Talk:Mother's Helping Hand/sight/Virgin/kinder/Dannie/Ass/Class
Sorry, just had to make the correction to the naming because it really would create problems if you did not have the word "Ass" in the name identity for the Ass path when there is a nearly identical "Pussy" path planned. Jemini (talk) 09:09, 8 March 2020 (CET)
Hmm... the pacing feels a bit off on the new additions you added, like they are getting too into it too quickly. I would straighten it out a little, but I don't really have time right now. Jemini (talk) 17:59, 9 March 2020 (CET)
Nah, I did it in purpose, Dannie is a zero who has been quitely beeing groomed to be open about things that feel good, by both Helen and Sky, to counter her mother's anti-male anti-sex message. It's all little things that will add it up. That and the two of them have plans for grown up Dannie. also havd planed for Maredith to discreetly inquiry with Dannie about what she did with Jack which is what she uses to kick start everything. Telgar (talk) 11:09, 9 March 2020 (PST)
I also ask that other than spelling and grammar issues. Please do not alter what I write in this story. I have a degree in creative writing, so I tend be very meticulous about the plot points and dialog I write. Generally if I write something I have a reason, that if not immediately apparent will become so later. If the plot point or dialog is changed it can throw stuff off. Of course as I said spelling and grammar fixes are appreciated, as they are my weakness.
Telgar (talk) 11:26, 9 March 2020 (PST)
I didn't really mean the "escalated quickly" area of it, rather I meant the dialogue surrounding the escalation sounded fairly unnatural, especially for where they were. It was like they were immediately in the middle of a sex scene, throwing off all sorts of typical sex scene lines, with a child who has no experience and in a venue that demands a little more discretion.
I could potentially alter it so all the same actions happen, Dannie still grinding on Jack and Meridith still saying that line about how it feels good and she should do it, but just dialogue that sounds more natural to be coming out of a child's mouth in this situation with a little more whimpering, hesitation, and coyness in the lines. It's really more for mood setting than toning it down. (Of course I will wait to get the go ahead before implementing this. I can even implement what I'm talking about on the parallel version, and you can just compare them side by side and see which version you like better.) Jemini (talk) 21:26, 9 March 2020 (CET)
Okay yeah do it in the other one and I'll take a look. Don't get me wrong, I'm have no objection to critique or recommendations, just not abject changes. One of the biggest things I learned in the degree program was the need for, review critique and different points of view. I wish there was a way to rework stuff and make suggestions without altering the original. Telgar (talk) 11:26, 9 March 2020 (PST)
Well, fortunately we have two parallel routes with this one, and conveniently enough I'm also handling one while you're handling the other. So, for THIS particular route, we can actually do things like this. Jemini (talk) 22:06, 9 March 2020 (CET)
Ok, finished the other leg. One line (the "I love you" line) had to be moved because it didn't quite make sense in the position it was in, but not a single line of dialogue was actually deleted from the original. However, a lot of context details were added to smooth it out and add some feeling and depth to the scene. That's what was really missing I think. Jemini (talk) 22:32, 9 March 2020 (CET)
Okay I have to admit I like it. You do a pretty good job of steaming my stuff without killing the intent.🙂 Telgar (talk) 15:54, 9 March 2020 (PST)
On another front, did you catch the hint on why Princess was annoyed with Sky? Telgar (talk) 15:56, 9 March 2020 (PST)
Considering how perceptive the Moon family is to all things sexual, I think it's clear enough what's up there. Jemini (talk) 01:08, 10 March 2020 (CET)
Actually it was a bit of a rivalry situation, at first Jack and Maredith were all about lust with Debbie, but then Sky used some Moon magic and made it more loving desire, which upset Princess. Now it's a bit of both. Telgar (talk) 17:23, 9 March 2020 (PST)