The Magic of Ellie/Part 4
Chapter 1, Part 4
I fell asleep at some point. I know this, because at some point, I awakened to a room illuminated by daylight. My body seemed to be molded into one with Ellie, as I still held her tight as a vise. Panic struck me at the realization, and I tried to lift my arm off of her.
Ellie's arm, which was holding mine against her, tensed like a pincer, keeping me from pulling off of her. The ferocious reaction surprised me, and I sat for a moment in shock.
“Are you awake?” I whispered to her.
“Yep.” She said, voice clear and bright, even as she whispered.
“Brad?” I asked her, trying to work my way gently into explaining that we needed to cut this crap out, fast.
“You know him,” She said, “Still out like a light.”
I relaxed a little, and let some of the stiffness out of me at the lack of any clear and present danger.
“Nobody's seen us,” Ellie continued, reading my mind farther, “So chill out.”
I breathed a deep sigh and squeezed my arm for a moment in a sort of hug around her. Her own hold on my forearm tensed as well, returning the squeeze, as she shimmied back into my chest. A fresh wave of warmth triggered in me at her gesture.
“This is dangerous.” I said.
“I guess.” She agreed reluctantly, but still didn't move or ease her grip.
I knew I had to get up and untangle myself from her, despite how nice it was. If for no other reason, I had to piss. I sat up on my elbow again, grinning to myself at how tenaciously Ellie held my arm.
This could become addicting. She looked so angelic in the soft morning light, her unruly blonde hair cascading over her shoulders like a silken gold mantle. She felt so warm against me, and so delicately small. A powerful bubble of protective desire welled inside of me as I watched her, but it was different from the protectiveness I'd always had for her. This was more intimate, more personal. Possessive.
Out of nowhere, an urge came over me, and I immediately acted on it. I was in no mood to bicker with myself over propriety after what I'd overheard last night. Indeed, I felt a heady sense of freedom this morning, as if the rules were suddenly void. If her parents could be so duplicitous and secretive, why should I deny myself what comfort I could find? Why should Ellie?
Freeing my left hand from beneath me, I moved it to brush Ellie's hair off of her face, revealing her tender temple and cheek, wreathed in golden-blonde strands of bed-head. I leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her temple, before pulling back and making to stand up.
Ellie tried to hide her face, but I could see her radiant smile bloom into glorious life even as she tucked her head down in embarrassment. A rosy flush tinted her cheeks, and I felt a similar heat radiate up into my own skin in tingling currents. She let me pull my arm free of hers, and I sat up.
“I'll be right back.” I said, standing and heading for the bathroom.
Once inside, I relieved myself, brushed my teeth, checked my armpits for funk, and generally made sure I was clean and presentable. Then I propped my hands on the counter and stared at myself in the mirror. I felt like I was being split in half. The one part was full of giddy excitement and warm anticipation of whatever this glorious new thing was. It could be the beginning of something beautiful. The other was mortified and disgusted, promising me that unless I cut this all out right now, it would rise up to haunt me forever, and ensure that I could never look myself in the mirror again. I felt like I was walking through a minefield, and had no choice but to proceed in some direction. But whether that direction led to my salvation or my ruin, I couldn't say. I opened the door to find Ellie standing outside.
“Took you long enough.” She said with a grin, forcing her way past me.
As she walked by, her hand extended, touched my abdomen, and trailed sparks lightly across my side and off again before she shut the door behind her. I heard the faucet turn on, then I headed back to the living room.
Sure enough, Brad was still dead to the world. He had always slept long and deep, unaffected by the goings-on around him, even long after most people would have been awakened by the noise or general activity. We called it 'zombie sleep', because he resembled a living-dead body; immune to almost everything thrown at him with an aim to wake him up. It was usually annoying, but for once, I was thoroughly relieved to see his zombie sleep, and hoped it lasted a while.
Ellie emerged a few minutes later, and came into the living room with a cautious look on her face.
“Let's go outside.” I suggested, standing and making for the door.
She followed without a word, but I could sense the tension in her. She was bracing herself for me to admonish her recent behavior towards me, or at least inform her that she must stop. Indeed, that had been my plan before this morning. I felt differently, now.
For one thing, what kind of hypocrite would it make me to be so lenient with the affection, even giving her that peck on her head, then turn around and try to mount a soapbox of moral authority? So she had a crush on me. That much was obvious at this point. And like an idiot, all I'd done was encourage her, and even conspire to urge discretion. And I could no longer deny my own feelings in the matter, as much as I'd like to. My only hope now was that I might be able to cull this whole thing before it got worse. At least, that's what I should do.
But after whatever insanity I'd heard last night, I was in no mood to go out of my way to be virtuous. I knew I had no dark intentions where Ellie was concerned, and would never hurt her. In fact, all I wanted was to see her smile. So why then should I throw the brakes on this connection between us that gave us both such comfort and happiness? At least, I assumed it did for her as well, else why would she be instigating so much?
With that thought, I had had my goal to proceed upon. Instead of telling Ellie to stop right away, I would explore her motives.
I leaned on the banister, and looked out into the yard, at the verdant lawn sparkling with dew. Maybe there's a metaphor here, I thought. Ellie came to stand beside me, keeping a chaste gap between us as she silently waited for me to begin.
Feeling suddenly foolish and a bit timid, I asked, “How'd you sleep?”
She looked at me like she thought I might be joking, but said, “Great. You?”
“Great.” I said, then sighed as I realized how difficult this would be.
I couldn't just bulldoze into the topic. Even if I was a considerable social screw-up, I knew enough to understand that you don't just put a girl on the spot to tell you how she feels. Especially one at Ellie's age, when they don't even really know, themselves.
Ellie took the problem away from me when she said, “Look, I'll leave you alone if you tell me to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”
As nice as it was to have the ice breaking taken out of my hands, it still hurt to hear her say that. I could tell that wasn't at all what she wanted, and she was only saying it to try and prevent my discomfort. Why did that bother me so much?
“You don't,” I said, “That's the problem. You make me feel the opposite.”
A small smile played at her mouth, and she said quietly, “That's good.”
“Is it, though?” I asked, “I'm pretty sure what we've done is wrong in several ways.”
Ellie scoffed a harsh laugh and said, “And here we go.”
I looked at her for a long moment then shook my head and said, “No, I'm not going to lecture you. I don't want to, and I don't think I need to. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me how you feel. And tell me why I keep seeing these different sides of you that take me by surprise. You're a lot deeper than you let on, aren't you?”
She gave me a shy smile and said, “I guess. It's easier if everybody thinks I'm just in a bratty, emotional phase. The real issue is embarrassing.”
“Now you're the uncomfortable one.” I joked, nudging her gently with my elbow.
“No, not with you,” She said quickly, then paused for a while to gather her thoughts, “When we were younger, I just took it as a given that we'd be together at some point. It was selfish, and childish, but that's how I felt. When you got with Amy, it hurt. That did make me a bratty bitch for a while. It was like you'd betrayed me, and I was jealous. Eventually, I realized how stupid I was being, and that you probably never even thought about me that way. I was just a kind of little sister to you.
“So I started trying to be more mature, and look older. Just to see if you even noticed me. That didn't change anything, and I was pissed for a while. But eventually, I realized that I just wanted you to be happy, even if that wasn't with me. So I stopped trying and just let you be. I was just getting used to patting myself on the back for that when you two broke up. It nearly killed me to see you hurting like that. I couldn't even make myself glad that it happened. I just wanted you to feel better. And when you came over for dinner that day, us hanging out seemed to cheer you up. And I decided to take my chances and start showing you how I felt about you. I didn't want to waste the opportunity. It was probably a selfish and inconsiderate thing to do, taking advantage of you like that. But I can't really make myself regret it.”
I stared at her long after the high chime of her voice fell silent. I was touched by her admission, and terrified. It was a bittersweet feeling that shook me to the core. The pleasure I felt from her words was undeniable, yet the thought that I was the impetus behind her slide into angsty depression broke my heart. The fact that I'd never even detected a bit of her feelings made me feel like a fool. It didn't occur to me to take into account her ability to hide them. I didn't know what to say or do.
“Sorry,” She finally said, looking abashed, “I shouldn't have dumped all that on you. But oh my God, that felt good to get out!”
Ellie laughed and smiled at me, and I felt my heart surge with the rising sun in her eyes. She was the metaphor, I realized. Even with a barely contained bed-head, standing in an old, over-sized shirt she'd slept in, her whole being seemed to sing to mine, like a harmonious, jubilant choir in the warm, vibrant morning light.
She was magnetic to me; nourishment for my very soul. That's what terrified me so much. I realized that I did want her. And her admission just now had gutted my resolve to end this madness. I didn't want to accept that, but deep down I knew it was true. I felt suddenly vulnerable and raw, like a bared nerve. My resistance in tatters, I tried to muster whatever dignity I had left to rally.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” I finally managed, swallowing with a dry throat, “I'm sorry for putting you through it.”
“Why?” She asked, “Didn't you listen to me? I was the idiot who just expected you to feel the same for no good reason. I really was behaving like a dumb kid.”
“Don't be so hard on yourself. You couldn't help how you felt.” I said.
Ellie watched me, expecting a reply and an answer to her confession. Internally, a battle was raging in me for what to tell her. I couldn't very well say, 'oh, I like you too now, but nevermind that, because it's wrong'. Right? No, I needed to make her believe I didn't feel that way about her. That way, she'd be less likely to hold out hope. It might hurt like hell to deny what I felt, but it was the right thing to do. I could get over it in a few days, and this whole mess would be over. Life could get back to normal. Just tell her that I don't feel the same.
That's where I ran into a brick wall with my thoughts. For some reason, I just couldn't make myself say that I didn't feel for her like that. Even to myself. It was like trying to fight a rushing current in my mind. Resisting was not only futile, but impossible. And when I thought about what her parents had been saying last night, a fierce protectiveness for Ellie consumed me, stoking a raging fire of devotion.
I decided on the spot to just be open and honest, “You're right about me not feeling that way for you then. I always saw you as my sister, or a friend, maybe. But I'd be lying if I said that hasn't changed. I still don't know what to do about it, but it's there. You make me feel calm, and whole, and happy. And I want to be around you more and more. It scares me.”
Ellie didn't laugh or smile or celebrate at all. She remained quiet, staring out into the yard for a while.
Finally she asked, “Why does that scare you?”
“Because I believe that it's wrong for me to be attracted to you. I don't know what kind of person that makes me. But more than that, I don't know how we could ever make anything work. Nobody would be okay with us being together.”
“And me?” She asked, still not looking at me, “Do you see me as a child?”
I sighed and shook my head, “No. Not anymore. You're more mature than I am half of the time. Even if you're a pain in the ass the other half.”
That got a little grin out of her, for which I was grateful. She stood in quiet thought a while longer.
“I've got a question for you now,” I said, “What if you change your mind about me? What if you only felt that way because we grew up together and I'm just who you're used to? Don't you think you should try to meet somebody else?”
Ellie chuckled and said, “That's three questions. And to all of it: Not gonna happen. I tried to hate you, or at least not care, for a whole year, while you were with Amy. I told myself every day to forget about you and grow up and move on. Couldn't do it.
“And there are always boys I could talk to, if I wanted. They're all boring and silly. Don't get a swelled head over this, but you're sort of perfect for me.”
I did get a swelled head over that. The way her words made me feel was just too powerful to ignore or deny anymore. She affected me like nothing ever had. I was attracted to her more strongly than I'd ever felt. I wanted to be with her, and talk to her, and laugh with her, make her smile, see her eyes light up. It was a strange metamorphosis of our relationship up to now, made more powerful by our history and growing up together. In a way, things were very much the same between us. Only now, there was a new element in the mix that fundamentally changed it all. And the prospect was thrilling.
“I think I feel the same way.” I admitted, offering her a small smile.
She looked so happy in that moment. And if I'd had any more reservations about my own feelings, the look she gave me shattered them. That didn't detract from the practical issues at hand, but my own resistance was no longer an obstacle.
“But you don't think we can make it work?” She asked.
“How could we?” I replied, “Even if we could fool everybody, that's just dishonest. I hate lying.”
“We'll work on it,” She said, turning to face me finally and resting her hand on mine for a moment, “This is enough for now. Thank you, Jake. We'll cover the dirty stuff later.”
She walked past me and into the house without another word, leaving me reeling on the deck. Yes, I was in serious trouble.
*
Impressively, Ellie never let on about a thing. For the world, she was the same as she always was. To me, she seemed a bit more chipper, and I saw a lovely light in her eyes, but I was hardly unbiased anymore. And by the time everyone settled down to eat breakfast, I was feeling better as well.
Except for when I looked at James and Lori. I tried to not look at them in fact, since every time I did, I felt either a chill or an urge to say something that would demand they spill whatever they were hiding. I came very close to the latter while we all were seated at the breakfast table.
It galled me to watch them act so...normal, after the things they'd said. Not that I understood even half of it, but I could tell it was important and potentially dangerous. They thought something was wrong with Ellie, and she might harm me? Was that it? The injustice of their hiding such a terrible mystery was driving me mad.
Fortunately, James and Lori finished up their meal quickly, and went to get ready for church. They'd slept in longer than intended, and were therefore running behind a bit. Maybe if they hadn't been up in the middle of the night talking crazy...
They never forced Brad or Ellie to go with them to church, but the kids did attend from time to time. Lately, Brad had been unusually enthusiastic about going, since there was a girl whose eye he was trying to catch. Today, Ellie decided not to go, citing feminine issues as the reason. I didn't buy it for a second.
Indeed, once Ellie had an opportunity, she shot me an intense look across the table. Her bright eyes sparkled beneath pointedly raised brows, and the little pink tip of her tongue swept over her top teeth expressively before ending in an enticing smile. My heartbeat stumbled at the sight, and I nervously glanced around to make sure no one else had seen her. I tried to discreetly shake my head at her, but she looked away before I could react. The girl was devious.
“What about you, Jake?” James asked, stealing my attention back.
“I can't go today,” I said over a sip of orange juice, forcing myself to sound calm, “I need to do some things at home before work this afternoon.”
*
The first opportunity I got to talk to Ellie was as I helped her with the dishes.
“What are you trying to do?” I demanded in a harsh whisper.
“Get you alone.” She said simply, as if commenting about the weather.
“While your parents are at church,” I remonstrated, “Who the hell are you?”
“Oh, there's a lot about me you don't know yet,” She teased smoothly, “But I'll show you.”
A jar of butterflies erupted in my gut at her brazen words, and despite my moral misgivings, I already knew what I would end up doing. A boy only has so much willpower.
“Well, I can't just hang around until everybody leaves.” I said, feeling like dirt for conspiring so.
“Leave, then,” Ellie said calmly, “And come back after they're gone. I guess we'll have around an hour and a half, at least.”
I nearly dropped the large glass bowl I was drying when I saw the look she gave me. Her eyes were narrowed and dangerously tempting, and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth before releasing it, slowly dragging along her teeth. My heart rate elevated noticeably, and I became suddenly concerned with breaking into a sweat.
“What's wrong?” She cooed, suddenly putting on an innocent facade, “What are you thinking?”
I swallowed hard, shook my head, and focused on my work. Beside me, the little vixen chuckled merrily. In that moment, I knew I shouldn't come back later. Maybe she was just teasing me, or testing me for some reason, but it was still dangerous. Nevertheless I did come back later, and doomed myself.