Difference between revisions of "Talk:Vault 69/Orientation"
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The edits to the part where the doctor is talking to the boy MC are awkward and needlessly clunky. You do not need to mention the mother again, and especially not her gun, while she's talking to him. It is irrelevant to the main point of what's going on with the MC and acts as a distracting unrelated thought. I would recommend adding a part where the doctor and mom talk with each other in order to show this part and remove it from the middle of the doctor talking to and about the MC. [[User:Jemini|Jemini]] ([[User talk:Jemini|talk]]) 14:14, 26 August 2019 (UTC) | The edits to the part where the doctor is talking to the boy MC are awkward and needlessly clunky. You do not need to mention the mother again, and especially not her gun, while she's talking to him. It is irrelevant to the main point of what's going on with the MC and acts as a distracting unrelated thought. I would recommend adding a part where the doctor and mom talk with each other in order to show this part and remove it from the middle of the doctor talking to and about the MC. [[User:Jemini|Jemini]] ([[User talk:Jemini|talk]]) 14:14, 26 August 2019 (UTC) | ||
I take your point. I'll try to rework it when I get some more time. I thought it was relating a bit of the doctor's personality, but it isn't really true to Haley's personality . . . so that's a fail. Re-reading it, I can see how it is distracting. I just need to find some time to re-work it. --[[User:Elerneron|Elerneron]] ([[User talk:Elerneron|talk]]) 13:26, 27 August 2019 (UTC) | |||
Revision as of 13:26, 27 August 2019
Love it so far, your a really good writer and I can't wait for more. --IllegalMobster (talk) 20:13, 25 August 2019 (UTC)
The edits to the part where the doctor is talking to the boy MC are awkward and needlessly clunky. You do not need to mention the mother again, and especially not her gun, while she's talking to him. It is irrelevant to the main point of what's going on with the MC and acts as a distracting unrelated thought. I would recommend adding a part where the doctor and mom talk with each other in order to show this part and remove it from the middle of the doctor talking to and about the MC. Jemini (talk) 14:14, 26 August 2019 (UTC)
I take your point. I'll try to rework it when I get some more time. I thought it was relating a bit of the doctor's personality, but it isn't really true to Haley's personality . . . so that's a fail. Re-reading it, I can see how it is distracting. I just need to find some time to re-work it. --Elerneron (talk) 13:26, 27 August 2019 (UTC)