Talk:Life Hacks/Hallomod(tod-pre)/Let July come, she's close enough in age

A few minor mistakes, such as there is a line where you have Octo and July speak in the same paragraph. You are usually supposed to make a different paragraph whenever someone else speaks. Also, there was an option where you said: "ignore July and help July get undressed." In other words, you used her name twice. "Ignore July's question and just help her get undressed" would be a better line.

Other than those minor errors, the writing itself seems alright, although I would think Jan needs a bit more of a reaction to getting her breasts grabbed, some blushing and awkward behavior for instance, and just letting the kiss go without comment at least in the form of internal dialogue is not great either. Actually, the more I think about that scene the more I don't like it. You had them acting with every single line of dialogue that passed between them and every action they took like a couple that's been together for a while and likely already had sex with each other several times. She may have her romantic love artificially boosted, but her past experiences are still the same and she's also still a 12-year-old, none of that fits. I would say the biggest thing though is something I saw when I checked the "edit" tab though. Please do not go adding in cheats that haven't been added in story yet on this leg of it. Jemini (talk) 05:44, 9 October 2017 (CEST)