would they even lie to me? He's my brother, my only family, and they lie to me about him being dead! I KNOW he didn't die that night, and I KNOW he's not so weak as to let himself die on the road.

Maybe they do know about him, maybe they're just not telling me the truth. They're hiding something from me for sure. At least those rapists were honest enough to say they don't give a shit about my brother.

And if that all was not enough, there was someone else in the prison as well. A Dark Elf, to be specific, never got the chance to know his name. He was asleep when I came, so I had no idea he was even there, but when he woke up, he was giggling to himself about something incoherent like a god-damned maniac. The guy must be seriously sick in his head. He saw me when he walked up, right behind the bars, and spoke to me from his own cell.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't a pretty little brown girl, alone and so far away from home. Where's your mommy and daddy? Did they forget to pick you up when they set sail back to Hammerfell? Maybe they've sailed away all the way to the Far Shores, hmm?"

I wasn't going to let his taunts get to me, and I surely wasn't going to tell him that my parents are indeed long dead. I bet he would've just been a dick about it, and I didn't care to get angry about it. The less he talked about my family, the better. Oh, but he wasn't done with trying to annoy me.

"Oh, who am I kidding. I know your story, Redguard. I know what they used to do to pretty little girls like yourself. Raped like a cheap whore, treated as a slave. No, you're less than a slave. You're an animal. Bet you liked that, hmm? I hear they trained their little sex slaves well, and I also heard you all liked it. You included, you dirty little harlot. I bet, even now, it's unbearable. That slutty, used little cunny of yours must be getting so wet from just the words I speak to you. You want dick so bad, don't you? I'm going to give it to you soon enough, little girl. That's right, I'm going to rape you the first chance I get…"

I think he settled down after that when we heard steps coming from upstairs. It was a false alarm though, as nobody else was coming for us, but he was too bored to taunt me anymore after that. Me not entertaining him by getting mad must've bored him. Better that way, I suppose, as I didn't really have the energy to get angry at him.

Sometime later, when I couldn't see the sun shining down from behind the bars anymore, the guards came to retrieve me and reminded me to behave myself in the future. "If you continue misbehaving", one of them said, "you're only gonna make it worse for yourself."

I decide what's best for me, but sure, I'll try to not get mad anymore…

Hearthfire, 6th, 3E 427

I was sitting down on a chair with a guard keeping watch on me. It was upstairs. They have to make special arrangements for me now as the guards and the priests are worried I might lash out again, which is why they brought me out from the jail for this one special occasion. It was there that I happened to overhear chatter coming from the office.

There was a batch of letters from Morrowind, mostly official business, but among them was something that made the new commander of the prison wonder out loud, "what's a personal letter like this doing in the bunch". Courier explained it being a letter from a prisoner's immediate family member, and it had been authorized to be sent directly to that prisoner by some big shot who runs the Legion in that area. Obviously, since the letter is from Morrowind, there's just no way the letter could've been for me, right?

"The letter seems to be meant for Kanna", the courier said. "Is there a prisoner by that name here?"

"Aye, she's a troublesome kid."

I realized at that moment that this letter HAD to be from my brother. It first made my heart sing in joy, but only for a small fleeting moment before it all came tumbling down to desperation and anger. The commander began his following sentence with a heavily-spoken "Wait". I then heard him ask the courier if the letter indeed had been sent from a family member, to which the courier confirmed yes, really. "From a young man named Karim, probably her older brother."

"Darn it… He escaped to Morrowind?"

"What do you mean, sire?"

"Kanna always keeps going on about her brother, who she insists is innocent and a good person, but there are multiple bounties on his head. He's a bandit, what remains of the Blackhawk Bandits to be specific."

"You mean that bunch of looters, murderers, and rapists who used to terrorize Hammerfell for many years?"

"Yeah, them. Based on the testimonies given by the captive bandits we interrogated, he was the young prodigy everyone thought was destined to make it big."

I couldn't take it anymore, so I bolted up, even despite the guard on my side realizing by now I must've overheard the discussion, even though I wasn't supposed to. He tried to stop me, and he shouted at me angrily to stay put and not do anything stupid, but all I wanted was that letter in my hands. I tried to approach the commander, but the guard stopped me and picked me up. I demanded to see the letter, and I screamed at him for daring to lie to me. "That damn priest told me that he was dead! I was right to punch him!"

"Stop making this worse for yourself, you little shit", the guard said while I was struggling with all of my might. It didn't matter how much I tried. He was able to apprehend me with ease. All my attempts were in vain. I continued to plead to the commander in tears, saying that I must read that letter. I have the right to read it, for it's from my only family. It didn't matter because he simply told the guards to take me away, back to solitary confinement in that same god-damn cell again.

Oh, but things were about to get a lot worse.

I wrote about that filthy, rude Dark Elf taunting me from the opposite side of the prison, and today he proved to me that they weren't just simple taunts anymore. He didn't say a word. He simply just nibbled about with that lock to his prison cell. I didn't think much of it until he actually opened it. There was a lockpick in his hands, and he was grinning from ear to ear, reminding me what he had promised me last time. "I told you", he sang as he started working with the lock to my cell. "I'm gonna rape you, and then I'm gonna kill you."

I watched in horror, wondering whether I should scream or not? I didn't doubt him for a moment, for he could've very well been a child-murderer on top of being a child-rapist. I mean, he must've been serving a life sentence here for a reason!? But what could I even do with my hands tied together with these cuffs!? I warned him not to come any closer, but he was simply delighted by my fear. "Oh, just scream if you like", he said. "Nobody will hear us, so scream your heart out."

My only chance was trying to escape when he opened the door, but he stopped me. He was far too strong for me to do anything against him. He simply pushed me down to the ground where a single bedroll was lying around, and his hands ripped through my tattered prison clothes. I had already conditioned myself to the idea that I wouldn't be raped in this prison ever again, that I wouldn't face any more abuse like that, so the thought of this scumbag doing it to me put me in a state of utter despair. I could do nothing to stop him from forcing his cock into me.

He raped me from behind as I laid naked with my face rubbing against the uncomfortable bedroll. I didn't even feel like resisting at that point. I was angry, but I was also crying due to not being able to do anything. He pulled my hair, pinched my nipples, and toyed around with my clit, still taunting me through the whole thing, saying things like "I knew you would like it". He was also saying that he never believed he would be able to rape a child ever again, not after his last victim. He called me so helpless, so weak, so pathetic… That's really how I was feeling at the moment myself.

He came inside me after about five to ten minutes of raping me and pulled out laughing, saying he's been saving that load for me, but reminded me not to worry about being pregnant with his baby. He said he would soon strangle me to death, talking something about how he just enjoys watching the life drain from the eyes of his victims.

Having rolled to my back, I noticed something. These cuffs were giving away after me struggling all the time, and I could feel my hands getting looser. I continued to struggle, thinking I would be able to get free. He just warned me to stop struggling and to take his cock again, and surely enough, that's precisely what he did. Thrusting his hip up and down on top of me, that thing just continued to grind against me. I guess he didn't realize that I had freed my hands though. Oh, but he was going to find out soon enough.

Deciding it was time to put a stop to his idiocy, I used all the magicka I could muster to bind a dagger from Oblivion to our mortal world and was awarded this weapon for a short amount of time. With my thumb resting on its pommel and the blade emerging from the back-side of my fist, I just punched my hand forward with one quick slice guiding the blade through his throat. His blood splattered all over my body and face, and he tried to scream in agony, rolling to his back beside me. I just climbed on top of him and finished the job, driving the dagger straight through his heart repeatedly.

I had just killed a man. It was in self-defense, yes, but did it matter to me? No. I felt happy and proud. I felt strong having defended myself. It felt scary at first, but the idea of being able to control the situation enough to protect myself made me feel exhilarated.

The commotion had alerted the guards - surprising they only came down after they realized something was wrong with HIM - and they were horrified at what they saw. By then, the dagger had long returned to whatever realm it came from, so there was no murder weapon left behind. They asked me what had happened, not suspecting me of anything at first, and I lied. Yes, I lied, and they ate up my lies like a piece of freshly baked sweetroll.

"He came to my cell and raped me", I explained, "and then someone just came in and killed him."

"Who is this someone? Where is he?"

"I don't know", I said, shaking my head. "I thought he was one of you guards."

"Could she have done this herself?" the other guard suggested. "Let's search the cell. The murder weapon could still be here."

As they put me back in chains and searched the room and all the tattered clothes thoroughly, the other guard said it still doesn't explain how that man got to my cell. I pointed at the lockpick on the floor, and they inspected it. Obviously, it wasn't the murder weapon either, as the wound on his neck and heart were way too big for a small tool like that. Besides, the lockpick wasn't even bloodied. They found nothing, which is why they couldn't really pin me killing that man on me. Guess they have no idea about my talent for Conjuration? Oh, the fools… Then again, even if they had found something, I killed him in self-defense, so can they really blame me for killing a man who raped me and threatened to end my life?

They didn't let me return to my actual cell and instead decided that it would be best to relocate me to another cell where I could be alone. That's what the priest suggested anyway, saying that something traumatic happened to me, so the guards should accommodate to my needs. They interviewed me for about two hours before they finally left me alone, which is where I'm now writing this, fresh out from a bath.

Still, I can't get my brother out of my head. He's in Morrowind, isn't he? Moreover, is he safe now? I mean, if the Legion thinks he's a criminal, and if they know he's there, he must be in trouble… I wish there were a way for me to get out of here…

Hearthfire, 8th, 3E 427

I woke up in the middle of the night to a sound of a hooded man dressed in a black robe speaking to me. All I could see was the outline of his eerily smiling, pale face on the other side of the bars. He wasn't whispering, but his voice was deep and pronounced as he said I was sleeping rather peacefully for a killer. He was urging me to stand up and face him. I was confused, and to be honest, a little bit scared too, but figuring out it was in my best interest to what I was told.

He introduced himself as Lucien Lachance, a Speaker for the Dark Brotherhood. I've heard of them, just legends though, but those words were enough to scare me, as I thought he was coming for my life next as a punishment for killing that criminal. Like, I genuinely thought I had pissed off the wrong people and was going to pay! All that fear was just multiplied when he went on to describe me as a killer in his own words. It was only when I asked him what he wanted from me that he was able to put my mind a little bit at ease.

"You may not know this, but that man you killed was marked for death; not by the Empire, but rather by a contract for the Dark Brotherhood. It may have been in self-defense on your part, my child, but your work, your deathcraft… It pleases the Night Mother. You lured him into a false sense of security and struck from out of nowhere. Therefore, I have come to you with an offer to join us."

"Why" was the first word that sputtered out from my mouth, but it quickly turned into "How" as I realized that this was it. This was the opportunity for me to escape! Unlawfully, yes, but I'm tired of waiting for answers! I didn't even hesitate to take on the opportunity, even if it meant joining a religious cult of murderers and assassins!

He explained to me that he is willing to let me go on a simple condition, which is for me to kill another man marked for death by the Dark Brotherhood, a man by the name of Rufio. This was to serve as my initiation ritual and a test to see if I truly have what it takes to murder someone, not just kill them in self-defense. It's not something I've ever done or even thought about doing, but my line of thinking at the time was simple: it's my price of freedom, so why not? Despite this, I was still hesitant, and my silence and inability to articulate a response forced him to speak once more and say that Rufio really, really deserves to die.

"It's not like us to question what our targets did to deserve death, but if it all motivates you, Rufio is the same kind of man that Valen Dreth was. You know, the man that assaulted you…" He then offered me a blade, or rather, a murder weapon, a traditional cross-guard dagger crafted from ebony. I stared at it for a long time, and he just waited for my answer, quietly. I asked him, will I be rewarded, to which he simply replied "Yes". And he also had a question of his own, as he suggested I clearly have something in my mind.

"I just fear", I admitted, "that if I join your Brotherhood, I won't be able to help my brother."

"Your brother?"

"The truth is, he and I, we're both innocent, yet the Legion is after him, and yet I'm here in jail without the guards even telling me when I'll be getting out… He's in Morrowind, that's all I know, and now the Legion has caught wind of him. I need to be able to reach him somehow to make sure he's going to be safe…"

He opened the door and extended his hand to me. "We may be a band of remorseless assassins and homicidal cutthroats, but we are also a family. Once you join us, you will be our sister, part of our family. We look out for our families, and we will do what we can to help our youngest sister if that is what she desires."

After that, he led me outside, where I was finally able to taste freedom once more. Yes, freedom! I haven't been outside in what feels like an eternity. I had forgotten how pleasant the sounds of nature are, how good the wind feels on my skin, the smells of flowers and the dew on the leaves, and how beautiful the night sky is… It was all before me once again, having been allowed to escape the Imperial City prison.

However, even as a free woman, I knew I wouldn't be able to survive on my own, not without any food or money, not without a guardian or a home… Having decided to go down this road of being an outlaw, I allowed Lucien to lead me to where I would be tested and initiated to the Dark Brotherhood.

Inn of Ill Omen, where I was led for my kill, isn't too far from the Imperial City. It's down the road south to Bravil. He took me there on horseback, and we arrived at the break of dawn. I was tired, yes, but excitement and anxiety kept me going as my heart began to pump harder and harder. Finally, I entered the inn alone.

It was empty, which was lucky for me. I could hear the innkeeper working at the back, but I wasn't going to make my presence known. Instead, I supposed that it'd be best for me to just look for Rufio, who was a guest at the inn. Not too many guests were there, so I had no trouble locating my victim in the cellar.

Rufio was awake, and when he realized that he was in the presence of a little girl, he got nervous. I could see it in his eyes when he eyed my body through my prison clothes up and down. He was someone genuinely attracted to me, attracted to those like me, an adult man with a lust for children. It was like he was trying to hide the fact that being face to face with a child was exciting him, but his body language couldn't conceal his true feelings. I may welcome such attraction if it comes my way, but only if your feelings come from the place of love and care. Rufio's attraction towards me knew no love.

I pulled on my neck-hole to flash my chest to him, pulling on it really hard, and I asked him, "would you like to do me as you did the other girls you've assaulted?"

He claimed he didn't know what I was talking about, and I could see him staring at my nipple. It was a sight to see, considering that he looked simultaneously like he was ready to assault me and tell me to get out. The realization of what was going down settled in with him when I flashed him what I was wielding in my other arm, the dagger that was handed to me by Lucien. He then started making excuses, saying he didn't mean to, saying that she struggled, that he tried to make her just stay still but she didn't listen! I approached him, and he tried to run away, but he had nowhere to run. I attacked him, wounding him on the first hit despite him trying to block my attack and then injuring him with the next. He begged for me to spare him and finally tried to attack me thinking he could tackle me to the ground, but I was able to plunge the dagger through his chest when he did. It was not an effective murder by any means as he was shouting for help before he died, but I managed to kill him nonetheless.

I could hear steps approaching as someone was running downstairs, and I looked for somewhere to hide as quickly as possible. I could hear someone shouting in horror at the door, shouting that he would call the guards, alert the nearby patrol. I was lucky that he didn't try to search the room - guess he was spooked and afraid he could be killed himself - and I was quick to escape the inn unnoticed. The innkeeper was already running down the road, looking for anyone he could alert this crime to, and never looked back to confirm my identity.

After that, Lucien congratulated me on my kill and told me that he'd travel to Cheydinhal with me, where the Dark Brotherhood sanctuary is located. It's a safe haven for the assassins of their family. That's where I'm now and where I'm going to be hiding for a while. Legion can't find me here. No outsider can.

I've been kindly welcomed, given food, clothes, and a real bed. I almost felt like crying from how kindly they welcomed me into their family, as I hadn't met this level of kindness in ages. For a bunch of assassins, they're really lovely people! As for that bed, oh, it was so amazing. I haven't slept in a real bed since I left my home in Nimbel Moor, and I was so tired too. I slept through the evening, then the night too, and much of the morning too. It felt so good to be able to wake up without feeling tired.

I'm a little scared of going on to meet with others… Yeah, they seemed nice, and I was told by that Argonian lady that they're all eager to get to know me. I'm in no hurry, luckily, and I didn't even have to go seek food, as they left warm bread along with orange juice and a pear on my table. It was like I was eating mother's breakfast all over again.

I'm not quite sure what will happen next, but for what it's worth, they're going to help me find my brother. It's a shame I never got to read that letter he sent me, but now I got a chance to send a letter of my own. I'm not even sure what I will write. Like, do I just tell him the truth and tell him I'm safe? Lucien said it'll be delivered to him for sure. Well, regardless of what kind of letter I'll write, I just hope it'll reach him, as I really want to be finally reunited with him now that I'm free as well.

Hearthfire, 9th, 3E 427

I really enjoyed myself today. It's like, I was in the presence of friends, and only friends. Even that one rude guy I met didn't seem so bad compared to the other assholes I've had to deal with. In fact, why won't I write about him first?

His name is M'raaj-Dar, and in case the name doesn't make it obvious, he's a Khajiit. He didn't talk like a typical bipedal cat though, no "Khajiit this, Khajiit that"… Is that mean of me to say? Actually, I don't think I care! He called me a "foul-smelling ape", so I suppose he does kind of deserve some ridicule from me as well! You don't tell a young girl that she smells bad, and you do NOT compare me to a monkey!

Anyway, he's the local merchant, but also an assassin in his own right. He revealed to me that he was the one who was supposed to kill Valen Dreth, and said that he was looking forward to it too, saying he'd never forgive me for taking that kill from him. I don't see why he would take it so personally… I mean, that elf didn't just rape me, he threatened to kill me! What was I supposed to do? Die? I really don't understand what this guy's problem is.

Oh, but why worry about the bad apples when everyone else here is so lovely, like the person who handles the day-to-day operations, Ocheeva, an Argonian woman. I thought Lucien was in charge of this place, but this kind lady explained that he's often busy and therefore rarely present, which is why she works as his replacement most of the time. That's fine, I suppose, as Ocheeva promised that I'm welcome here nonetheless. She's also got a twin brother named Teinaava, who seemed like a nice guy. Didn't get to share too many words with him though, apart from him being proud of his sister's success and having high confidence in me and my future contributions to the family.

As for other members, there's Antoinetta, who's a real babble mouth. Based on her personality, it's almost impossible to believe that she could be an assassin. She seems like the kind of mother who really likes to spoil her kids. Gogron is an Orc, also doesn't look like an assassin, not with all that heavy plate armor. He says he doesn't need to be sneaky, and I suppose that makes sense when you're good enough. Vicente is a vampire. Yes, really. He handles the contracts, and while he seems nice, he seems overly polite and professional, so I haven't got to know him too well on a personal level yet.

Lastly, there's Telandril, a young Bosmer in her late teens or early twenties. She's pretty, like really pretty. When I grow up, I want to have curves just like hers! Like Antoinetta, it's hard to believe that someone with her personality could be an assassin. It was with her and Lucien that I talked with at length regarding my brother. Telandril travels on the road a lot, being a masterful hunter and a scout that she is, and said that she's glad to help me.

Now, let's actually talk about that letter. Lucien wants to help me reach my brother, but there are certain kinds of, let's just say, "security measures" we must adhere to. For example, it couldn't reveal important or detailed information about who we were and where I was, just in case it would fall into the wrong hands. While frustrating, it's also understandable, so I'm not going to protest. Lucien let me write the letter personally, but I only used his words, none of mine. He wanted me to write him a letter and to include some kind of unique identification that would prove my identity to the recipient. I'm not sure if Karim recognizes my handwriting, so this was necessary. I had a perfect idea for that.

If we have to be secretive, then the letter can't read it's from me. Instead, I wrote down the name of our pet dog back from Nimbel Moor as the sender. I'm sure he'll figure out it was from me after realizing "Mutton" couldn't have sent him a letter from beyond the grave.

The plan is for Telandril to try and find out information about where my brother could be and to deliver a letter to him personally. This letter will have instructions for how he can find me. Lucien says that she's the best of the best when it comes to gathering information and should find my brother in no time. I hope he's right, as my brother could be in trouble with the law.

I've given Telandril information about how my brother looks, or how I think he looks. He could've changed a little by now. He's a growing, young teenage man after all…

M'raaj-Dar is gonna help too, which I - or him for that matter - aren't too happy about. Help is help still, and I know he's a professional, albeit a bit rude. His role is to wait for my brother somewhere safe, so he can bring him to me, or me to him, depending on the situation.

What's my future then? First, I have to train a little, which is fine. They recognize my talents for magic and certain other useful skills I possess, but I really need to learn how to handle a weapon. I'm an assassin, after all, and sometimes summoning a Daedra to do my bidding just isn't gonna cut… Not that I can do anything that advanced yet. Or maybe I can? I haven't tried yet.

As for what comes after it's time for me to meet my brother, we're not quite sure yet. There are two possibilities: Either I'll stay here, or I'll go to Morrowind myself. Lucien says that their branch of Dark Brotherhood is always looking for skilled young recruits but also said that the work there might be more dangerous thanks to the Brotherhood not having as strong a foothold in all parts of that region. They have a sanctuary in the city of Almalexia, but that's about it. There's also a base in Vvardenfell for the Brotherhood, but no sanctuary.

For now, I have to focus on training. I also have much to learn about this organization. I do owe them my freedom, and they're helping me so much as well. I don't even expect money in return at this point. I'm just happy to be somewhere I feel welcome. I'm not sure if a conjurer like myself will find this work easy, but we'll see!

• 6th Journal - Undercover (By Kanna)