A Life Worth Living
This is an entry in the ATF Story Writing Contest 2024/II. The story is posted by the organizer. The actual author of the story will remain anonymous until at least the end of the contest.
The original author of this story wishes to emphasize that this is a fictional story and not intended to encourage the acts described. The behavior below should only be explored within the realms of fantasy.
A Life Worth Living
“You can’t be serious about this!” said Alec as he stormed into my office. “If we learned anything from the animal trials it’s that there isn’t any way…” he started ranting, but I raised my hand to silence him. “Alec” I said calmly with a little playful smile on my face “back when those wimps at MIT were writing their little articles in their pretentious journals about how time travel could never be achieved, what did we show them?” Alec shook his head and rolled his eyes at me “That it could be done” he conceded reluctantly. “Exactly” I said as I slammed my flat hand on the desk in front of me. “And when we were able to prove that we could successfully send an animal back in time, and…” I raised my finger for dramatic effect “…and that we could track their vital signs for up to a week. What did we prove to the world there, my dearest Alec?” My faithful assistant slumped down in one of the two chairs opposing my desk. “That it could be done sir…” he said, unhappy to see the point I was making.
I stood up and walked behind him “That it COULD… in fact… be done!” I said as I slapped my arms on his shoulders. I sat down on my desk, right in front of Alec “So when I tell you that I’ve got a way to get back from the past, why can’t you just believe me?” I asked, pretending to be a little hurt by the lack of faith. “Sir it’s just that the science…” Alec started to ramble. “Yada yada yada” I said as I cut him off while making dismissive gestures with my hands. “We’re here to push the boundaries of science Alec. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 25 years and that’s why I need to be the first human to not only travel back in time successfully, but to come back and tell the scientific community about it.”
Alec shook his head again, clearly not happy with my decision, but seemingly realizing that my mind was made up. He sighed heavily before continuing to speak “Well sir, if you’re hellbent on doing this, pardon my French, could you at least tell me more about where you’re planning on going?” I bit my lip and stroked my chin trying to figure out if that was a good idea. Out of all the people I worked with I probably liked Alec the most, and so I decided that if I was going to tell someone about my plan, it might as well be him. He’d find out the time and date I’d be sent to right before the jump would happen anyway.
“I’ll be going to August 14th, 1997. It’ll be exactly 8PM on a rainy Thursday evening right near the northern edge of Wilmington.” I said with a precision that betrayed my level of planning. “What?” asked Alec, visibly getting more worked up again “I know we’ve made promising strides with the last few animal jumps, but that is a good two years beyond our furthest successful launch!” I sat down behind my desk again and opened a drawer that was locked with a combination lock. I took out a plaque, that held a yellowed piece of old newspaper inside. “Alec” I said with a serious undertone in my voice “Do you remember why I started this company all those years ago?” He nodded, of course he knew. “Yes sir, you believed time travel would serve as a tool to allow us to correct mistakes in the past, improving the present.” I nodded solemnly. “Of course by now we’ve more or less established that although it’s possible to travel back in time, any changes made don’t seem to alter our current timeline, ultimately defeating the purpose of why I started this company.”
A silence fell and while I was focused on the yellow piece of paper I noticed Alec started to fidget in his chair, unable to find something meaningful to say. I continued speaking slowly “But there was a more specific reason why I started this company. Back on August 15th, 1997 I was living in Wilmington and I saw this article in the paper that broke my heart. It was about an 8-year old girl that had killed herself. Jumped into a river and drowned…” I let my hands glide over the plaque while I thought back about that time. Alec straightened his tie as he looked at me with concern “Did you… know her, sir?” he asked. I paused for a moment but shook my head. “Not really, no. It just hit me to read something like that and it was a big motivation for me starting this company. What if… I thought. What if we could go back in time and talk to a kid like that and prevent her from ending her life.” I put down the plaque as I looked at Alec. “Wow sir, I didn’t… I didn’t know about that.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “Nobody does…” I responded “…but it’s always driven me, especially when things got rough and it looked like the company was going under.” “And you’re gonna try to save this girl?” asked Alec. “Yeah” I said, certain of my ability to do so. Alec deliberated his response a moment before speaking “Well boss I sure don’t understand how you’re gonna pull it off, but I respect you enough to trust you.” I nodded appreciatively as I locked up the plaque again.
I wanted to tell Alec about the impending doom the company was facing, but ultimately decided against it. A branch of the US military had been closely following our progress from the day we proved time travel a possibility, and after years of managing to keep them at bay, it seemed we had finally lost. I had recently been informed that under certain legal pretexts it was now possible for the government to seize control of my company, which would undoubtedly mean a loss of control and autonomy. Alec was right about the risk with a jump this far back. Our first jumps had been mere days into the past and we had slowly worked on extending that range, successfully sending back an animal to June of 1999 a few months back. To suddenly push that boundary to 1997, accompanied by the fact it would be a human making the jump… it was risky. However, keeping in mind that yellowed piece of newspaper, I knew this could well be my last chance to achieve my life’s goal.
On the day of the time travel, ‘the jump’ as we had gotten to calling it during the animal trials, I was surrounded by a handful of my most skilled employees. Alec was there of course, still a nervous wreck, and I noticed him looking at the colored lenses I was wearing. Going back in time to a place where I had been living I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be recognized, even if that was unlikely with how much older my body had grown. I stepped into the chamber and watched as the hatch slowly sealed. There was no family present to send me off. My parents had long passed and I’d spent most of my adult life engulfed in my work, so there was no wife or kids to see me off. The only family member I had was a brother, but we’d been estranged for a long time and it would’ve felt weird to invite him for this.
Really Alec was probably the closed thing I’d manage to have to a real family. I gave him a thumbs up as he was anxiously pacing around the machinery, making sure everything was calibrated just right. They were checking my vitals now, dialing in the machines that allowed them to track me in the same way we’d learned to track the animals. After various failures we had learned how to track their vitals for up to a week, after which we always lost track of them. Either our machinery wasn’t advanced enough to track the signal any longer, or, the more likely scenario, the animals expired after about a week due to the pressures time travel put on their body. That meant that whatever I had planned, I had about a week to do it at most, before I had to get back to the present. Alec gave me a final thumbs up and upon returning the gesture he started to count down on his fingers. I couldn’t hear anything from outside the sealed chamber, but I slowly counted in my head as I saw the number of fingers held up by Alec go down. 4… 3… 2… 1… I braced myself, unsure what was going to happen.
I saw a flash and then darkness. I was conscious and yet I was nowhere. I didn’t see anything, not even in the far distance and although I wanted to move my body I felt like I couldn’t. I figured I should panic, but there was no me to panic. Had I died? Did it fail? Then after what could’ve been hours or possibly seconds I started to hear a faint sound. It sounded like… like… wind almost? Although starting out as a faint noise coming from afar, the noise quickly approached until it reached a volume that I thought might shatter my eardrums. It sounded like a train was coming towards me, barreling at me with an ungodly speed. Even beyond that ear-shattering point it grew, reaching an amount of decibels that I felt would fracture me into a thousand pieces. It became impossible to have thoughts. Then, at the height of the noise a sudden flash again, bright light being the only thing I could perceive, accompanied by a sudden silence. The rapidly growing sound was suddenly gone and replaced by a peaceful silence. As I calmed down from the experience and as I rubbed the bright light from my eyes, familiar sounds started to creep in.
A car driving by in the distance, birds singing, crickets chirping their songs. And I felt… grass. I was laying in grass. Regaining my vision I looked around. After slowly gaining my senses I realized that I had been placed exactly where we’d planned. I jumped up to celebrate this victory, but the sudden movements shot pangs of pain through my body. ‘Ouch, maybe not’ I said to myself, but I was still unable to stop myself from smiling at my success. We’d done it. I’d actually done it. After nearly three decades of slaving away long hours at my desk, dealing with the most obnoxious bureaucrats and coming very close to giving up multiple times, I was now the first person in known history to have successfully travelled back in time.
I stood up again, more slowly this time, and braced myself. After all, getting here was just the first step of what I wanted to do, now I had to find the girl who had started me on my quest. I started to move along the river bank I’d landed beside to find the bridge that the media had claimed she had jumped off. There wasn’t an exact time known, but it had likely happened between 10PM and midnight, which was why I wanted to be here a couple of hours. After a small trek I found the bridge in question and I sat down against a tree stump. Now I just had to wait for the girl to appear. Even though I’d been in decent shape, just walking a short distance had me completely knackered. As I sat and waited I couldn’t stop myself from feeling tired from the toll that time travel had taken on my body. Occasionally closing my eyes for just a moment, it was almost as if I heard that peculiar whistle of the wind in the distance again. Luckily with just opening my eyes and shaking my head I could keep the noise at bay.
After waiting for around an hour and a half, with the sun already nearing the end of her descent, I finally saw a small figure appear on the other side of the bridge. I couldn’t make out her face, but her posture appeared slumped over and she was walking slowly. I scrambled to my feet and felt a bit dizzy as I rose. I tried to rub the stars out of my eyes and started moving towards the girl. The closer I got, the more I saw what a mess she was. Her ginger hair was undone and was tangled up a bit in some places. Moreover her red and puffy eyes betrayed she had been crying, even if her cheeks were dry now. ‘How on earth can a little girl walk around town like that and not be stopped by anyone?’ I thought to myself, trying to approach quickly, without startling the girl. Even though I was clearly in her view, approaching from the opposite side of the bridge, she didn’t seem to notice or acknowledge me, lost in her own world. “Hey” I finally said when I felt I was close enough that she could hear me without me having to raise my voice.
Startled out of her ruminations she looked up at me with a scared look in her eyes, not really responding. “I uh…” I said unsure of myself. I had gone through this scenario a thousand times in my head, but somehow actually being here, talking to her made everything I’d planned to say seem so… mundane. “I’m sorry” I ended up saying with a slight quiver in my voice as I looked at the sorry state she was in. “You seem like a nice girl and I’m sorry you feel bad.” I added. The girl looked at me through her puffy red eyes and only gave me quick shrug. I couldn’t blame her for being unresponsive either. I’d thought about this moment, about her for a long time, actively working to be here, right here, right now. But to her I was just a strange old man. A strange old man with greying hairs, that she’d never seen before in her life. So really, how could she be anything but apprehensive towards me? “Look I know you don’t know me sweetie…” I said, immediately regretting using an endearing term on her “…but you strike me as the kind of girl that likes milkshakes?”.
I tried to be as kind as non-threatening I could be. “I’m sure you’re busy, but if you like them, maybe we can go to the Wendy’s that’s nearby and have one? They always help me feel better anyway.” If I would’ve heard an older man talk to an unknown girl in the street like that, I would’ve for sure thought he was a groomer and I was really hoping I wouldn’t come across as one. Luckily the girl seemed to lighten up a little at the mention of milkshakes. “Sure” came a meek little voice as she was using her wrists to rub the last remainders of her dried tears from her eyes.
We started heading in the direction of the Wendy’s I’d walked past just a few hours prior and I wanted to strike up a conversation. ‘So what are you doing out here’ was the first thing that came to mind but I decided that would be a horrible thing to ask. I knew why she’d come here. Thinking about that yellow crumpled piece of paper I had in my back pocket, I knew exactly what she would have done just now if I hadn’t shown up. “I like your shirt.” I ended up saying to strike up a conversation. She looked down at her orange shirt with a cartoon character on it and tried to straighten out the crumples as soon as I mentioned it. “No it’s silly” she said, seemingly embarrassed. “No way” I said “It’s really not silly, why do you say that?” She shrugged again and said “It’s for kids…”
While still walking I tilted my head involuntarily, finding it curious that she, a kid, was embarrassed for wearing a shirt made for kids. “Well I think it’s cool anyway.” I reassured her “Who is the character on the front?”. It turned out to be the heroine of a cartoon she liked and she was telling me all about it as we neared the Wendy’s. I couldn’t really follow the plot at all, but I was glad to have her talking about something she enjoyed. She got progressively less sad and more animated and by the time we walked inside she seemed to be in much improved spirits.
As we stood in line to order I interrupted her as she couldn’t stop talking about the cartoon and said “It sounds great A…” almost betraying I already knew her name. I scratched my head hoping she hadn’t noticed it and said “Actually what is your name?”. Luckily she didn’t seem to notice my slip and said “Amber, what about you?”. I nodded and held out my hand to her “I’m… Paul. It’s nice to meet you Amber” She shook my hand and it was the first time we made physical contact. Her hand was still a little wet and cold from the rain, but even with the wetness covering it I felt the softness of her skin. I gave her a little bow which made her giggle and then I let go of her hand again. It was almost our time to order, when a little plan popped into my head. “I’m sure you already know this…” I started as I bent over to whisper in her ear. She was a little startled by the suddenness of my motion, but still allowed me near her. “… but the best milkshakes are the ones you make yourself.”
She gave me a sad look, which wasn’t really what I had hoped to accomplish. “I’ve never made milkshakes myself” she whispered back, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground. “You haven’t huh?” I said, squeezing her shoulder softly in an attempt to show her it was okay. “Well I can show you how it’s done, right here!” She now looked at me with disbelief. “We can make our own milkshakes here?” she asked, no longer sticking to a whisper. “Of course” I said, noticing it was our turn to order and walking to the counter. “Hi!” I greeted the lanky girl who manned the till. “I’d like a large version of each of your milkshakes and 8 empty cups to go with it.” The girl looked at me with a disinterest that betrayed the completely lack of passion for her occupation. “You can’t do that” she said, annoyed at the request. “I can’t have empty cups?” I asked surprised. “They’re not free” the girl replied, maintaining the same mixture of indifference and annoyance. “I’ll pay for them” I said as I pulled out a neatly folded wad of cash from my back pocket. I’d taken plenty of it with me as modern credit cards obviously wouldn’t work in the past. The girl still wasn’t convinced but a manager quickly stepped in to graciously accept several of the bills. He even brought the tray with 4 different milkshakes and the cups to our table.
“So” I started while taking all the cups off the tray “The idea is very simple. We have four different types of milkshakes here. Banana, Vanilla, Strawberry and Chocolate. But these flavors are kind of boring and we can do so much better.” Amber was looking at me from the other side of the table with big eyes. I don’t know if she was impressed by big wad of bills I had waved around earlier or if she had just never seen so many milkshakes right in front of her. I motioned at the shakes in front of us “So we’ll have to put our creative skills to the test. Chocolate milkshake? Nah…” I shook my head disapprovingly “But mix the chocolate with a little banana… and voila” I poured a little of each milkshake in an empty cup and stirred it with a straw. When I was finished I pushed the drink towards Amber. “Try it!” I said, crossing my arms in expectation of her reaction. She carefully sucked on the straw and gave me a very dirty look after the combination had gotten into her mouth. “Eeeeew!” she said, having trouble not to spit it out. I made my eyes big and shook my head in an attempt to appear hurt by her outburst. “What milady? You don’t like it? Well you choose two to mix then!” I gestured at the drinks again and after confirming I wasn’t just joking Amber went hard at work creating her own creation. We spent well over an hour making different combinations and trying them out. At one point a young boy had wandered over to our table curious what was going on and Amber had explained to him, in a matter-of-fact way like she’d been doing this all her life, that this was in fact the proper way to enjoy a milkshake.
We cleaned up our mess and left the restaurant. “Paul” she said, suddenly clinging to my arm “I don’t want to go home…”. I saw a desperation in her eyes that betrayed this wasn’t just a ‘I want to have fun together a little longer’. She had something going on at home that seemed to make her fear the place, which made sense to me given the piece of newspaper I had with me. I knelt down next to her “I understand completely Amber, I won’t take bring you home if you don’t want too.” Letting go of my arm she now flung around my neck, nearly making me lose my balance with the sheer force she put behind her hug. A little overwhelmed I put my big arms around her tender little body and hugged her tightly. She didn’t seem to want to let go and after about a minute I had to start loosening her grip. “I saw a motel a little further down the road, so if you want…” I checked to see if there was nobody in earshot to judge us “… if you want we can have a… sleepover there tonight?” She nodded greedily and although I was happy to see her so upbeat I still felt guilty at suggesting it. I mean I knew why I was here, and it was not to take advantage of the little girl, but still to suggest to her to spend a night with me in a motel felt like things were heading in the wrong direction.
After a short walk we arrived at the motel, that was more than happy to take a cash payment for the room. “It’s just you and your granddaughter sir?” asked the slightly overweight man behind the counter. I looked down at Amber, but with her not protesting being called my granddaughter I just nodded to the man. As soon as he looked away I gave Amber a knowing wink and she did her best to wink back, enjoying the little game that seemed to be going on. The man handed me the key to our room and before taking it I asked “And it’s separate beds right?” The man just nodded to confirm, but probably also wouldn’t have thought much of it if it had been a room with a double bed. While walking to our room Amber suddenly held on to my hand. Looking down at her she just smiled at me and then looked away. It seemed she had taken quite a liking to me over the past two hours. Once inside I decided to use the bathroom while Amber explored the bedroom. Coming out of the bedroom again I was a little startled to see she had taken her pants off. I guess she was getting ready for bed and it wasn’t like we had other clothes with us, but the sight still startled me. “Oh uh… I’m sorry” I said, quickly looking away. “You uh, you can sleep with your clothes on if you want.” Amber didn’t really respond and when I looked back at her, she just looked at me confused. I was about to say something about us not knowing each other that well, when my legs drifted down to her now exposed legs.
It pained me to see the marks on her inner thighs, that looked like she had been ravaged by a beast. I mean the little girl was about to jump off a bridge, so young as she was she had likely already gone through her personal hell. To see the little cutie, whom had been having so much innocent fun just 15 minutes ago, with such marks on her body hurt me to my core. “Oh baby…” was all I could stammer, unable to hide the hurt in my voice. She looked down and seemed to understand what I was talking about. “Oh it’s okay Paul!” she said way too chipper, clearly not wanting me to worry. I knelt down and hugged her still clothed upper body. “No baby… It’s really not. He… he shouldn’t have done those things to you…” I felt my eyes tearing up and I just pulled the little girl close and hugged her with all the love I could muster. “I’m not ever gonna… gonna bring you back there” I said as I let go of her and wiped the tears from my eyes. She just stood there kind of… lost, not really understanding my reaction to the marks on her body. I scraped my throat, wiped my face dry with my sleeve and let go of her. “You can sleep in your clothes if you want, or whatever you like really.” She still looked confused “Okay” she simply said.
The sudden emotions had given me a slight headache and I laid down on the bed which was closest to the door. I was still wearing all my clothes and had no intention of taking them off. I was rubbing my temples trying to get my headache to disappear, when the wind-like sound re-appeared. Shaking my head didn’t seem to make it go away either and I had trouble seeing well. My vision seemed to tighten, almost like when you wear diving glasses and they restrict the other edges of what you can see. “Are you okay mister?” said Amber, who had clambered onto the other bed. I tried my best to hide my pain, but my face must’ve betrayed at least some of it. “I can turn off the lights?” she asked unsure of what to do. “Yeah thanks” I said, happy to see she had kept the rest of her clothes on. With the lights off the room was now only lit by the street lantern outside that shone it’s uninvited light through the window’s covers. “Goodnight” came the cute voice from the other side of the room. “Goodnight sweetheart” I said, while still trying to get my headache to calm down. Soon her breathing became rhythmic and I could make out the outline of her little body on the bed as it had drifted off into a calm sleep.
Unable to sleep due to my headache I just replayed the event in the restaurant. She had been so happy and playful when we were making our milkshakes. And then her hug when we walked outside… I was glad to have finally given her some light in her life. I continued replaying the events in my head until we were right here in the motel room. Upon seeing her bruised body again, I bawled my fist. In my fantasy I wasn’t holding back my anger and screamed at seeing the injustice. “How could he do this to you” I asked the little girl. She remained calm in the scene that was playing out in my mind. She softly started speaking, explaining what she’d been through. “It’s okay” she kept reminding me in my fantasy, when in reality it all but wasn’t. Slowly the scene in my mind started to change, and as I drifted asleep I slowly starting to relive her memory. Rather than experiencing this memory through her eyes, I was experiencing it as… her father.
I no longer saw Amber or the motel we stayed in, but instead found myself in a dark hallway. I moved, almost floated to a door in front of me and it sounded like Amber’s voice came from the other side. I reached for the door and somehow it looked familiar to me. ‘This is Amber’s door’ I came to the startling realization. I looked down as the world around me slowly started forming. It was as though I could only focus on the door with everything else around me merely being in my peripheral vision. The objects around me slowly sharpened and soon I was able to see the hallway in which I, or Amber’s dad, stood, clearly. Looking down, I noticed I was naked. And not just naked, but from the size of my penis and the sensation that came from it, it was clear Amber’s dad was horny.
He reached for the doorknob even as I tried to stop my hand from moving. ‘No this isn’t right’ I thought to myself ‘Don’t do this’. But it was clear I had no control over my body. Stepping inside I was greeted by a very young Amber, probably around two years old. I wanted to look away, but the gaze was firmly fixed on the little girl who didn’t seem to think anything of her dad being naked. I wanted to close my eyes, but I had no control over the body I was inhibiting. To my disgust, I felt the sense of arousal in my body rise. ‘No no, it’s sick to expose yourself like this to your little girl’ I thought, becoming increasingly aware of my inability to do anything. “Hey princess” said my voice without me wanting to. “Hey dada” came the cute response. I could feel whatever this man was feeling and yet I couldn’t control the body in any way. The only thing I couldn’t feel or hear, were the man’s thoughts, these seemed to be the only part of my current self in this memory. I was unable to change his actions in any way. I was trapped and all I could do was watch in horror.
My naked body climbed onto the bed the little girl was laying on. Clearly not intending to hide his intentions, I felt my hand wrap around my erect cock as her little body was laying against mine. After giving my exposed member a few tugs, my free hand began exploring her little body. I started by rubbing my hand over her little head and through her curly ginger hair. “Fuck you’re beautiful’ my voice said while not being mine. As the hand explored its way down, I felt the arousal in my body rise again. Letting go of her hair, I rubbed my hand over her exposed shoulders, her small back and ended at her little butt, covered in a fluffy skirt. I gave a squeeze, but it didn’t feel like a playful one. It was a gropey one, clearly crossing any potential boundary she might have and making it feel like I was simply trying out a slab of meat. The hand squeezed again, this time favoring the other little cheek and the little girl squirmed a little, clearly not happy with the focus of attention. ‘Please stop’ I thought to myself, but the hand showed little remorse for its actions and in one quick motion it grabbed the skirt and hiked it over on her back, exposing her little butt even more, now only covered in cute frilly panties.
I am thankful to realize I stop kneading her little ass and I follow my hand as it moves down to her feet. I rub them, tickling Amber a little and she starts giggling, which almost creates a wholesome moment. As if on cue to ruin it however and almost seemingly getting off on the innocence of the girl, the giggles make me stroke a little faster. While the girl is still moving around a little, perhaps from giggling or perhaps trying to escape my exploring touch, my hand starts to move along her slender little legs. Although not in control of the hand I feel the soft insides of her knees, as my firm touch slowly makes its way back to the exposed panties. I place my hand on one of her cheeks and am horrified to see myself give it an even firmer squeeze than before. Not only that, but my thumb casually slips under the panties and I am now holding her entire cheek in my hand. Slowly more and more of my hand disappears into her little panties and although unable to see it, I now sense her little asshole being explored by my thumb. The little girl now starts squirming around even more, trying to keep the invading finger at bay. ‘God please stop’ I beg, well aware that the monster I inhibit is unable to hear me and would ignore me if he could.
As the exploration becomes more aggressive, so too does the squirming of Amber, until she starts thrashing about. I finally am forced to let go of my cock to use my hand to hold the little fighter down. “Stop being a little bitch” I hear the man say as he lets go of her asshole. He sits back up and in one clean movement pulls the girls panties off, exposing both of her very underage holes. The girl starts crying at the undeserved aggression, but no longer trashes about. The man’s emotions are singular. He doesn’t care about her tears. His fatherly instincts do not kick in. He feels only one thing. Lust. Exposing her kiddy holes apparently isn’t depraved enough either, because after discarding the panties the man uses his brutish strength to tear off the rest of the girls clothes. And when I say tear, I mean tear. Griping her cute blue shirt with both hands, he rips it open so her flat chest is exposed to him. The toddler is scared, crying, but the man doesn’t care. He seems to care about one thing. Underage holes…
The following morning I awoke with a shock, quickly moving my arms around to see if I was still dreaming or if I was back in control of my body. Luckily it seemed I was back to myself and the windy sound that had returned last night was gone if at least temporarily. I looked over to see Amber was still sleeping. Having seen what I just saw, seeing that memory of hers even though there was no way she could remember it so vividly… It made me feel even worse for the poor little thing. It was clear that the jump had fucked with my mind and the unexpected side-effect of reliving memories so vividly was something that I had no idea was possible. The experience felt so real, that I woke up with this disgusting feeling I had just now abused Amber. I got up and took a shower, trying to wash the sinful memory away. Getting out of the shower I saw that Amber was now awake. I wanted to hug her so tightly again and just tell her I was sorry for everything that had happened to her and that things would be okay from now on. With her unaware of my peek into her history however, I decided it would be better not to come across as overly emotional right now.
I encouraged Amber to take a shower and while I waited for her to finish I reached in my pocket. Aside from the wad of cash and the piece of newspaper that had started my quest those 30-odd years ago, I had a small piece of paper with an address on it. I read it again, even though I had memorized it a long time ago when I was planning my jump here. I stared at the little paper for a few minutes until Amber came out of the shower with her wet hair on her shoulders. She was dressed, but her shirt was getting wet quickly from her poorly dried hair. I scrambled to put the paper away and walked over to the little girl. I grabbed a towel and used it to dry her hair better than she had done. “Don’t want you catching a cold now!” I said while playfully pushing her around a little. She giggled and then expectantly looked at me as to what was next. “Sit down for a minute Amber” I said as I pointed at the bed. She did as I asked her and gave me her full attention. “I can’t bring you home to your daddy sweetie, so who can I bring you to? Any friends or family?” At the mention of her daddy she got a little sad and visibly more timid again. She just shook her head. “Nobody?” I asked her again. She repeated the shaking of her head. “Not an aunt or an uncle?” I asked.
Now her face lit up a little. “Well, there is aunt May, but she and uncle David live very far away. They can’t really visit, that’s how far it is.” Well at least it was something to work with. “Do you know where aunt May lives?” I asked, trying to coax the information out of her. She seemed to be thinking real hard and the exclaimed ‘Memphis!” I nodded with a smile, I was glad she remembered. “Well I know where Memphis is!” I joined in on her enthusiasm. “I can take you to your aunt if you want?” She looked at me as if I was joking. “Really?” she asked “Yeah, it’s a long drive, but I can take you!”. She flew off the bed and flung around my neck again, getting my shirt a little wet with her still damp hair. We gathered what little items we had with us and enquired at the reception about the nearest car-rental place.
Following the received directions we ended up at a huge parking lot filled with cars that could be rented. “Pick one” I said as we were walking around. “I can pick the one we buy?” asked Amber in disbelief. “Well honey, we’re renting one, not buying it, but yeah we’ll pick whichever you like.” She started running up and down the parking lot trying to scour it for the perfect car. I had to sit down again because the whistling sound and dark spots in my visions had come back. Perhaps due to the burning sun which was scorching hot, or perhaps it was just a side-effect of the time travel I’d have to live with until I went back. Amber finally knackered herself out and proudly exclaimed she’d found the one that was her favorite. I hailed the owner of the lot to join me as I walked towards her and found her standing in front of her car of choice. The choice was… aesthetic?
She had picked an old pick-up truck that looked like it had seen better days even though it was sporting a fresh bright red coat of paint. “You’re sure baby?” I asked her, not looking forward to driving this thing for over 12 hours. But she nodded greedily as she confirmed this was the one and I did in fact promise her she could pick… I made a deal with the owner and soon we drove off in our hot red pick-up truck. Amber was filled with excitement at our little road trip and seemed oblivious to the weird sounds coming from the engine that made me constantly worried the car would die on us. Luckily the radio worked and so we started our long drive west as summery tunes filled the little cabin. I occasionally looked over to Amber as she was vibing to the music and was happy to see her so relaxed and energetic. Seeing her sad and broken yesterday made me wonder if she could ever be happy again, but clearly she was a lot more resilient than I’d given her credit for. But the realization also dawned on me that saving the Amber from this timeline wouldn’t save the poor one from the time I was from. No one had come to save her when she was lonely and afraid and that realization made me feel horrible, despite the sunny weather and happy tunes. Fortunately Amber was too busy vibing out to notice my darkened face.
The ride was scheduled to take around 12 hours and initially I had planned to drive it all in one go, with perhaps some minor breaks in-between. But around the 7 hour mark, seemingly out of nowhere the auditory hallucinations kicked off again. Fortunately not accompanied by a headache this time, the rushing of the wind was a lot louder than it had been last night and earlier today at the rental lot. I looked over to Amber, half expecting her to hear this god-awful noise too, but it was clear she didn’t. Of course she didn’t. She hadn’t just jumped 26 years into the past from a different timeline. She was just a regular girl and the noise played inside my head. Soon after the onset of the wind I also had dark spots appearing in my vision again, which in combination the setting sun made it difficult to stay focused on the road. I decided that for Amber’s safety it was better to find another motel and turn our trip into a 2-day one. I pulled into a motel that looked half-decent and took Amber to the reception.
Unlike the last time, the woman behand the desk eyed me with some suspicion. “Is this your daughter?” she asked me while I was checking in. ‘Does it matter?’ I wanted to ask, but I decided I did not want any unnecessary confrontation. “No my granddaughter actually” I replied without much thought, thinking back to yesterday when the man had mistakenly called Amber my granddaughter. The woman turned to Amber and asked “Sweetie, is this man your grandfather?”. I shook my head disapprovingly at the nerve of this woman. I was also slightly worried for Amber’s response. If she said no, then the woman might call the police and ending up in jail would be the worst thing that could happen right now. But luckily Amber gave the correct answer “Yes ma’am he is my pawpaw”. The lady nodded contently “What a nice you lady you have here” she said, not even bothering to apologize for her behavior. I just gave her a curt nod as I took the keys and took Amber to our room.
On the way to our room I noticed a small laundromat attached to the motel and seeing the dirty crumpled clothes Amber had been wearing for two full days now, I decided I didn’t want to drop her off at her aunt like this. “Amber, if you give me your clothes, then I’ll take them downstairs and get them cleaned” I said and that seemed like a decent idea to the little girl. Without warning she started undressing and I quickly turned around to give her the privacy she didn’t seem to care about. “You’re silly” came her little voice while I heard her taking of her jeans. “Why?” I asked with some anxiety in my voice. “You’re always so weird when I take off my clothes” she explained. “I just think it wouldn’t be right for me to see your… you naked” I stammered trying to explain myself. “Oh and please keep on your panties Amber!” I said, realizing that I had only intended to wash her shirt and pants, but failing to specify that when I mentioned ‘clothes’. “Sure silly” she teased me again. I quietly waited as I heard the sounds of her clothes being taken off her body. “You can turn around” she said about a minute later as she placed her clothes on the desk next to the door. Aside from her panties all of her clothes seemed to be in the pile, so I knew turning around would mean seeing more of her body and like more marks like the ones I had seen last night. “I’m gonna give you the key Amber” I said, placing said key on the desk without turning around. “Lock the door behind me and only open it for me.” I quickly grabbed the pile of clothes and walked downstairs without looking at her. Not only did it feel wrong to look at her nearly nude body, but I just couldn’t bear seeing the marks of that monstrous abuse.
I waited until I heard the door lock and then walked downstairs. I put the clothes in the washer and had a little trouble figuring out how to turn the old thing on. After getting the antique working I walked back upstairs and softly knocked on the door. No response. “Amber?” I asked softly. Still no response. I looked through the windows and through a little space between the curtains I saw she had fallen asleep on top of the covers. I quickly looked away as I saw her little body covered only in her panties, but even the quick glance revealed marks on her back as well. ‘Fuck’ I thought to myself. I guess I could wake her up if I beat on the door enough, but I didn’t really want to take her out of her sleep. If she’d fallen asleep so quickly then she must still be totally spent. Rather than knocking again I slumped down on the chair right next to the door and decided to just wait for the laundry to finish. While sitting here I could make sure nobody would look at the little girl through the window and that kind of made me feel like her protector, which felt… right? At the rhythmic sound of the cars rushing by on the highway I start to slowly doze off, falling into a restless sleep.
I wake up in an unfamiliar bed. I want to get up but my body doesn’t respond. Suddenly my hand reaches out to the woman sleeping next to me and giving her a little push. No response. Why can’t I control my body? Then as I get out of bed against my will I realize it must be happening again. Same as with that horrific memory I saw before, it seemed I was back to being Amber’s dad. Horrified what I might see this time, I braced myself best I could as the man stepped out of his bedroom. He walked across the hallway to a different door and seemed to pause a moment before entering. Was he hesitating about something? ‘Fuck it’ I heard myself say softly and I quickly felt myself toss off my shirt and drop my boxers. Oh no, I was fully hard again. And from the cute drawings on the door we were about to enter, I knew something bad was about to happen again.
I sneakily opened the door and was met with a dimly lit baby room. It featured Winnie the Pooh imagery on the closet and changing table. The little crib, placed centrally in the room, had cute animals all over it. As I felt myself walking closer to the crib I dreaded what I was about to witness. There was no way right? Even though I’d seen the things this monster was capable off, there was no way he’d do that to… to a baby? Unfortunately all I could do was sit back and watch in horror as my body moved beyond my control. “Hey princess” whispered my voice. My body knelt down and I gave the sleeping baby a kiss. It might have been the kind of intimate wholesome many dads share with their newborn daughter, if it hadn’t been for the fact that while kissing her I was furiously jerking off. Even while standing up I couldn’t seem to stop jerking my meat and it was clear that this man had an enormous amount of hormones raging through his body. I mean, how else could he think it was a good idea to expose himself to his infant daughter like this?
It seems I quickly grew tired of just stroking myself though, because I poked my erect dick through the crib and slapped it on her little head. The man squeezed the tip of his dick a little and now the dim lighting of the room revealed the little girl had pre-cum smeared on her forehead. “I baptize thee” said the depraved man with a little chuckle. The baby was only wearing a t-shirt, with Tigre on it and a diaper. Removing his dick from her pouty little face, the man started carefully taking off her shirt. I was happy to see he was at least more gentle with the baby than he had been with toddler Amber. It was also possible this was done out of self-service however, in not wanting to awake his sleeping wife. The shirt was carefully placed on the changing table and while giving the little one an appreciate grope over her flat chest and round little belly, my hands moved down to her diaper.
Initially I tried to get in without opening it, but the band was just too tight to even squeeze a finger in there. I slowly started tugging at the sides to get if off. The dim lighting in the room made it difficult to see what I was doing so I had to move her little body around a bit to find the right place to open the diaper. Little Amber started cooing at me, possibly enjoying my touch or just feeling like we were playing a game of flip the baby. The little girl not being aware of her father’s vulgar intentions made me feel angry at the abuse of her innocence. Having opened the diaper, I didn’t discard it like I had the shirt. I left it open laying under her little butt, almost like a platter on which the most delicious piece of baby cunny had just been served. Freeing up his hand, the man was now able to resume the lewd activity of stroking his pedomeat in front of his little one. “This right here…” the man whispered to the baby, as he ran his free hand over her inner thighs and babies lips “…this is gonna make daddy very happy.”
The baby’s cunny was the smallest I had ever seen. It was like holding two thumbs together, squeezing them so tightly that it would seem nothing could fit in between them. But my vulgar hand had to explore, of course it did. While still stroking myself rapidly, I slowly let my pointy finger slide over her infant thighs, the crevices between her puffy underage lips and eventually the two soft tiny pillows that made up her vulva. Holding my pointy finger on one, I placed my middle finger on the other little lip. I softly made circular motions with my fingers moving around her precious ladybits with just the two tips of my fingers. Then I changed the pattern up a bit and instead of making a circular motion, I was just opening and closing her little hole, pushing my fingers apart and letting them close back up.
It was a devious little game, if my wife had walked in at this point then I knew I would be dead. She would find me stripped naked, beating myself off while molesting our precious newborn girl. But that possibility was a turn-on for the bastard I was inhabiting, the idea of being discovered by his caring wife, who had no idea about the pedophilic tendencies of her husband… I find myself lifting the little one out of the crib and cuddling her naked body against my chest. Her little feet kicks softly against my cock, providing it with some unexpected stimulation and causing it jump a little. Amber is carried out of her room into the hallway. ‘Where am I taking her’ I wonder? The man clearly knows what he wants and he carries the baby straight to his bedroom, where his wife is sleeping. He tosses the baby on the bed and clambers over her to his wife. He shakes her harder now, but she still doesn’t respond. Did he drug her? “Look at our little slut” he whispers in his wife’s ear. He pulls off her covers and starts hiking up her nightgown. He doesn’t bother taking it off, just leaving it high enough so her panties and breasts are exposed. He strips her off her panties too and discards them to the side. “Now mommy, daddy and baby are all in bed naked.”
“Why don’t we involve mommy in the fun a bit?” I am disgusted to hear myself say as I lift up the baby. While holding her with one hand I spread my wife’s legs and place the baby with her head on my wife’s pussy. “Lick mommy’s clit” I say to the baby as I slowly move her head against the pussy the little one had sprang from herself. I loved feeling the soft spot at the back of her head as I grinded her baby mouth against her mother. Her skull hadn’t even closed yet and she was already being used as a toy by daddy. Being very capable of using one hand to direct the baby’s head, I let my other hand wander down her body as I started to touch her little holes. “A multipurpose toy huh?” I grunted to myself with satisfaction as I teased her pinhead anus with my big fingers…
The powerful gushing sound pulls me awake and I jump out of the chair. I am sweating as I slowly realize I am back in my own body. ‘My god… that stuff… how could I…” I pant while I’m sweating, recovering from the memory I just got pulled into. ‘My god…’ I exclaim again. I sit down again and take a few moments to recover. Peeking through the window I see Amber is still vast asleep and checking my watch I see it’s been around 3 hours since I put the laundry in. I descend down the stairs to the laundry room as suddenly the dark spots jump into my vision again. This time they dance violently all across my vision almost making it impossible to see where I am going. I grab onto the handrail and manage to safely get down the stairs without falling. I scramble to move the wet clothes to one of the available dryers and after starting it up I walk back to the room. I almost want to knock on the door more harshly now to feel the comfort of a bed, but I decide against it. I want the little girl to enjoy what might well be one of her first uninterrupted nights in a long time, so I just place myself back into the chair. I do my best to stay awake, not wanting to be pulled into another awful memory, but the exhaustion from the long drive combined with the toll the time travel has taken on my body soon comes calling to again pull me into another vivid dream…
The living room is covered in holiday decorations and there is a big blow-up 5 hanging against the wall. Amber is lying on a massage table in the middle of the room, she is wearing a soft blue dress, has a tiara and a blindfold on. “Are you ready for your surprise baby? Something you just had to stay home from school for?” I hear myself ask. She nods happily, seemingly unaware of the fact I am naked. I walk to the door leading into the hallway an open it. From it, multiple naked men appear, most erect, some stroking their meat at the sight of little Amber.
When all five men are inside I give them a thumbs up to allow the men to descent upon the little girl. They rush over, wanting to secure the best piece of her for themselves. While lying on the massage table, Amber is suddenly surprised when she is grabbed in multiple places at once. Two men have gone for her head and one rubs her hair as they both slap their dicks in her face. Both of her feet have been claimed as well, with her socks quickly being stripped and both pedos licking her little toes as they jerk themselves off. The last man simply took her little hand and wrapped it around his penis, using it to jerk himself off. Upon the realization that no fun surprise is coming, but instead more abuse, Amber start to sob under her blindfold. None of the men have gone for her pussy or ass, which must’ve been part of the deal I made with them. While Amber is being assaulted from all sides I slowly walk towards her and take my place standing between her legs. Her legs being grabbed and used have caused her to squirm her own dress up and now she is writhing there, trying to move away, but no match for the strength of several adult men. The men playing with her feet have opened up her legs nicely and as the vulgarity in front of me continues, I push my erect cock against her panties. They’re pink Hello kitty panties, my favorite. I hike her dress up a little more and run my fingers around her belly button as I enjoy her squirming against my dick. I chuckle as I hear the men around me grunt and make deals with one another ‘I’ll trade you her foot for her face’ says one of the men who is rubbing her toes along his shaft.
“Gentlemen” I say to the men assaulting my daughter, who are all but what I call them “All of Amber’s friends are in school right now. They are learning important stuff, like letters and shapes and fun songs.” I motion the men holding her feet to let go and with her legs now free I slowly start to take off her panties. “But not little Amber” I say as the rest of the men are silent, spare the occasional pant. The only other sound that can be heard in the room is Amber’s soft and unanswered crying. “You see for Amber school isn’t that important. Ever since her mother ran off when Amber was very little, her main job, no, her only job has been to pleasure daddy.” I was sliding her panties down her legs, lovingly taking her slimy feet, covered in drool and pre-cum out of them. “And she has done such a great job!” I say with pride in my voice “Which is why I wanted to throw this birthday party for her and invite you as her special friends.” All five men are stroking themselves, trying to get the best look they can at her now exposed holes.
I hold the panties in the air. “I’d like to start a little auction” I say with a smirk on my face. “These panties were bought and worn specifically for today, her 5th birthday. Wouldn’t you love to take home a little souvenir from today? Something to jerk yourself off with whenever you fantasize about what happened here today?” While still furiously stroking themselves, the man start calling out outrageous numbers. 100, 300, 800, 1500. Fuel by their lust, they fall over themselves trying to get this coveted item, a taboo reminder of the depraved things that were about to happen. “4000” says one of the men who started off by playing with her face. None of the other men seem willing or able to trump his offer and so I toss him the still warm panties. “Sold!” I say with a smirk as I see the pervert press the worn panties against his nose. I notice some of the other men looking at him with envy. “Well” I say as I push my erect cock down and tease it along both of Amber’s holes. “Who is ready to show the birthday girl some love?”
I awake to hearing Ambers voice. It makes me feel like I’m still sleeping as I just heard the same voice there, even if the pitch was slightly different. “Paul, wake up Paul, please wake up” I open my eyes to see her tugging at my arm. “Please wake up Paul” she says with tears in her eyes and seemingly unaware or unbothered by the fact she is standing outside in just her panties. As I see her so close to me now, the marks on the rest of her body are unavoidable. Noticing them I don’t stare at her body however. I look at her face. Her poor innocent face. I see it light up at me opening my eyes and she hugs me while saying things I don’t hear. I am just stunned. ‘How… how could anyone…’ Still in shock and not really hearing anything Amber is saying I stand up as if I am in a trance-like state and simply lift the little girl up to carry her inside. I close the door behind us and once inside I begin to cry uncontrollably. Amber who was already crying now starts crying even harder and for several minutes we just hold each other, crying uncontrollably. It’s cathartic, even if it won’t change past events. “I’m so sorry baby…” I say as I cry “I’s so so sorry that... happened to you” I hug her nearly naked body tightly. But it isn’t sexual. I don’t even think about it. I just want to hug her so tightly that I can take the pain, the abuse from her. Pull it from her little frame, wipe it from her mind and take it all on instead. But I can’t. What’s done is done and it’ll be with her the rest of her life…
And so we just sit there, crying weeping, sniffling. My tears fall onto her beautiful ginger hair and she rubs her tears onto me by occasionally burying her face in my chest. It is a deeply intimate moment in which we are both finally able to find some release of the horrible things we’ve seen. But nothing lasts forever and so too our embrace eventually softens and breaks. “I’m gonna get your clothes okay cutie?” I ask while I wipe some strands of her red hair out of her face. She just gives me a little nod while still whimpering a little. “And don’t lock me out this time” I add playfully as I give her a little push. She half-laughs half-cries at my joke, clearly feeling very guilty about it. I give her another hug and tell her it’s all gonna be okay. I leave Amber in the room at walk down to the laundry room again. Gliding my hand over the hand rail I am glad to not experience any visual or auditory distortions right now. But I also realize I have no idea how long I will be able to keep going. If these hallucinations keep coming back in increasingly stronger ways, then it won’t be long before I get to a point where I won’t be able to drive anymore. I take Amber’s clothes and with a renewed sense of urgency I help her get dressed.
Once on the road again the vibe is every different from yesterday. Whereas Amber used to be so animated and happy, she now is just sitting there quietly looking out the window. “Paul?” she asks after a few hours “Hmmm?” I ask. “I just realized I don’t know where in Memphis aunt May and uncle David live. Is Memphis a big place?” I chuckle a little at her childish remark. “Well baby” I say as I merge into a different lane “It’s a pretty big place alright, but don’t worry, I know how we can find them.” “Oh” is her only reply. A few more quiet minutes pass by before she continues the conversation. “How though?”. I think for a moment and then say “Well, we’ll go to the police station. The police officers usually know most people living in a town so if we tell them what your aunt and uncle look like, then they can surely help us out.” She isn’t convinced. “You’re being silly again da… Paul” Did she just almost call me dad? I quickly brush over the fact by saying “Just trust me baby, we’ll find a police station and we’ll find your aunt” Content with my confident or perhaps embarrassed at almost calling me dad Amber decides to not ask any further questions.
After a long and boring drive we arrive in Memphis in the early afternoon. I find a police station and park out front. “So describe your aunt and uncle for me baby.” I ask. Amber thinks for a moment and then says “Well aunt May has long blonde hair and sometimes wears glasses.” I nod, not wanting to interrupt her. “And uncle David is tall and has brown hair.” Again I nod, expecting there to be more. But there isn’t. Amber seems to pick up on the fact I was expecting more information and she looks down with a flustered face. “I’m sorry…” she says softly. “No that’s fine Amber, I’ll just go in and ask the officers if they know a couple like that” I say, encouragingly. “I can’t come?” she asks with a little disappointment. I shake my head “I’ll be right back, you look after our cool pick-up alright?” She nods, still unsure, but at least happy to be given such an important task. I step out of the car and walk into the police station, greeting the officer at the front desk.
“Hi I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’ve been out all day and I really need to you the bathroom, could I maybe…” I ask trying to be as respectful as possible. “No problem sir” says the woman as she motions to a hallway across the room. “First door on your left” I give her a respectful nod and go to the bathroom. Inside I simply splash some water on my face and look in the mirror. It’s weird seeing myself with a beard. For most of my life I was clean-shaven and only recently did I start rocking this somewhat bushy beard. I rummage in my pocket and find the piece of paper with the address on it. I read it twice before putting it away again. I walk out of the bathroom and give the officer friendly wave before getting back into the car. “Guess what baby, they were able to tell me where they live!” I say with a big smile. “No way!” exclaims Amber. As we drive towards the address, we happen by a McDonald’s located on the side of the road. I see the sign from afar and turn to Amber “What do you say baby, one last milkshake?” She nods and I take us through the drive through.
Before we can order however I suddenly hear little whimpers coming from the passenger seat. “Paul?” she asks and I am shocked to see her with teary eyes again. “What’s wrong baby?” I ask as I reach over and place my hand on her knee. “Why is this… our last milkshake?” she asks fighting hard to keep the tears at bay. Shit. It made sense that the girl would want me to be part of her life in some capacity after the fun we’d just had and the connection we shared. “I can’t…” I say with pain in my heart. “What I would want, what I would really really want… is to be friends with you forever Amber. You’re such a cool girl and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as nice as you.” I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t say much more. I sure couldn’t explain my situation, badly as I wanted her to understand. “Just don’t go” came her begging and naïve response. “Baby, I won’t ever leave you, I’ll always be a part of you even if I can’t be physically next to you” I said from the bottom of my heart. “And whenever you go to a restaurant where they sell milkshakes, just order two and mix them while you’re thinking of me…” She was now crying uncontrollably again and it took me a lot to not join in. I didn’t want to make her cry, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I couldn’t stay with her.
We got our milkshakes and drank them in the park lot. We didn’t speak much as I started the car up again and drove her to her aunt and uncle’s place. Finding the exact address I parked the car in front of the house and turned off the car. “This is it” I said. She didn’t respond. There was simply a painful silence for a few moments. The birds happily singing away outside didn’t seem to care about our painful goodbye. “You’re not coming in?” she asked, almost begging me to do so. “No” I said softly. “This is where we say goodbye unfortunately Amber. But I want you to know that you’re amazing. You’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I feel very lucky that you were a part of my life.” She reaches over, wanting a hug while clearly emotional still and I lift her up and take her in my lap. I hold her head against my chest as I slowly rock her back and forth. “I’m sorry…” I said, choking up a little again “I’m sorry about all the things that happened to you baby. And I need you to promise me two things okay?” I looked at her little face and she nodded. “Firstly, I need you to tell your aunt and uncle what happened to you, what your dad did. I know that’ll be hard, but you need to promise me you tell them okay.” She nodded again while big tears were running down her face. “And secondly, you need to promise me that you believe me when I say that none of this was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She was just crying now, not responding to what I said, perhaps she didn’t believe me or perhaps she just didn’t understand. “You didn’t do anything wrong baby, your father doing those… things… those horrible things, that’s all because he is sick in his head, not because of you. Okay? Please tell me you’ll try to believe that.” She gave me a quiet nod and I hugged her tightly one last time, not wanting to let go. But I had to. I had to let her go. A final kiss on her forehead and I helped her out of the car. She didn’t say anything as our eyes met for the final time, but the look on her face spoke volumes. ‘Thank you’ I think she would’ve said if she hadn’t been so overwhelmed by her emotions. I watched her cross the street and knock on the front door of the house. As the door opened and her uncle appeared in the doorframe I drove off before he could see me.
I now had to get back to the point where I had entered this timeline, but the driving became very challenging. No longer having the goal of getting the little girl safely to her destination seemed to make the distortions play up much more frequently. Or maybe I was making that up and maybe my time was simply up. During the animal trials the longest animal we had tracked had survived for a week, and although I was hoping for that same amount of time, it seemed my constitution wasn’t as strong as that of a Bonobo. Annoying as the constant gushing in my ears was, it was the black spots ever growing bigger and moving around more aggressively that made driving a hell. I swerved several times and around midnight that night I had to pull to the side of the road to rest. It was a scary feeling, almost as if my body was now at a point where I might not wake up the next morning. Not bothering to check into a motel I simply laid back in the seat and closed my eyes, the ringing in my ears ever present.
Opening my eyes after what feels like only seconds I am surprised to find myself sitting in a living room. I know the room well. It is the same one in which the horrific events of Amber’s 5th birthday played out. It was my living room. For the first time during these memories, I experience the sounds and visual distortions I previously only experienced outside of my dreams. The TV is playing in the corner of the room, but I can’t make out any of the sound. I look around the room which is familiar to me, and yet there are parts of it I just can’t see, just can’t remember, hidden by dark pulsating globs of energy. Amber is sitting next to me, on the couch, naked and almost identical to the version of her I just dropped off at her aunt.
I am startled to notice someone else is in the room as well. My wife… but that’s… impossible. My wife had died when Amber was only a baby, leaving Amber in the sole care of her father. “Mitch…” she says with her tired voice. “I see you Mitch” Suddenly the realization dawns on me that my wife isn’t part of this memory. She wasn’t here when this happened. But somehow she is here now, with me reliving the memory. And she is speaking directly to me, looking at me, not the younger me who is perpetrating the abuse, but me, the observer.
“Laura…” I stammer, surprised at my ability to speak. I look over at Amber and she doesn’t seem to react. I guess she can’t hear me, just like she can’t see her mother. “Laura…” I say again, not knowing what to say. When I am about to speak, my younger self pulls Amber off the couch and places her between his legs. He gives her a little tap on the face and she meekly opens her mouth and begins to lick her father’s flaccid member. I look on horrified as Laura walks over and kneels next to her naked daughter, who is unaware of her presence. Laura gently strokes Amber’s hair as she looks at me with teary eyes. “Why Mitch?” she asks. “When I was laying there after my accident, bleeding out, I found a little peace knowing you’d still be there to take care of our little girl…” I choke up and feel horrible. She is right. Of course she is right. And there is nothing I can say. “…but instead I’ve had to be here for her whole lifetime, seeing her get used by you for… pleasure?” The guilt I feel at her words and the scene playing out in front of us is indescribable. “Baby I…” I start to stammer “No Mitch” my wife says with a fierce look in her eyes and a thundering voice. “You had one job. One little girl who needed you to step up and take care of her… and you couldn’t even do that.”
She is right. Of course she is right. I had this stupid idea after Amber killed herself that I could go back in time and fix things. But I couldn’t undo what I did. No matter what I would always be the monster who drove his own preteen daughter to kill herself. Laura lets go of Amber’s hair and stands up to leave the room, giving me a final judgmental look before closing the door shut. I want to stop her and tell her I’ve changed, but I have no right to. All I can do is sit back and fall deeper into my darkness as I hear my final conversation with Amber play out. “Daddy?” she asks, looking up as she lets my now erect cock slip from her 8-year-old mouth. “Hmmm?” I grunt dissatisfied with the lack of stimulation. Amber takes my dick, wetted with her saliva in her hand and starts stroking it. “Could we go for a milkshake later maybe?”
Tears well up in my eyes. All she wanted was a milkshake, a normal day with her daddy. But I couldn’t even give her that. “No” I hear my cold voice say. “Soon you’ll be able to have babies and then daddy will put a baby in your belly. And if she is born and it’s a little girl, then you’ve earnt yourself a milkshake.” The little girl who was looking up hopefully at me, slumps down, tears forming in her eyes. “Now take daddy’s cock in your mouth again” I hear myself say as the scene slowly fades away.
The next morning I awake even more tired than when I went to sleep. I drive the final part of my journey and decide to leave the car at the Wendy’s parking lot. It will only be a short walk from here to the point where I entered this timeline. My hearing is distorted to the point where only the occasional sound pushes through, seemingly at random. The wind-like sound is constantly there, rushing at me and through me, but it no longer makes me anxious. I did what I came to do. Even though it is less than a mile from the parking lot to the bridge, I spend almost an hour to get there. My body is simply spent and multiple people give me curious looks as I stumble my way towards the point where it all began. Not the point where I entered this time-line either. The bridge. ‘Alec must be scrambling back in my timeline trying his best to launch a last-ditch effort to get me back’ I think with a pained smile on my face. My whole body aches, but it feels… right. Of course there is no way to get back. Any attempt to do so with the animals in the past ended in complete failure, and as Alec feared I was well aware that this would be a one-way trip.
As I arrive at the bridge where I met Amber a couple of days ago, I feel a peace wash over me. I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. The grey sky has softly started crying at the events I witnessed over the past few days and the occasional people that walk by me do so in a hurried fashion, paying me no mind. I stand in the middle of the bridge, resting my hands on the guardrails as I look out over the dark, slow stream of water, reflecting the ominous sky above. The dark edges dancing around the periphery of my vision and the bolts of pain shooting through my body like needles trying to get out let me know that I’ve reached my end. I’m not scared. Although I always hoped I could go back far enough in time to wring my own neck right after Amber was born, this would have to do. I sinned in ways that would make the devil blush and I am well aware that what I did in this timeline wouldn’t make up for all those horrible things I did in the one I came from. But it would have to do. It’s the best I could do with the time I got. I knew my brother would take good care of her and at the very least my little girl is safe in this world, free from my depraved grasp. ‘I hope she goes on to get everything she deserves’ I think to myself as a tear rolls down my cheek, joining the wetness of the rain ‘I want nothing more than for her to experience a life worth living’.
I feel weak and it takes the remainder of my strength to clamber onto the railing. The water below looks cold, grim and almost threatening. And yet it calls to me, promising sweet release of my sins. My whole life I’ve been after redemption, knowing full well I could never get it. Could in no way make up for how I treated the girl I was supposed to protect and eventually drove her to do what she did. I can’t even call her my daughter, because I never acted like a true father towards her. I had hoped to keep the memories of my actions buried deep down, but being around her again for these past few days… seeing, no… re-living, the things I did… An image flashes through my mind of a happier time that could’ve been, of me and Amber getting milkshakes until she was old. Of her being happy, perhaps starting her own family. But my actions took that from her, made it so she could never have that…
Behind me a car comes to a screeching halt and a man jumps out, seemingly yelling something at me. I pay him no mind. It doesn’t matter. The path I set myself on always was going to lead me right here. ‘At least the papers won’t be writing about my little girl tomorrow’ I think to myself as I let go of the yellow piece of paper that was crumpled up in my fist. I lean forward and surrender to the pull of gravity as I brace myself for my inevitable entry into the deepest circle of hell.
Written & edited in the Wendy's in Wilmington.