TVR/Brian Johnson

"Is there any cake," you ask your wife. She's bending over the sink and looking at her ample backside makes you feel randy. You get behind her, lift her dress up, and press your swelling cock between the cheeks of her arse.

"Get off you randy old git," she says, crossly. She turns round and gives you a hard shove. You end up sitting in a chair grinning up at her. "You behave yourself, Lady Jane is somewhere around and the children are in the garden.

You get up and slap her bum as you go out into the garden

• The Garden