Talk:Disciplinary Action/Disciplinary Office/First Week/Perl/PJs
I'd probaly take her bra too. Ask her if she wears it to bed, and when she says "no" inform her "then they're not part of the pajamas" --Notsooldpervert (talk) 10:18, 15 October 2017 (CEST)
You have some peculiarities of the English language working against you here. It's ok, I'm sure you didn't know. Anyway, the problem is your use of the term "pajama." Pajama, the singular of pajamas, is a term that is almost never used in the English language. Mostly, the term "pajamas" is treated the same way as the term "pants," the only difference being that pajamas are described as a "set" or a "set of pajamas," whereas pants are described as a "pair." (a pair of pants.)
You would absolutely never use the term "a pajama." There is about one place I have ever heard of the singular form of pajamas being used, and that is in describing someone who is wearing pajamas as being "pajama-wearing." (Or some variations such as a body part of the "pajama-wearing" person being described as "pajama-covered" such as pearl's pajama-covered breasts that Notsooldpervert is interested in seeing.) Jemini (talk) 11:26, 15 October 2017 (CEST)
I have to make a lot of changes to this part, you are right that it has several issues both in editing and content. Unfortunately right now I'm playing babysitter for some people in the lab, so I won't have much free time this week. --Tod Naturlich (talk) 17:13, 16 October 2017 (CEST)
Well then, would you mind if I gave it an edit? I would not change the content much unless you throw out that you approve of the idea Notsooldpervert is asking for. Unless you give the go-ahead for content changes as well, I would restrain the edit to grammatical errors. In fact, it kinda seems to be a standard that editing grammatical errors is fine, so I might just go ahead and do that. It is more that I may give it a second edit for content if you clear it. Pearl is a character I hadn't quite completely figured out, but after this post, I have a much more clear idea of it in my head now, so I'm pretty sure I can keep the characterization the same as you did here. Jemini (talk) 03:14, 17 October 2017 (CEST)
Go right ahead, I really don't like how I wrote this, so feel free to change it. I was planning to incorporate Notsooldpervert's request as an extra scene, dividing this part and giving the reader the option to demand she removed she bra, panties or both. I also thought to include options to add to her punishment a pacifier or a baby bottle, since I'm trying to get more options out there. --Tod Naturlich (talk) 03:57, 17 October 2017 (CEST)
Ok, I'm done with the editing. I also worked in a lead for a same-day follow up if you let her keep the current outfit where it is indeed too small and she winds up peeing on the removable flop of the pajamas while trying to use the bathroom and winds up being sent in for a change. With the wording of the punishment note, she may even decide to take that to heart and try to hide the fact that she peed herself for a while until it gets discovered. Jemini (talk) 05:33, 17 October 2017 (CEST)
The punishment as written doesn't give her permission to wear undies. Of course it doesn't forbid it lol. You could start with the remove her bra. I've never known a woman to wear one to bed. Sometimes they don't wear panties either. Pearl's bio indicates she's at least been having naughty thoughts lately, so i wouldn't be surprised to discover that to be the case with her. Make her take off the one, since it's reasonable that she goes without it at home, and ask about the panties so her reaction can give it away (how did you know that?). That way you have an excuse to take them too. --Notsooldpervert (talk) 06:16, 17 October 2017 (CEST)
Thanks for the great editing. I really like this part much more now that you fixed it. I'm also amazed how good you are at writing the disciplinary notes. I think I spent quite a while wondering how to write that, and end up putting things quite dry. I really like how you filled that. --Tod Naturlich (talk) 09:12, 18 October 2017 (CEST)
I think part of it may come from the fact that I actually do have to write up incident reports for my job. Pretty much, what you are doing is using clear and impersonal language to give as much detail as you can in as few words as you can manage it without any platitudes. The incident reports I write up for work have to do with something that already happened though, so all that helps me with is the first box out of the three. From there, I take a bit more liberty in putting down instructions for the future and contingencies one might be able to think of, of course keeping it in the same sort of language I learned and applied to the 1st box. Jemini (talk) 09:37, 18 October 2017 (CEST)
EDIT: Just noticed a bit of an issue after reading the edits you made. When I write my passages, I tend to use the present tense. You tend to use the past tense more, which is what you edited all the time-related conjugations to. That could make things a little odd. At the very least, someone with a keen eye could tell which of the two of us wrote any given passage by that one little quirk. Jemini (talk) 09:42, 18 October 2017 (CEST)
I have to practice the reports in order to get to an acceptable level, but I'll probably ask for your help in the near future when I have to write one, so they won't be out of place with the rest.
As far as the verb tenses in the story, I've tried to write all my entries in simple past (although I sometimes slip and go into weird tenses), except for the options for the reader, which I left in present tense. If anyone really cares, they can know who wrote what just by seeing the history of the page. I changed the tenses in this part since most of what was already written was on past tense and it did feel a bit weird to have some sections in present tense, but that shouldn't be that noticeable between different sections of the story. --Tod Naturlich (talk) 09:58, 18 October 2017 (CEST)