Talk:Disciplinary Action/Disciplinary Office/First Week/Cutting Class/Caught/Tihana/Impregnate/Explain/Rape/Trick: Difference between revisions
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I was thinking on this today and I thin you should combine the paragraphs from johns POV, then stop just before he cums in her. Then shift to her POV, combine those Paragraphs and have her watch him cum in her and then pull out. --[[User:Telgar|Telgar]] ([[User talk:Telgar|talk]]) 1735, 18 January 2018 (PST) | I was thinking on this today and I thin you should combine the paragraphs from johns POV, then stop just before he cums in her. Then shift to her POV, combine those Paragraphs and have her watch him cum in her and then pull out. --[[User:Telgar|Telgar]] ([[User talk:Telgar|talk]]) 1735, 18 January 2018 (PST) | ||
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Hmm... I guess that one would work. FYI, most of what's going on here is that I guess I'm a little weary of writing the exact same sex scene between John and Tihana, I need to do something to change it up sometimes. Thus, the dramatic difference in almost everything about how I handled this one as best as it could be justified. [[User:Jemini|Jemini]] ([[User talk:Jemini|talk]]) 07:04, 19 January 2018 (CET) | |||
Revision as of 06:04, 19 January 2018
I had to do a bit of head jumping in this one in order to really get the effect I wanted. This scene is more or less finished, I might or might not write one more paragraph before adding in the options. I just have a hard time finishing scenes in the same writing session I write them. Especially the intense ones, it requires too much of a shift of mental gears in order to shift over to the calm mindset needed to write out the options. Jemini (talk) 15:09, 18 January 2018 (CET)
Yeah I found the head hopping a little confusing. One thing I suggest is something to indicate a separation between the pars that are from Johns POV and Tihana's POV. Also a little less detail in the description of what bathers are, it kinda turns what should be a bit of an erotic moment for the reader into something a little more clinical. --Telgar (talk) 0635, 18 January 2018 (PST)
Yeah, gonna have to think a bit on how to fix the head jumping bit. As for the bathers, I just hacked out the description completely, the name by itself gives enough info and we can probably go into more detail on the subject somewhere else if the opportunity ever arises. Jemini (talk) 16:45, 18 January 2018 (CET)
Having never heard of them before, I have no idea what "bath bathers" are. I'm assuming from context it's clothes she wears in the shower/bath so she doesn't even see herself naked? As far as the viewpoint switching... I didn't find it hard to follow, or distracting. It's a bit of a change from second person to a combination of second and third person, but it works. The only other way I see to do it, is write John's part completely, and Tihana's viewpoint and have them both separate. Or leave hers out completely as you concentrate on John and he pays attention to her expressions trying to figure out what she's thinking. --Notsooldpervert (talk) 20:46, 18 January 2018 (CET)
I was thinking on this today and I thin you should combine the paragraphs from johns POV, then stop just before he cums in her. Then shift to her POV, combine those Paragraphs and have her watch him cum in her and then pull out. --Telgar (talk) 1735, 18 January 2018 (PST)
Hmm... I guess that one would work. FYI, most of what's going on here is that I guess I'm a little weary of writing the exact same sex scene between John and Tihana, I need to do something to change it up sometimes. Thus, the dramatic difference in almost everything about how I handled this one as best as it could be justified. Jemini (talk) 07:04, 19 January 2018 (CET)