Talk:Disciplinary Action/Disciplinary Office/First Week/Cutting Class/Caught/Tihana/Impregnate/Explain/Rape/Trick
I had to do a bit of head jumping in this one in order to really get the effect I wanted. This scene is more or less finished, I might or might not write one more paragraph before adding in the options. I just have a hard time finishing scenes in the same writing session I write them. Especially the intense ones, it requires too much of a shift of mental gears in order to shift over to the calm mindset needed to write out the options. Jemini (talk) 15:09, 18 January 2018 (CET)
Yeah I found the head hopping a little confusing. One thing I suggest is something to indicate a separation between the pars that are from Johns POV and Tihana's POV. Also a little less detail in the description of what bathers are, it kinda turns what should be a bit of an erotic moment for the reader into something a little more clinical. --Telgar (talk) 0635, 18 January 2018 (PST)
Yeah, gonna have to think a bit on how to fix the head jumping bit. As for the bathers, I just hacked out the description completely, the name by itself gives enough info and we can probably go into more detail on the subject somewhere else if the opportunity ever arises. Jemini (talk) 16:45, 18 January 2018 (CET)
Having never heard of them before, I have no idea what "bath bathers" are. I'm assuming from context it's clothes she wears in the shower/bath so she doesn't even see herself naked? As far as the viewpoint switching... I didn't find it hard to follow, or distracting. It's a bit of a change from second person to a combination of second and third person, but it works. The only other way I see to do it, is write John's part completely, and Tihana's viewpoint and have them both separate. Or leave hers out completely as you concentrate on John and he pays attention to her expressions trying to figure out what she's thinking. --Notsooldpervert (talk) 20:46, 18 January 2018 (CET)
I was thinking on this today and I thin you should combine the paragraphs from johns POV, then stop just before he cums in her. Then shift to her POV, combine those Paragraphs and have her watch him cum in her and then pull out. --Telgar (talk) 1735, 18 January 2018 (PST)
Hmm... I guess that one would work. FYI, most of what's going on here is that I guess I'm a little weary of writing the exact same sex scene between John and Tihana, I need to do something to change it up sometimes. Thus, the dramatic difference in almost everything about how I handled this one as best as it could be justified. Jemini (talk) 07:04, 19 January 2018 (CET)
Part of that could be managed by moving on from the initial rape. So far we've only seen drunk, and next dat resentful. After spending a day naked and dripping cum around all of her peers, perhaps she'll move on to resigned acceptance as she allows herself to be bred. Maybe she starts to enjoy it and look at it as a way to get back at her parents for letting it happen. --Notsooldpervert (talk) 16:21, 19 January 2018 (CET)
Ok, made the re-arrangement. Yeah, not only does it work, but the whole thing where it manages to fit in a call-back to when John tells her he is about to move inside of her helps establish that a change of perspective has happened. Now I just have to think about how to present the ending. With how well the transition into Tihana's perspective works now I don't really want to just rip it back to John's perspective now, but at the same time it would be hard to wrap it up still fully in Tihana's perspective. I'm thinking maybe something that's a little ambiguous as to who's perspective it is really in might be best beings it is, after all, just for one more paragraph in order to wrap it up. Jemini (talk) 20:36, 19 January 2018 (CET)
Easy, peasy. Just look down at your red-ringed cock yourself, and tell her she was a virgin as you clean it up (emphasis on was) and see how long it takes her to register the past tense lol The choices could include one where she figures it out, and one where she's still clueless as you tell her that her punishment is for you to put a baby in her.
There are several problems with that, one of the more significant ones being that the majority of the choices are bent toward pertaining to the PC's actions, with those few that deviate from that rule being those that do not do too much to ruin the illusion of all the differing outcomes being due to the PC choices. Choices pertaining to whether or not Tihana figures it out and Tihana's reactions would be a flagrant violation of that technique. Jemini (talk) 23:42, 19 January 2018 (CET)
So you have a subcategory of his choices depending on how she reacts to the fact that she used to be a virgin. She notices the past tense and gets angry: respond calmly, or respond harshly. She doesn't notice: Proceed to clean her up and tell her the rest of her punishment, or stroke it hard again, and fuck her as you tell her the punishment (first time was checking for virginity lol) --Notsooldpervert (talk) 00:46, 20 January 2018 (CET)
Yeah, I don't see that working out. I already know what kind of options I'm going to give, they were be pertaining to 1, whether or not you tell her what's up, and 2, whether or not you do more with her. Her reactions will be determined the same way as always. Jemini (talk) 02:24, 20 January 2018 (CET)