The Magic of Ellie/Part 3
Chapter 1, Part 3
We got back home around 3:00, and I climbed stiffly out of the car, stretched my arms despite my aching, scabbing side, and made to close the door. A shapely ankle in the floorboard of the back seat gave me pause, and I embarrassingly remembered that Ellie didn't have a door of her own. I decided to mess with her, and closed the door.
I took a few steps away, but she didn't call out or knock on the window or anything. A flash of concern washed over me as I remembered her odd spell earlier, and I ran back to the car, afraid I might find her passed out or delirious. She was just sitting there, calmly grinning at me out of the back glass. I opened the door and slid the seat up.
“You are so predictable.” Ellie said, sitting like a prim lady, hands in her lap.
“And you're a nightmare.” I responded with an exasperated sigh, extending a hand to pull her out.
“Aww, you dream about me?” She asked with a sugar-sweet voice, and grabbed my hand to pull herself up.
I groaned, realizing with some chagrin that she actually had a better track record than me in most of these banter sessions. The precocious little snot was too smart for her own good.
She set one foot out onto the concrete, then the other snagged on the seat belt or something, and she stumbled out and into me. I caught her, and she collapsed into me like an embrace. Her hands went under my arms, and wrapped up to clench onto my shoulders. Her head rested on my chest. I was reminded of a scene from an old John Wayne movie, where he had a lovely redhead hugging him like this in a rainstorm.
Instead of standing up like a normal person would, Ellie squeezed me as if she'd meant to hug me all along. Thoughtlessly, I reflexively tightened my hold around her waist. It's not that I intended to, but it's not often you have a pretty girl in your arms unintentionally. So the instinctive reaction is to hold on, savor the moment. Once my senses caught up with me however, I let my grip ease.
“You're not that clumsy.” I accused quietly, allowing myself a moment to enjoy the smell of her hair beneath my chin.
Ellie pulled back and looked at me, gnawing her lip playfully and said, “And you're pretty dumb sometimes.”
My rational mind screamed at me, even as I pulled away from her. Why was she doing all of this today? And more, why was I not only allowing it, but enjoying it? A surge of guilt hit me as I let the fact settle in. Yes, I was enjoying this attention from her. From a young girl who was supposed to be like a kid sister to me. Supposed to be, a small voice reminded me, but I forced it down.
Ellie gave a deliberately long sigh then said dramatically, “Thank you for catching me.”
She then spun and grabbed her bag before bounding off and into the house. A sheet of panic fell over me as I wondered who might have seen all of that. Luckily, Brad had his head buried in the trunk, trying to pick up items out of a bag that had tipped over in transit. Feeling like a guilty creep, I joined him and helped get everything out.
Ellie was in a great mood all the rest of the evening, and she hung out with us all the while. Even Brad sensed something with her, and put her on the spot as we sat in the living room floor, playing a game.
“What's wrong with you?” He asked her, “You haven't been this energetic in months.”
“I had a good day today.” She replied airily.
“How?” He asked indignantly, “We didn't even catch anything.”
Ellie laughed and languidly leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment then said, “I'm sorry. But I really don't care about catching a fish at all.”
Brad gaped at her like she'd just spoken an alien language, “Then why did you even go? That was the whole point!”
“Not for me,” Ellie said before shooting me a quick glance, “Besides, I had a feeling my nursing expertise would be needed.”
I groaned and rolled my head back to stare at the ceiling. I already knew I wouldn't live that down for a long time. Brad grunted and returned his attention to the game. I tried to do likewise, but was very aware of Ellie's presence next to me, despite my efforts to concentrate. She didn't do anything to me, barely even spoke to me, in fact. But it was like I couldn't help glancing at her at semi-regular intervals.
I was terribly aware of her hair, freshly washed and dried, cascading down her back like a golden waterfall. I noticed her thin shoulders, and the way she held the controller up in front of her, instead of in her lap. Her knees, jutting out from her cross-legged sitting position, seemed to actually glow from the reflected light on her impossibly smooth skin. Every time she moved her head to laugh or stretch or look around, I caught a wondrous whiff of whatever magical stuff she put in her hair. And my performance in the game suffered from my absent-mindedness.
“Dude, what's wrong with you?” Brad demanded of me after I screwed up something stupid and obvious, “You usually kick our asses at this.”
“Sorry. Just tired, I guess.” I lied, feeling like crap for having to do so.
“Is it just me, or are both of you off your rocker?” He asked, looking between Ellie and me.
Even though I'd done nothing wrong, something about that hit too close to home and it scared me. I frantically tried to think up a way to deflect his question.
“Well, Jake did get wounded today,” Ellie offered, flashing me a smile, “I think he gets a pass.”
“It's a scrape, not a 'wound'.” I insisted, feeling like a wimp for her defending me on such silly grounds.
They both laughed, and I was glad that the tension was deflated at least. Then Ellie piped up again.
“Can we sleep in here again?” She asked no one in particular, with an irresistibly excited voice.
Brad groaned and said, “Ellie, I'm tired. I want to go to bed soon.”
“Then do that in here.” She offered cheerfully.
Like a trained puppy, I felt a surge of anticipation at her suggestion. It was pathetic, yet the gratification I felt sent a tingle through me. I was fairly certain I knew what she was doing, and I couldn't suppress my hope for it, although it made me feel guilty and miserable. What was going on with me today?
The prospect of a repeat of the last time we slept in the living room floor was terribly alluring. Just thinking back to her, snuggled up on my side made me thrill with excitement. Once I understood that I was indeed hoping for that, I felt cold inside. This was unacceptable.
“Fine by me,” I said, “I'm so tired, I don't care where we sleep, as long as we actually sleep.”
“Exactly,” Brad agreed, “Ellie, can you actually go to sleep and not keep us up talking?”
“Duh,” She said crudely, crossing her arms in a huff, “I'm just as tired as you guys.”
“Fine.” Brad relented, standing up and heading down the hall to fetch blankets and pillows.
I got up to turn off the television and console, and gather up the controllers. Ellie sat quietly in the same place she'd been in, watching me. I glanced over to her at one point, and saw a new face on her. She looked happy enough still, but not as exuberant. She was hopeful, but subdued. Her bright eyes shone up at me, but her posture spoke of reserve and caution. Given her behavior all day, this seemed odd.
I didn't say anything to her. I tried to forcefully remind myself that she was in a tumultuous period in her life. Whatever the hell was going on with me was for me to deal with. Ellie wasn't the guilty party here, and I needed to be the voice of reason and behave like I was supposed to, instead of being a dumb victim to her emerging attractiveness. I tried not to think about the fact that she had such allure in the first place. So I deliberately and obviously gave her space while Brad and I unfurled blankets and doled out pillows. And finally, around 10:00, we killed the lights and lay down to sleep.
The arrangement was the same as it had been last time, with Ellie in between Brad and me on the pallet. Brad curled up and within minutes fell into his trademark 'zombie sleep'. I lay on my back, just like last time, trying to keep away the thoughts that demanded entry. And Ellie surprised me by being still and quiet beside me. That new, frightening part of me even felt a pang of despair at her distance and silence. I tried to tell myself that this was as it should be.
But it didn't last. It took longer than I expected, but Ellie finally turned over to face me, and sidled up beside me. This time, she actually took my arm and hugged it like a pillow to her chest. The wave of warmth and happiness I felt at her gesture was irresistible, despite how hard I tried. My breath let out in a long sigh I hadn't been aware of holding, and my body seemed to soften from head to toe at her touch. I felt tingly all over. Neither of us said a word, but I began to sense just how much trouble I was in.
We stayed like that for a while, and I couldn't summon the will to even move to discourage it. I felt so calm, so comfortable with her by my side. Every fiber of my being seemed to hum and glow internally with cottony pleasure. It was like being home. It was peace. My breathing deepened and my whole body seemed to melt a little into the blankets. Ellie spoke, just as the weighty veil of sleep was beginning to descend upon me.
“You awake?” She whispered, barely audible if not for her close proximity.
I took a breath and said, “Yeah.”
She remained silent for a long while, and I began to wonder if I'd imagined her question as some sort of half-sleep delusion, when she asked, “Is this okay?”
I sighed miserably and said, “Yeah.”
It felt like I was killing something important to me, but at the same time, the sensation of giddy joy I felt was unstoppable. This was so wrong, I was certain of it, but in this moment I couldn't help myself.
Ellie took my acceptance to heart, and pulled herself against me even tighter, readjusting her hold on my arm to squeeze us as close together as possible. It was all I could do to not give in to my instincts and turn to fold her into my arms as tightly as I could. I wanted to do that badly, and the fact scared me.
Still, I allowed myself to savor this. Electric currents of pleasure coursed through me, more emotionally powerful than anything I'd yet experienced. Amy and I had been close. Hell, I'd lost my virginity to her, but nothing had ever felt like this with her. Even in our closest, most intimate moments, she never affected me this way. My heart nearly stopped once I realized the comparison I was making, and a shudder ran through me like a winter chill. Comparing Ellie...to Amy. Oh God.
“Hey.” I breathed, as quiet as Ellie had before, although my voice shook a little.
“Yeah?” She returned.
“We need to talk.” I said.
I felt a slight tickle on my arm from her hair as she nodded, “I know.”
A longer silence spread, thick as the void of darkness around us, but it didn't feel anything but calm. We seemed to exist for the moment in a timeless pocket universe of emotional charge, and no gap in speech or movement was too long. Baited breath, so the cliché goes.
“It can wait, right?” Ellie asked in her ethereal whisper, “At least for tonight?”
A churning punch sank into my gut at the tone of Ellie's voice. She sounded resigned already, as if she knew I would rebuke her, but hoped that maybe she could have this little bit of connection at least. I was hopelessly confused, but the sonorous emotional charge in her voice was profound. I didn't need to understand the details to grasp the potency of her feelings right now. And for the life of me, I hated to deny her.
In the end, all I could do was agree, “Yeah. For tonight.”
The final barriers and chains broke away like sand, and I turned to her. I pulled my arm free of her hold and used it to cradle her into my chest. She curled into me like a kitten, and I allowed myself to fully embrace the euphoria of the situation. After all, I had an excuse now. For tonight, I'd enjoy this strange, illicit closeness with Ellie, but tomorrow I'd set it right. I would explain how this was wrong, and apologize for encouraging her as much as I had. Tomorrow.
But here, in the dark, with Ellie's scent resting soothingly within me, and the feeling of her warm little body next to mine, I let myself be happy. I fell asleep quickly, soothed by the slow rhythm of her breathing against me, trying to tell myself it didn't feel perfectly right.
*
Sometime during the night, I awoke to the sound of the refrigerator door closing. A hazy second of panic cut at me, as I tried to determine whether Ellie was still snuggled into my chest. With relief, I realized she wasn't. Her back was to me now, although she still lay very close. That wasn't so bad. One can't really be blamed for where one ends up while asleep.
I couldn't tell if Brad was still on the floor, right away. Maybe he was the one in the kitchen. But soon, I heard a particularly loud snort from him, indicating he was still sound asleep on the floor. So the midnight rummager was either Lori or James. Not that it mattered, but I was feeling guilty for what I'd done tonight, and that made me interested in knowing the whereabouts of those who might want to lynch me for potentially getting too friendly with Ellie.
With a troubled sigh, I lay my head back down to try and go back to sleep. Then I heard the talking. It was low, coming from the kitchen. I could barely make it out, but apparently James and Lori were both in there. It was curious, but it was also none of my business. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore them. But the subject of their conversation snatched my attention.
“Lori, we don't know that for sure yet,” James said, “Maybe she's not.”
“I can tell, James. I've been there, remember? It was a 50/50 chance for her anyway.” Lori said, sounding sad.
“But the way she's acting...” He paused for a moment, “Honey, I don't want to bring up bad memories, but didn't you say it was...more sudden for you? Ellie just seems happy.”
“She is happy,” Lori said, and I could hear the tenderness in her voice, “But I can feel it, James. It hasn't manifested yet, not much anyway, but it will soon. I pray every day that I'm wrong, but I know I'm not.”
James was quiet for a while, but finally said in a tense voice, “What's going to happen to him? Will she...you know?”
Lori gave a shaky sigh and said, “I don't know. Her situation isn't like mine was. I didn't even know those men. Ellie knows him, and she loves him. I don't know what that might mean.”
“I told you I'd let you take the lead on this when the time came, and I'll stick to that promise. But I really think we should talk to her, and explain things. If you're so sure it has her...”
“No,” Lori said, steel in her voice, “Not yet, anyway. I want to wait a little longer and see what happens.”
“But isn't that dangerous? We can't always be there, in case something happens.” James said.
“I don't know how to explain this, but when I see them together, I feel hopeful for some reason. I have nothing to base it on, but I want to believe that it can be different for them. Maybe their unique situation will allow her to not be overwhelmed.” Lori sounded almost desperate as she spoke.
“But what if you're wrong? I couldn't live with myself in anything happened to that boy.” James said, voice tense.
“You know how it works, James. If they...go that far, I think it will be pretty obvious. And just one time, or even two, won't leave any lasting damage. We can intervene.”
“It still makes me feel ill to think about.” He said.
Lori chuckled quietly and said, “Me too, I guess. But we've both been preparing for this since we knew we were having a girl. I do wish it wouldn't have taken her.”
“That's not it, really,” James said, “From the day she was born, I knew I'd love her unconditionally, regardless of how she turned out. That hasn't changed, and I'll accept her, whatever she does. I just hate the secrecy. And I feel like a real piece of shit for letting Jake walk into it all blind.”
“It's probably better that way.”
“Maybe, but it feels wrong,” James said, “Although, I guess if he knew what she was, he might disappear and stay as far away from her as possible.”
“Don't be so sure about that. Maybe you haven't noticed, but those feelings of hers aren't all one-way. He loves her, too. I'm not sure if he even knows it yet, but he will.”
James made a growling noise that made my spine freeze.
“I know it's hard,” Lori soothed, “But try to remember: This isn't a normal situation, by a wide margin.”
“I know,” James said, barely loud enough to hear, “Did you talk to Father Jonathan?”
“Yes. He's going to meet us on the 28th.”
“That's...three weeks from now?”
“Yes. We'll drive up there Saturday morning, and come home Sunday.” Lori said.
“Should we be gone for the night?” James asked.
“Remember what I said, James,” Lori said, a bit of amusement in her voice, “Even if things move that fast, which I doubt, they will be fine.”
“It almost sounds like you're rooting for them.”
“There's only one kind of 'rooting' I've got in mind right now, and it only concerns you,” Lori said, her voice suddenly low and sultry, “Come on, take me to bed, husband.”
Intimate sounds replaced their previous conversation, and shortly after, I heard the shuffle of their steps heading down the hall. I lay on my back, staring up into the blackness, my mind wheeling like a centrifuge. Thoughts and emotions I didn't even know were possible cascaded in my head like a hurricane tidal surge, and sleep was now a distant and forlorn hope.
Just like that, this house was an alien place to me, and the lovely girl beside me was nearly a stranger. I felt like screaming. I felt like running away. I felt like taking Ellie into my arms and never letting go. I felt lost. I felt angry.
The more I thought about what I'd just overheard, the more confused I became, like layers of an onion peeling away ever fresher depths of mystery and secrets. At one point, I braced myself to stand and go interrupt the adults' lovemaking, and demand they tell me what the hell was going on. It infuriated me that they could just casually say those things, then turn around and go frolic like newly-weds, unconcerned with who might have overheard. Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to have heard them, it still seemed unfair in my compromised condition.
Everything seemed unfair, and everything pissed me off. I lay seething on the floor, feeling used, lied-to, and disposable. The only thing that allowed me to deal with it was the realization that Ellie was in the same position as me. More so, really. Who the hell knew what they had been going on about? But I felt clear on one thing: Ellie knew none of it. She was being used as some kind of experiment just as much as me. No, more than me.
They seemed to think something was different about her; broken, or flawed, or dangerous. And Ellie had no idea. A fresh surge of anger hit me as I thought about this beautiful, sincere girl, so full of life and promise, being used as a sick study subject for her parents.
There was more to it, some tiny, fading, rational part of my mind told me, but I deliberately ignored it. No, this was something I could deal with and process. I could latch onto this point, and move forward. Maybe I was discarding important information, but I simply could not handle it now. Never before in my life had I felt so close to an overwhelming breakdown.
So I grabbed this simple, convenient line of reasoning, held it like my life depended on it, and used it like a shield to plow forward. I could do nothing else. Feeling suddenly small and exposed, I turned to face Ellie, and closed the small gap between us. I draped an arm over her, and buried my face into her hair like it was a refuge to hide in.
She shifted in her sleep at the disturbance, but instead of shaking me off, she relaxed into me, conforming flawlessly to my embrace. I drank in the relief and pleasure that triggered in me like a sponge, and held onto her while the tempest raged around us.