Talk:Mother's Helping Hand/sight/Virgin/kinder/Dannie/Ass/Class
Sorry, just had to make the correction to the naming because it really would create problems if you did not have the word "Ass" in the name identity for the Ass path when there is a nearly identical "Pussy" path planned. Jemini (talk) 09:09, 8 March 2020 (CET)
Hmm... the pacing feels a bit off on the new additions you added, like they are getting too into it too quickly. I would straighten it out a little, but I don't really have time right now. Jemini (talk) 17:59, 9 March 2020 (CET)
Nah, I did it in purpose, Dannie is a zero who has been quitely beeing groomed to be open about things that feel good, by both Helen and Sky, to counter her mother's anti-male anti-sex message. It's all little things that will add it up. That and the two of them have plans for grown up Dannie. also havd planed for Maredith to discreetly inquiry with Dannie about what she did with Jack which is what she uses to kick start everything. Telgar (talk) 11:09, 9 March 2020 (PST)
I also ask that other than spelling and grammar issues. Please do not alter what I write in this story. I have a degree in creative writing, so I tend be very meticulous about the plot points and dialog I write. Generally if I write something I have a reason, that if not immediately apparent will become so later. If the plot point or dialog is changed it can throw stuff off. Of course as I said spelling and grammar fixes are appreciated, as they are my weakness.
Telgar (talk) 11:26, 9 March 2020 (PST)
I didn't really mean the "escalated quickly" area of it, rather I meant the dialogue surrounding the escalation sounded fairly unnatural, especially for where they were. It was like they were immediately in the middle of a sex scene, throwing off all sorts of typical sex scene lines, with a child who has no experience and in a venue that demands a little more discretion.
I could potentially alter it so all the same actions happen, Dannie still grinding on Jack and Meridith still saying that line about how it feels good and she should do it, but just dialogue that sounds more natural to be coming out of a child's mouth in this situation with a little more whimpering, hesitation, and coyness in the lines. It's really more for mood setting than toning it down. (Of course I will wait to get the go ahead before implementing this. I can even implement what I'm talking about on the parallel version, and you can just compare them side by side and see which version you like better.) Jemini (talk) 21:26, 9 March 2020 (CET)