TVR/Brian Johnson

"Is there any cake," you ask your wife. She's bending over the sink and you can't resist grabbing her hips and pressing yourself against her ample backside.

"Get off you randy old git," she says, turning round and giving you a hard push. You end up sitting in a chair grinning up at her. "You behave yourself, Lady Jane is somewhere around and Janet's in the garden. Reluctantly you give up and go out into the garden. Janet's on the lawn, laying face down looking at something. She is wearing a short summer dress and you can see almost all the way up to the top of her legs.

"What are you looking at Miss Janet," you ask.

She rolls over. "Just some ants. Are you going to mow the grass?"

• You head out to the Garden